System Shutdown

Code written for a computer not processed and activated.

A memory chip that wasn't inserted the right way. 

A blue screen freezing all functions, rendering them useless.

Time stands still as the clock on the wall ticks.

Adding fuel to the flame, not blowing out candles,

Fan is blowing steady, yet the firewall climbs.

Motherboard detatched while the key is stuck on the spacebar

Filling space with nothing.

Holding ctrl alt delete but keyboard unplugged.

Nudging the mouse but disconnected.

Right To Remain Silent

I'm not mad,

But I no longer want to talk.

We started out great friends.

As we grew closer, our bond grew stronger.

We bonded over our traumas,

Over our trans identities.

We bonded over German

And both of our achievements.

As time passed, you concealed a growing hurt.

Understanding your position, I sought reconciliation.

I had no idea the mountain I was willing to die on

Would be the beginning of a mountain I had to climb.

Our balance scale shifted towards you.

I saw you hurting, so I gave more time and energy, too.

Little did I know how much I'd be drained.

Little did I know we'd become estranged.

Your crises came up, and I was there.

My crises came up, and I saw no care.

Still, one more arose, and it was beyond my scope.

I called for help to prevent lost hope.

Little did I know the wellness check checked the box

That finally made your facade snap.

I only realized after that fracture

That bond was a trauma bond.

As calls grew in number,

I became detached by the hour.

As calls grew in number,

I learned to take back power.

I never realized I was feeding the cycle,

That my kindness and understanding were your feast.

Today, I use my right to remain silent.

As I wave goodbye,

I wish you the best for your healing and life.

The Filter

I called the tools to help you,

But they handed you the hammer

And you tried to break me.

Dissonance has me going

Black white

Left right

Yes no

Should I stay

Or do I go?

Sacrificed sleep

Thinking I was saving your life.

Every call, text, and cry made me blind

To the abuse and being used.

Seems I'm familiar with your doppelganger

And the real you is a stranger -

A stranger who put me in danger.

We sang the same song,

But you were always a bit off-key.

My harmony fell flat

When you stole the melody.

You wrote a book but left out the footnote

That you were the writer using me as the pen.

When you left to write fanfic

Was when I learned I wasn't your first pick.

You sold beaded bracelets.

Little did I know

You were stringing me along.

Pouring from a crystal cup into a filthy sponge,

Your water came back to use me as a filter again.

Neglected and Failed

You knew better. 

You. Knew. Better.

I was a classic example of your research expertise,

But when I asked for help,

I was faced with neglect.

With "I don't know"s.

With "No more extra time."

With "You wouldn't be a good example."

You could have helped.

You chose not to.

See, I was blind to this.

Behind a fractured skull, I had fractured thoughts.

I couldn't see through your smile and department praise.

I couldn't see that it was you who left me to

Claw.

Collapse.

Drown.

You failed me.

You. Failed. Me.

By giving me a C, you failed me.

This grade was not a reflection of my effort

Of my determination

Of my desperation

Of my fight.

It was a reflection of your neglect.

Of your neglect to help an injured student.

To apply your expertise to a student staring you in the face

To show a sliver of understanding to a student who tried to keep pace.

You looked a student in the eye,

A student who was trying,

And you said

"No. Not good enough."

I exceeded expectations,

But you expected me to be like everyone else.

You didn't trust a student you taught

To have learned from your teachings

To teach other students.

That's a reflection of your teaching,

Not of your student.

I exceeded expectations.

But you saw a letter

As a representation of a no-good resource to your next students.

You gave me a C,

Then failed to believe in me.

You failed me.

You failed your students.

You failed yourself.

Battles Honored

Cords hang from my neck,

Displaying the battles won.

Weighed down, yet rose up.

When a Professor Meets You Where You Are

Fatigue beyond the norm.

150% input

80% output

None will ever understand these stats

Unless they've lived the math. 

Boulders had piled high,

Until a professor with eyes and a heart crossed my path.

Understanding he couldn’t understand,

Still, he listened.

He broke boulders into gravel.

