My Promise

I promised myself
I'll eat SOMETHING
For lunch,
Even if it's small.

I need to keep moving.
Keep recovering.
Keep fighting.

Lose my
Longing of control.
I don't have it.
I don't need it.
God has it.
So I know
I'll be okay.

Why I Write

Anxiety multiplies
Beyond my control.
Then it overflows.
The current is too strong
For me to hold my ground.
So I write.
And I'm anchored.

A place where
I should feel safe
And can eat my lunch
In peace.
But then I hear something
That shouldn't be said.

So I run
To pull myself together.
Before the tears stream,
I write
And the tears retreat.

The end of another day.
Crickets cry
And birds fly.
And the sky--
It glows.

No one slows down.
No one stops
To smell the roses.
So I write
And it's captured forever.

Human Water

There's something about rain.

The chaos

And peace.

The resurrection

And destruction.

It's relatable.

it's human.

It's disturbing

And unsettling,

But comforting

And calming.

Crack a Joke, or Crack Me Open?

You make a joke
Miles away from funny.
And you manage to do it
Every day.
It blows me away
And not in a good way.

It pushes me away
Until I run away
To pull myself together.
To fight the tears
Invited because
Of what you said
And I can't handle it.

"How to lose weight
In two seconds.
Take two fingers
Then stick them
Down your throat."

It's not a joke.
How can you
See it as one?
Then I run
To where I can work
And feel safe.

The Dangers of a Blind Eye

Turning a blind eye
To people struggling,
The stigma,
The jokes about
A serious disorder,
Doesn't help
The disorder with the
Highest mortality rate
Of any mental disorder.

They might believe
They aren't "sick enough",
Don't look "sick enough",
Their problem is
"Nothing to worry about."

But they sometimes forget
Counting calories constantly
Isn't normal.
Excercise to exaustion
And then some
Isn't normal.
Praying another pound
Won't be gained
Isn't normal.
Losing control
Isn't normal.

But they don't look
As bad as
The people
In the media,
So their problem
Isn't that bad.
Right?

Favorite foods
Are now the
Forbidden fruit,
Calories the enemy.
Truth are lies and
Lies are truth
Trapped in the mind
Seemingly impossible
To leave behind.

The Myth of the Wishing Well

I fell into a
Wishing well.
Everyone
Wishes me well,
But it gets hard to buy
What they're trying to sell
After a while.

I fell into a
Wishing well.
I can't
Wish myself out.

I fell into a
Wishing well
I can only wait it out--
Wait 'till morning
When I awake
From the nightmare
That is my mind
At night.

I fell into a
Wishing well.
Some days
I'm able to
Be a normal human--
Even feel like one--
Until I lose sight
At night
And then

I fall into the
Wishing well.

Common Sense

She downplays
My struggle.
Says it's "nothing"
But to me
It's something.

She doesn't understand
The pressure
I'm under
The pressure
I pile onto myself

It started as a pebble,
But a month in,
I feel a mountain range
On my chest.

It may not be APUSH,
But the reading
Pushing me to my limits.
It's common sense.

Moving Process

Big change
Brings out the
Best
And the worst
In everyone.

Boxes constantly dragged
And taped,
Talking to one person
But not another
And everyone in the end
Ends up upset.

And I'm tired.
I want to go to bed,
But my room doesn't
Have it yet
And they tell me not to fret,
But all I want is my bed.

And sleep.
And to study for my l
German test.
And Physics test.
And Independent Living
Test.

I'm tired.
But if I rest,
I just know I'll get yelled at.
They just did that.

To top it off,
My friend is depressed
And it's not my responsibility,
But it makes me stressed
Because I was in her
Place once.
But I'm so far away.

Abandoned Friend

I abandoned a friend
Because I was too busy.

Too busy to go on adventures.
Too busy to travel to
Another continent
Without moving an inch.
Too busy to hear stories
Of character's dreams
Coming true.

Can't imagine a better way
To experience years,
Someone else's life,
A wearying journey,
Pages of perseverance,
In merely a few hours.

Packing

Eyes dance around
My empty bedroom walls.
They're blank
Except a pair of
Rainbow curtains
And a few pale bookshelves.
My floor is
Blanketed in boxes,
But my closet has yet
To be cleaned out.

Finally Moving

He answered
My repeated prayer.
"God, please,
Give us this house."

Everything's flipped.
The layout
Of the house.
Turn left as usual,
And you'll run into a wall.

Caring landlord.
One who won't let
A raccoon and squirrels
Make a home in your walls.

Everything is different,
But it'll be the same
In all the best ways.
I pray.

I prayed.
Then God's light came out
From behind the clouds
And it no longer rains,
But my tears of joy pour.

Shut Up

"Shut up."
A contradictory message.
Home I'm told to shut up.
School I'm told to speak up.
Church I was told to speak up,
But now I'm told to shut up.

I never seem to know
When the time is right
To speak
Or be quiet.
When the teacher is talking,
My lips are sealed.
When other people are speaking,
What do I do?

Interrupt,
I'm rude.
Don't interrupt,
And I'm not heard.

Challenge Yourself

"Challenge yourself.
Colleges like to see AP classes."
What if "challenging"
Is a normal level class?

"Challenge yourself."
I already face challenges,
And not always ones
I want to have.

"Challenge yourself."
I learned about empolyment
And what happens
If you're let go
And no job is available.

"Challenge yourself."
At 12 years old
When the government
Took my home.

"Challenge yourself."
Learn how to negotiate,
So you don't have to pay
5 months of rent up front
To potential new landlords.

"Challenge yourself."
Fight anxiety,
ADHD,
And bipolar everyday
Just to get through the day.

