When I Look at You

When I look at you
I don't see
"Bad person".
I see someone
Who needs support,
Who needs help,
Who is hurt
By their past
And hasn't healed yet.

When I look at you
I don't see
"Screw up".
I see someone
Who is fighting
But is getting tired,
Who has these tools,
But is struggling
To use them,
Who is trying
But can't show it well.

When I look at you
I don't see
"Dangerous".
I see
"Help me."
"Don't give up
On me."
"Don't leave me."

When I look at you
I don't see
"Bully".
I see hurt.
I see desperation.
I see a friend in need.

When I look at you
I don't see
"Toxic".
I see someone
Who needs support,
Who needs help,
Who is hurting
By their past
And hasn't healed yet.

Behavior is deeper
Than skin-deep.

In The Ring

Round one.
Breathing quickens
Muscles become tense
Chest caves
Everything vibrates,
But I can't
Even lift
My weighted head,
Strapped down,
Frozen in place.

Round two.
I'm no longer
In danger.
But others are.
But I'm
Too small
Too weak
Too scared stiff
To protect.

Round three.
It's so loud.
Screaming
Piercing my ears
And again,
I'm frozen stiff.
But this time,
Chains are broken
From my ankles.

Round four.
My closed throat
Is loosened,
But hasn't let go.
But I can run now.
Bound up the stairs
To my physical safety,
But not without anxiety
For everyone else.

Round five.
I can finally move.
I've gotten past
Freeze,
I can't fight,
But I can move.
I can run.
And that's more
Than I could do
Round one.

Round zero.
It takes over again.
A memory
Controls my
Emotions
Movements
Thoughts.

But.
A few rounds later,
It's a VHS
Locked in a
Box
Behind cabinets
Behind a wall
In a basement
In a bank.
I can walk out.
Soon,
I'll be free.

Panic

It was going so well.
But now
I can't speak
I can't think
Something else is
Shoving these
Memories
Back into my head
And I'm defenseless.

I'm tired of
Being scared.
I'm tired of
Acting like I'm fine.
I'm tired
And scared I'm falling
Again.

Yet I'm expected
To push through
As if I'm not
Fighting with my mind.

Fake it
Till you make it.
Just.
Don't.
Break.

I'm fine.

The Third Return

I did it.
I hid it.
Just until
I got out of
The public eye.

Then,
I'm in the corner,
Vibrating,
Overbreathing
And suffocating,
Begging him
To not hurt me
Even though
I know
He's not in the room.
It's not even
Crossing his mind.

But it doesn't
Feel that way.

He's towering over me,
Fist clenched,
Ready to strike me down,
Lower than I
Already am.

Fight what?
Flee where?
Freeze.
But my blood
Is rushing.
My body
Is burning.

Curled into a ball,
Unable to move,
Unable to breathe,
Unable to speak.

On high alert
For danger
Where there
Is none.
But then
Why do I
Feel like I
Am dying?

Flashback,
But don't know
Where to
Or when to
Or what to.

I'm scared
I'm talking
Too much
Or too loud
And I should just
"Shut up."
I apologize,
But no one is there
To hear.

I did it.
I hid it.
Just until
I got out of
The public eye.
Then,
I lost it.

Breathe

Can't think of the here
And now.
A balance of balls
Which keep falling off
The scale.
Holding your breath,
But you can't keep it steady.

"Breath is the
Finest gift of nature.
Be grateful for this
Wonderful gift."

To create music
That makes the
World go 'round.

To speak
Life,
Joy,
Inspiration,
To those
Who have lost it.

Give a fresh color
To this bland,
Old world.
We settle for little,
But when we breathe,
We explode into color
Leaving ourselves refreshed
And others revived.

Escape

But you have to make
Some time
To release.
To escape.
To breathe.
To gain a perspective
You haven't seen
Since forever.

"Try to keep your
Soul young and
Quivering right up
To old age."

Imagination.
We had it
When we were kids,
But then we grew up.
What changed?

Expectation
Obsession
With perfection
Distraction

When we were young,
We didn't think about
What was yet to come.
Not as far ahead as now.

Now.
Deadlines
College
Jobs
Piles of work
Yet to be done

Can't think of the here
And now.
A balance of balls
That keep falling off
The scale.
Holding your breath,
But you can't keep it steady.

Release

"Poetry comes from the
highest happiness
Or the
deepest sorrow."

It's true.
Pure poetry
Comes from
From depths others
Are too scared to go,
Are too scared to feel,
Although they would grow.

But there's more.
It comes from
Anxiety
Pressure
Frustration
Depression
Repression
It's a release.

Release.
A breath of fresh air
You can't get just anywhere.
A moment of peace
And quiet,
Something so hard to find
In a world full of noise
No one can escape.

But you have to make
Some time
To release.
To escape.
To breathe.
To gain a perspective
You haven't seen
Since forever.

The 8 Days of Finals

8 days 'till finals
7 assignments tonight
6 finals coming
5 tests before then
4 in different subjects
3 to study for
2 Christmas concerts
And 1 very stressed out student

New Beginning

She watches the sun set
Beyond the horizon
As the day ends.
Birds grow silent,
The world stands still.
The day ends
As a new beginning starts

We Came to You

We came to you
As sinners and
You transformed us.
Redeemed us.
Freed us
Because you love us.

He took the broken
And pieced them together
Into a masterpiece.

He gives
Light,
Love,
Comfort,
Healing
To those
Who call out
To Him.

Listen

Why is my brain
Like earbuds tangled
Straight out of
A pocket unorganized?

Distraction like a dog
Hunting down a squirrel
Darting up a tree--
Barking all along the way.