In my fatigue,

He made this weight more bearable.

For once in over a year,

Now I could breathe.

I could perform.

I can be proud even with my imperfections.

Galaxies Revealed

Stumbled, fell, and broke your skull,

World shredded into smithereens.

Independence snatched,

Physiology forced to adapt,

Continuing classes, trying to reattach.

Services weaponized their power.

Trying to raid mine, they attacked from behind.

Taking the knife from my back,

I refused to fall victim to an attack.

I bled, swore, cried, screamed,

But I was blinded to anyone able to help me.

I hid in shadows,

Wounded warrior in a never-ending battle,

Still fighting for the relief Services kept from reach.

Glows shone from peers passing.

Oblivious to my gasping from a twisted blade

They claimed the light I was clawing to achieve.

Knife still in hand,

I traded it for a pen.

Written words changed worlds--

Passion churned to action.

Galaxies overshadowed by glowing awards

Lit up each backroad—each ally.

Ones stabbed were found.

Trading blades for lenses,

They could finally see their stars.

Different Paths of Hell

I fight through hell every day,

A constant war inside my brain.

Scream where no one can hear

As I watch others walk through hell,

Others watch hell from the outside looking in,

Others stroll on a sunny day with daisies surrounding--

Hell, an afterthought in the imagination.

This war in hell inside my head,

Crippling in a way they will never understand.

Invisible wars receive invisible rewards.

[Chains force me to the flaming floor] 

Invisible understandings.

[Smoke burns my eyes with shrapnel]

Invisible accessibility.

[More boulders pile on my shoulders]

Invisible comprehensions.

[Onlookers see but will never feel.]

Class of 2025

Two, three, four years or more,

Here we are at a brand-new door.

Professors invested in us,

Staff supported us in our growth.

The campus, as a team, readied us to go forth.

Vines interwoven--

Some friends we'll keep close,

With others, we must depart.

But always, they will stay in our hearts.

The fears are real, and so are our dreams.

Through different mediums and different speeds,

We travel our paths of passion,

Beyond what the eye can see.

Graduation: The Light and the Dark

Graduation.

A hello to tomorrow

A goodbye to yesterday.

The future is bright,

No more safety net.

Closing a chapter, beginning another

All with a crowd of cheers.

Graduation. 

Resisting tomorrow

Begging today to stay.

The future is dark,

No more safety net,

Closing a chapter

All with a crowd of cheers.

Visible Invisible

 All the disorders you may never see,

But you can see the result of the battle.

The late to class,

So much time, but not enough done,

Sleeping in the school academic building, trying to force myself to finish.

The "Why do I keep trying? My brain is fighting. I feel like I'm dying, sleep-deprived."

But I try so hard, I stay up until I sleep through the sun.

All the doubts you may never see,

But you see the result of the battle. 

The "It's not good enough."

The "It's all too much."

The "I'll never get it done."

The "Crap, it's late."

But I try so hard, I stay up until I sleep through the sun.

All the patterns you may never see,

But you see the result of the battle.

The 2s, 5s, and 10s swirling in my brain without an end.

The 2 steps in each square as I walk down The Spine,

Late to class once again

Because I try so hard, I stay up until I sleep through the sun.

All the sensitivities you may never see

But you see the result of the battle.

Lights buzz, but no one else hears it.

Leaving tired because of the masking and overstimulation,

But for you, it was just another group conversation.

Sights, sounds, sensations bombard me all at once,

I'm so tired I go to bed, but still, I sleep through the sun.

All the feelings you may never see,

But you see the result of the battle.

Too depressed to move even when I want to care,

Or so hypomanic, sleep is rare, words race never-ending the sentence is never-ending my thoughts are never-ending I tried so hard never-ending I can't sleep through the sun.

All my excess you may never see,

But you see the result of the battle.

Still the tapping hands,

Quiet the audible excess noise I make,

Control my jerking head,

Control the uncontrollable.

And I try so hard, I sleep through the sun. 

The cycle you may never see,

But you see the result of the battle.

