System Shutdown

Code written for a computer not processed and activated.

A memory chip that wasn't inserted the right way. 

A blue screen freezing all functions, rendering them useless.

Time stands still as the clock on the wall ticks.

Adding fuel to the flame, not blowing out candles,

Fan is blowing steady, yet the firewall climbs.

Motherboard detatched while the key is stuck on the spacebar

Filling space with nothing.

Holding ctrl alt delete but keyboard unplugged.

Nudging the mouse but disconnected.

Right To Remain Silent

I'm not mad,

But I no longer want to talk.

We started out great friends.

As we grew closer, our bond grew stronger.

We bonded over our traumas,

Over our trans identities.

We bonded over German

And both of our achievements.

As time passed, you concealed a growing hurt.

Understanding your position, I sought reconciliation.

I had no idea the mountain I was willing to die on

Would be the beginning of a mountain I had to climb.

Our balance scale shifted towards you.

I saw you hurting, so I gave more time and energy, too.

Little did I know how much I'd be drained.

Little did I know we'd become estranged.

Your crises came up, and I was there.

My crises came up, and I saw no care.

Still, one more arose, and it was beyond my scope.

I called for help to prevent lost hope.

Little did I know the wellness check checked the box

That finally made your facade snap.

I only realized after that fracture

That bond was a trauma bond.

As calls grew in number,

I became detached by the hour.

As calls grew in number,

I learned to take back power.

I never realized I was feeding the cycle,

That my kindness and understanding were your feast.

Today, I use my right to remain silent.

As I wave goodbye,

I wish you the best for your healing and life.

The Filter

I called the tools to help you,

But they handed you the hammer

And you tried to break me.

Dissonance has me going

Black white

Left right

Yes no

Should I stay

Or do I go?

Sacrificed sleep

Thinking I was saving your life.

Every call, text, and cry made me blind

To the abuse and being used.

Seems I'm familiar with your doppelganger

And the real you is a stranger -

A stranger who put me in danger.

We sang the same song,

But you were always a bit off-key.

My harmony fell flat

When you stole the melody.

You wrote a book but left out the footnote

That you were the writer using me as the pen.

When you left to write fanfic

Was when I learned I wasn't your first pick.

You sold beaded bracelets.

Little did I know

You were stringing me along.

Pouring from a crystal cup into a filthy sponge,

Your water came back to use me as a filter again.

Neglected and Failed

You knew better. 

You. Knew. Better.

I was a classic example of your research expertise,

But when I asked for help,

I was faced with neglect.

With "I don't know"s.

With "No more extra time."

With "You wouldn't be a good example."

You could have helped.

You chose not to.

See, I was blind to this.

Behind a fractured skull, I had fractured thoughts.

I couldn't see through your smile and department praise.

I couldn't see that it was you who left me to

Claw.

Collapse.

Drown.

You failed me.

You. Failed. Me.

By giving me a C, you failed me.

This grade was not a reflection of my effort

Of my determination

Of my desperation

Of my fight.

It was a reflection of your neglect.

Of your neglect to help an injured student.

To apply your expertise to a student staring you in the face

To show a sliver of understanding to a student who tried to keep pace.

You looked a student in the eye,

A student who was trying,

And you said

"No. Not good enough."

I exceeded expectations,

But you expected me to be like everyone else.

You didn't trust a student you taught

To have learned from your teachings

To teach other students.

That's a reflection of your teaching,

Not of your student.

I exceeded expectations.

But you saw a letter

As a representation of a no-good resource to your next students.

You gave me a C,

Then failed to believe in me.

You failed me.

You failed your students.

You failed yourself.