When I Look at You

When I look at you
I don't see
"Bad person".
I see someone
Who needs support,
Who needs help,
Who is hurt
By their past
And hasn't healed yet.

When I look at you
I don't see
"Screw up".
I see someone
Who is fighting
But is getting tired,
Who has these tools,
But is struggling
To use them,
Who is trying
But can't show it well.

When I look at you
I don't see
"Dangerous".
I see
"Help me."
"Don't give up
On me."
"Don't leave me."

When I look at you
I don't see
"Bully".
I see hurt.
I see desperation.
I see a friend in need.

When I look at you
I don't see
"Toxic".
I see someone
Who needs support,
Who needs help,
Who is hurting
By their past
And hasn't healed yet.

Behavior is deeper
Than skin-deep.

In The Ring

Round one.
Breathing quickens
Muscles become tense
Chest caves
Everything vibrates,
But I can't
Even lift
My weighted head,
Strapped down,
Frozen in place.

Round two.
I'm no longer
In danger.
But others are.
But I'm
Too small
Too weak
Too scared stiff
To protect.

Round three.
It's so loud.
Screaming
Piercing my ears
And again,
I'm frozen stiff.
But this time,
Chains are broken
From my ankles.

Round four.
My closed throat
Is loosened,
But hasn't let go.
But I can run now.
Bound up the stairs
To my physical safety,
But not without anxiety
For everyone else.

Round five.
I can finally move.
I've gotten past
Freeze,
I can't fight,
But I can move.
I can run.
And that's more
Than I could do
Round one.

Round zero.
It takes over again.
A memory
Controls my
Emotions
Movements
Thoughts.

But.
A few rounds later,
It's a VHS
Locked in a
Box
Behind cabinets
Behind a wall
In a basement
In a bank.
I can walk out.
Soon,
I'll be free.

Panic

It was going so well.
But now
I can't speak
I can't think
Something else is
Shoving these
Memories
Back into my head
And I'm defenseless.

I'm tired of
Being scared.
I'm tired of
Acting like I'm fine.
I'm tired
And scared I'm falling
Again.

Yet I'm expected
To push through
As if I'm not
Fighting with my mind.

Fake it
Till you make it.
Just.
Don't.
Break.

I'm fine.

The Third Return

I did it.
I hid it.
Just until
I got out of
The public eye.

Then,
I'm in the corner,
Vibrating,
Overbreathing
And suffocating,
Begging him
To not hurt me
Even though
I know
He's not in the room.
It's not even
Crossing his mind.

But it doesn't
Feel that way.

He's towering over me,
Fist clenched,
Ready to strike me down,
Lower than I
Already am.

Fight what?
Flee where?
Freeze.
But my blood
Is rushing.
My body
Is burning.

Curled into a ball,
Unable to move,
Unable to breathe,
Unable to speak.

On high alert
For danger
Where there
Is none.
But then
Why do I
Feel like I
Am dying?

Flashback,
But don't know
Where to
Or when to
Or what to.

I'm scared
I'm talking
Too much
Or too loud
And I should just
"Shut up."
I apologize,
But no one is there
To hear.

I did it.
I hid it.
Just until
I got out of
The public eye.
Then,
I lost it.