My hands have a mind of their own,

Pulling until only clothing conceals the hair once there

Gone.

The time spent doing what I dread.

I can't stop - it never ends.

And I try so hard, I hide from the sun.

All my excess you may never see,

But you see the result of the battle.

Still the tapping hands,

Quiet the sounds I make,

Control my jerking head,

Control the uncontrollable.

And I tried so hard, I slept through the sun. 

The counting you may never see

But you see the result of the battle.

You see the shakiness,

But you never saw the years when it was from too few calories -

When any food presented brought tears to my eyes.

When asked if I ate, I only told lies.

All the history you may never see,

But you can see the result of the battle.

The memories that tear me apart until I'm in smithereens,

But they're pieces you will never be able to see.

I can't function like a normal human being.

But I try so hard, I stay up until I sleep through the sun.

You never saw the summer after my TBI,

Independence stripped away.

Each bump in the road, a hammer to my head,

I wobbled my way to class as people whizzed by.

And I try so hard, but I stumble under the sun.

All the things you may never see.

All the damage I had done to myself.

All the battles I've won in years' past.

All the battles I fight in these present years. 

All the stories standing here in front of you.

But what you do see is the result of the visible invisible damage.

And what you do see is the result of the strength built to get here.

A Journey of Warfare

Our trains share the same hardware,

But software is where we part.

My train goes a million miles a minute

Down a straight track, cross-country.

Yours has train stations between to refuel.

Delayed for days, my train's inertia is inevitable 

You can choose when to make yours move.

New York and California, I arrive at the destination.

Time to break down.

You've arrived at your destination.

Time to unwind.

Burnt but bandaged, my train resists to budge,

But too soon and too late, it resumes cross country.

Your crew stops at stations to refuel.

My train keeps breaking.

Your train has a break.

Caught in crossfire, cries, loved ones die,

I'm through bombshell hell.

Conductor tied to the trenches,

While you can kick back on benches. 

World Semicolon Day

Between two nights,

I've found daylight.

Between two falls,

I've found my wings.

Between two stumbles,

I've found my strength.

Between two crushing waves,

I've found a breath of hope.

Between two nightmares,

I've found my dream.

Between two wars,

I've found peace.

Between two fires,

I've found my soul.

Between two clauses,

Is a semicolon.

Between two decisions,

I've chosen life.

World War III

 My mind stones me,

Leaving hidden injuries

You will never truly see.

You say I'm resilient,

But it adds insult to my injuries.

I never wanted to be.

Achievements result in no pride,

Only a brief relief.

That is, until the blistering fire reignites,

A blinding blaze you will never see. 

I'm told to work with my mind, 

Not against it. 

But what you don't see

Is the war continuing within me,

No sight of a peace treaty.

Work with a mind that fights back, 

Constantly leaving me under attack.

I'm told to focus on what I can control, 

But you don't see the boulders I shoulder,

Weights you will never truly know.

I'm paralyzed by my mind,

Buried alive.

No control, lost in this whirlwind,

I'm barely surviving.

Your hill is my mountain.

Your flurry is my blizzard. 

Your blurry is my blind

Your warm-up is my marathon.

Your bad dream is my night terror.

Your drowsy is my jaded.

This is my reality,

Real and questioned,

Violent and invisible,

Screaming and silent.

The brutality I constantly encounter

Hides within the shield of my skull.

It's an infinite war you will never fight--

A reality you will never fully grasp. 

The horror from your peak

Is nothing to my daily World War Three.

Stained Glass

I have my fair share of cracks and scars.

I’ve been drowned, suffocated, frozen beneath a lake.

I’ve been through fire and storms,

Shattered and torn.

Yet even with all the branding,

I’m still standing.

 

With careful ears,

I tune in to the surrounding stories,

The whispered testimonies of hidden strength.

Not fixing or playing pretend,

I present a gentle hand,

Assuring hope followed

Everywhere they went.

 

Together, we fuse our shattered pieces,

The stains and the scars,

Molding stained glass, leaving long legacies,

As we live together ‘till our natural end.