"Challenge yourself."
I don't need to take some
AP classes to challenge myself.
Aren't I challenged enough?

Not a Typical English Class

"That question is above
My pay grade."
What's real?
What's more real?
What's the ideal?

Is it a shadow?
Or extensive knowledge
Of the unknown?

Plato's philosophy
Similar to
Christian's theology.

An ideal desk
Is more real than a
3D desk
Is more real than a
2D desk.

Senses unreliable,
Mathematics undeniable.

I'm Surrounded by You

He surrounds
What surrounds me.
Fear.
Stress.
Anxiety.
Struggle.
Depression.

He surrounds me
With arms wide open,
Hand outstretched,
Waiting for me to
Cling onto His
Love,
Grace
Mercy,
Comfort,
Encouragement.

He offers His ability
To create
Unity,
Peace,
Family,
A safe space.

God's Not Dead

He strengthens
In the struggle.
He provides the light
At the end of the tunnel.
He wipes the tears
From fearful eyes,
He provides truth
Amid the lies.
He is higher
Than the skies.
He is deeper
Than the seas.
He is greater
Than mankind.
He has a plan
For what's inside.

This Changes Everything

His life
He heals
He travels
He leads
Good Father

His death
He forgives
He saves
He redeems
Good Father

His resurrection
He frees
He walks
He guides
Good Father

Revealed

Tearstained eyes
Reveal I cried,
But not my cries
Of what I need
What I lost
What I wish I had.

Support,
Sanity,
Confidence.
These are just three.

I'm called to leave
My needs
With the one
Who saved us all.

Because He is greater
Than grief.
Greater
Than life
Greater
Than death.
Greater
Than my greatest
Fears.

A Breath in Text

Typing expresses
What I can't give
In breaths.
What I want to say
But I'm too anxious
Or tired
Mentally or physically
It doesn't matter.
But my text.
It can be louder
Than my voice.
It used to be
Most of the time.
Maybe now it's
Back again.
Maybe it's not
A bad thing.
But the more I type,
I can grow silent.
But I allow my text
To be my breath.

Breath

Zero to
Sixty to
Fifty to
Two hundred.

My body doesn't care
How much I want it.
My lack of
Leftover strength
Wins.

I can push,
But I'll get nowhere.
Instead I'll fall backwards;
No hope of getting
Back on my feet.

My energy was
Already drained.
No point in adding
More strain
To gain
More strength
When that strength
Won't do a thing.

Just some moments
Of quiet
And rest.
It's all I need.

A break from screaming,
Whistles,
And energy
I can't match.

Then instantly,
The old air
I couldn't let go of
Finally can escape.

Then instantly,
My lungs allow
New air
To fill me.

Breath
By
Breath
I can finally breathe.

Breath
By
Breath.
I finally gain energy.

1 Corinthians

Balancing faith
And a part of identity.
"Child of God".
The only identity
That matters.

Too many
Have strayed away
When they face
The struggle
That I face now.

But both parts of me
Are too important
To just give up
And walk away
From the faith I've
Always known.

To walk away
From the God
Who was there for me
When no one else was.
Who is there for me,
Just a prayer away.

The one who protects,
No regrets.
The one who
Died for all sins.
No hints
Of disappearance.

Gave a promise
To stay
When He could've easily
Walked away.

This eternal, reckless love
Guides in my confusion,
Comforts in my struggle,
Strengthens in my weakness,
Rejoices in my success,
No regrets.

No way
I'm giving up this
Because of a temporary
Confliction.
Why walk away
When He chose to stay?

Box of Bricks

Little girl
Pushes a box
Up a hill.
But then he comes.
He adds onto it
Constantly.
Everyday,
A few bricks
Are added.

But then he rests,
Too tired to
Add more.
A break.
But like many breaks,
They come to an end.

He is strong again.
They didn't see it.
They couldn't see it coming.
He towers over
Once more.

He piles a truckload more
Onto the box
They nearly finished
Delicately
Picking one brick up
And placing
To
The
Side.
Getting comfortable again.

But too soon.
And too soon
They tumble down the hill.
So hard to get a grip.

Phone a friend
Or a few.
Because they need
Multiple friends
To help them start to
Consider.
Consider climbing
The hill again.

Change

8th grade.
Endless year.
Compiled of
Hurt,
Heart,
Hospital,
Hatred.

Sophomore year.
Endless year.
Disorder.
Diagnosis.
Flashbacks.
Recovery.
Struggle.
Therapy.

The difference
Between these two years.
Support.
Strength.
Restoration.
Hope.
Faith.
Courage.

Sleepless Nights

Sleepless nights

Pile up

All against them

They hate them

That one person.

Sleepless nights

Were for contemplation.

Nothing against them

Until it was.

Sleepless nights

Robbed them

Of very real dreams.

Or maybe they

Created the problem

And they could dream it away.

Except those

Sleepless nights

Kept those "Zs" away.

How can you dream at night,

When you have sleepless nights?

God, Help Me

"God, help me."
Three little words
No more than
Four letters long.
They have
Power.
Strength.
Surrender.

Sometimes,
They are the difference
Between life
And death.

Between spiritual
Strengthening
And spiritual
Weakening.

"Rescue."
Five letters.
Let Him in,
Nothing is the same.

I Dream a World

I dream a world
With rights for all and
For equality,
For love
And for respect for all.

I dream a world
With no judgement.
Where all humans
Can live in peace
No matter their
Gender,
Sexuality,
Expression.

I dream a world
Where stigma
Is broken.
Where I can share my story
Without fear.

I dream a world
Where everyone
No matter who they are
Is respected and loved
With similarities
And differences alike.