All the disorders you may never see,
But you can see the result of the battle.
The late to class,
So much time, but not enough done,
Sleeping in the school academic building, trying to force myself to finish.
The "Why do I keep trying? My brain is fighting. I feel like I'm dying, sleep-deprived."
But I try so hard, I stay up until I sleep through the sun.
All the doubts you may never see,
But you see the result of the battle.
The "It's not good enough."
The "It's all too much."
The "I'll never get it done."
The "Crap, it's late."
But I try so hard, I stay up until I sleep through the sun.
All the patterns you may never see,
But you see the result of the battle.
The 2s, 5s, and 10s swirling in my brain without an end.
The 2 steps in each square as I walk down The Spine,
Late to class once again
Because I try so hard, I stay up until I sleep through the sun.
All the sensitivities you may never see
But you see the result of the battle.
Lights buzz, but no one else hears it.
Leaving tired because of the masking and overstimulation,
But for you, it was just another group conversation.
Sights, sounds, sensations bombard me all at once,
I'm so tired I go to bed, but still, I sleep through the sun.
All the feelings you may never see,
But you see the result of the battle.
Too depressed to move even when I want to care,
Or so hypomanic, sleep is rare, words race never-ending the sentence is never-ending my thoughts are never-ending I tried so hard never-ending I can't sleep through the sun.
All my excess you may never see,
But you see the result of the battle.
Still the tapping hands,
Quiet the audible excess noise I make,
Control my jerking head,
Control the uncontrollable.
And I try so hard, I sleep through the sun.
The cycle you may never see,
But you see the result of the battle.
My hands have a mind of their own,
Pulling until only clothing conceals the hair once there
Gone.
The time spent doing what I dread.
I can't stop - it never ends.
And I try so hard, I hide from the sun.
All my excess you may never see,
But you see the result of the battle.
Still the tapping hands,
Quiet the sounds I make,
Control my jerking head,
Control the uncontrollable.
And I tried so hard, I slept through the sun.
The counting you may never see
But you see the result of the battle.
You see the shakiness,
But you never saw the years when it was from too few calories -
When any food presented brought tears to my eyes.
When asked if I ate, I only told lies.
All the history you may never see,
But you can see the result of the battle.
The memories that tear me apart until I'm in smithereens,
But they're pieces you will never be able to see.
I can't function like a normal human being.
But I try so hard, I stay up until I sleep through the sun.
You never saw the summer after my TBI,
Independence stripped away.
Each bump in the road, a hammer to my head,
I wobbled my way to class as people whizzed by.
And I try so hard, but I stumble under the sun.
All the things you may never see.
All the damage I had done to myself.
All the battles I've won in years' past.
All the battles I fight in these present years.
All the stories standing here in front of you.
But what you do see is the result of the visible invisible damage.
And what you do see is the result of the strength built to get here.