Listen 3rd ed

Distraction like a dog

Hunting down a squirrel

Darting up a tree--

Chaotic barking all along the way.

Finish line blocked by a wall--

Arm's length away.

Mood like the swings when we were kids,

But dragging along the wood chips beneath our toes

Instead of soaring above.

Like a tree towering over a crushed flower,

But merely a memory

Of what trauma occurred before.

Box shriveled,

Wall blocking opportunity,

Throat closed,

I'm an artichoke,

Choking on what I need to say,

But can't.

Repetition like a

Broken record,

Broken record,

Broken record,

No record of an end.

Whirlwind around me,

So I hold onto the calories.

A tug-of-war between healthy and skinny,

Chaos and control.

Electricity screams,

Glow burns,

Small talk small,

Crowded conversation

A mess of a mirage.

If only they were to

Slow

Down,

Consider my different way of speaking,

And read what I can't verbalize.

My voice is found in the places it takes care to look

And consideration to hear.

Injury Invisible

I fell to ground zero, bombshell.

Shut down, nonfunctional.

Speech lost, unspeakable.

Memory wiped, unthinkable.

Words gone, unretainable.

Stamina faded, unsustainable.

Grades dropped, ungradeable.

Lapses relapse, incomprehensible.

Life Rewritten

I wrote the note once.

I wrote my will.

But now I have a will to live.

J

She wanted to starve

She wanted a blade

She wanted a bridge

She wanted a knife

She wanted a gun

I needed her to be safe.

I begged her to stay.

Tried to convince her I cared.

Tried to help her believe I was there.

Tried to convince her people would know if she was gone.

Tried to help her believe her existence wasn't wrong.

That day.

Was begging her to step away from the ledge of her roof.

She sent photos of it as proof.

Six hours, I tried to stand by.

She said goodbye.

Those scars will never leave my mind.

October 10, 2017

I was 15 in the US,

She was 14 in Australia.

A

Girlfriend of an army man,

Boyfriend deployed,

She was left alone with thoughts and drinks.

She wanted to give in.

I encouraged her to hold on.

I encouraged her to stay back.

She took a nap.

She put a blade to her skin.

Surface slits.

I told her

"Your best will look different every day and that's ok."

She replied

"I've never thought about it that way."

Three years later,

Wife of an army man.

Two twins on the way.

2016

I was 14 in the US.

She is in Texas.

Fine Line

Walking the fine line,

I tried to help you up,

But you sent me over.

Walking the fine line,

I bumped into you.

I didn't mean to.

You waivered.

You waved fairwell.

Tied Up and Tired

Cracked skull and broken brain.

My head was screaming so loud, but you couldn't hear it.

You can't hear it.

The damage restrains me no matter how much I try to be freed.

I can loosen the ropes, but it takes so much to try.

And that's before I try what I'm assigned.

I'm slowly freeing myself,

But learning how to do it takes so long.

So much energy.

I keep trying even when I'm sleeped deprived,

Making me weaker.

Still tied up, I'm trying to do my to-do,

Determined to get it done,

No matter what rope burns I get.

I'm trying.

Numb and Limp

Limbs limp

I'm an ice cube with no feeling

No temperature

Numb and limp

Pushed off a cliff

Try to remind myself that I'm alive

Numb and limp

Climb back up but I keep slipping,

Forgetting I can recognize where I am

The Future I Want To Know

I know it'll be gone soon

And I hope you see that too.

Thoughts are just thoughts,

Flowing down a river.

There is fear.

There is pain.

But nothing good

Comes from being gone.

I had lost all hope once.

Then, I had only hope.

Now it slips, but my eyes are still fixed

On the future I want to know.

On my future I want to know.

Thank You and Farewell

There when I needed you even though I didn't know you.

Prayed for healing when my brain was bleeding

Spoke with me when I struggled to find words

Patient when I was I was impatient with myself 

A rock to lean on while my world was crumbled

Helped me see hope when hope seemed lost

I'm getting back to baseline, and I'm starting to fly again

I'm starting a new chapter of my life.

May God be with you for yours.