Mood like swings
When we were kids,
But dragging along
The woodchips
Beneath our toes,
Struggling to soar above.

Repetition like a
Broken record,
Broken record,
Broken record,
No record of an end.

Like a tree
Towering over
A crushed flower,
But merely
A memory
Of what trauma
Occurred before.

And anxiety.
I'm an artichoke,
Choking on what I
Need to say,
But can't.

If only they were to
Slow
Down,
Consider my
Different way of
Speaking,
And read
What I can't verbalize.

My voice is found
In the place it takes
Care to look
And consideration
To hear.

My Validated OCD

Another one.
Another diagnosis.
Another validation
That I didn't get before.
I missed one criterion,
So it was invalid.

Now it's confirmed--
A real thing.
Something that exists
In my life
That impacts me
So often.
My validated OCD.

The God Who Loves

The God
Who was there for me
When no one else was.
Who is there for me,
Just a prayer away.

The one who protects.
The one who died for all sins.
No hints
Of disappearance.

He gave a promise
To stay
When He could've easily
Walked away.

This eternal,
Reckless love
Guides in confusion,
Comforts in struggle,
Strengthens in weakness,
Rejoices in successes.

He tossed the ladder aside,
Offered His mighty hand,
And said
"Come to me, my children,
And I will give you rest."

He sacrificed His son
So we could live,
Chains free,
Debt free.

Why walk away
When He could have gone
The same way,
But gave a promise
To stay?

My Promise

I promised myself
I'll eat SOMETHING
For lunch,
Even if it's small.

I need to keep moving.
Keep recovering.
Keep fighting.

Lose my
Longing of control.
I don't have it.
I don't need it.
God has it.
So I know
I'll be okay.

Why I Write

Anxiety multiplies
Beyond my control.
Then it overflows.
The current is too strong
For me to hold my ground.
So I write.
And I'm anchored.

A place where
I should feel safe
And can eat my lunch
In peace.
But then I hear something
That shouldn't be said.

So I run
To pull myself together.
Before the tears stream,
I write
And the tears retreat.

The end of another day.
Crickets cry
And birds fly.
And the sky--
It glows.

No one slows down.
No one stops
To smell the roses.
So I write
And it's captured forever.

Human Water

There's something about rain.

The chaos

And peace.

The resurrection

And destruction.

It's relatable.

it's human.

It's disturbing

And unsettling,

But comforting

And calming.

Crack a Joke, or Crack Me Open?

You make a joke
Miles away from funny.
And you manage to do it
Every day.
It blows me away
And not in a good way.

It pushes me away
Until I run away
To pull myself together.
To fight the tears
Invited because
Of what you said
And I can't handle it.

"How to lose weight
In two seconds.
Take two fingers
Then stick them
Down your throat."

It's not a joke.
How can you
See it as one?
Then I run
To where I can work
And feel safe.

The Dangers of a Blind Eye

Turning a blind eye
To people struggling,
The stigma,
The jokes about
A serious disorder,
Doesn't help
The disorder with the
Highest mortality rate
Of any mental disorder.

They might believe
They aren't "sick enough",
Don't look "sick enough",
Their problem is
"Nothing to worry about."

But they sometimes forget
Counting calories constantly
Isn't normal.
Excercise to exaustion
And then some
Isn't normal.
Praying another pound
Won't be gained
Isn't normal.
Losing control
Isn't normal.

But they don't look
As bad as
The people
In the media,
So their problem
Isn't that bad.
Right?

Favorite foods
Are now the
Forbidden fruit,
Calories the enemy.
Truth are lies and
Lies are truth
Trapped in the mind
Seemingly impossible
To leave behind.

The Myth of the Wishing Well

I fell into a
Wishing well.
Everyone
Wishes me well,
But it gets hard to buy
What they're trying to sell
After a while.

I fell into a
Wishing well.
I can't
Wish myself out.

I fell into a
Wishing well
I can only wait it out--
Wait 'till morning
When I awake
From the nightmare
That is my mind
At night.

I fell into a
Wishing well.
Some days
I'm able to
Be a normal human--
Even feel like one--
Until I lose sight
At night
And then

I fall into the
Wishing well.

Common Sense

She downplays
My struggle.
Says it's "nothing"
But to me
It's something.

She doesn't understand
The pressure
I'm under
The pressure
I pile onto myself

It started as a pebble,
But a month in,
I feel a mountain range
On my chest.

It may not be APUSH,
But the reading
Pushing me to my limits.
It's common sense.

Moving Process

Big change
Brings out the
Best
And the worst
In everyone.

Boxes constantly dragged
And taped,
Talking to one person
But not another
And everyone in the end
Ends up upset.

And I'm tired.
I want to go to bed,
But my room doesn't
Have it yet
And they tell me not to fret,
But all I want is my bed.

And sleep.
And to study for my l
German test.
And Physics test.
And Independent Living
Test.

I'm tired.
But if I rest,
I just know I'll get yelled at.
They just did that.

To top it off,
My friend is depressed
And it's not my responsibility,
But it makes me stressed
Because I was in her
Place once.
But I'm so far away.

Abandoned Friend

I abandoned a friend
Because I was too busy.

Too busy to go on adventures.
Too busy to travel to
Another continent
Without moving an inch.
Too busy to hear stories
Of character's dreams
Coming true.

Can't imagine a better way
To experience years,
Someone else's life,
A wearying journey,
Pages of perseverance,
In merely a few hours.

Packing

Eyes dance around
My empty bedroom walls.
They're blank
Except a pair of
Rainbow curtains
And a few pale bookshelves.
My floor is
Blanketed in boxes,
But my closet has yet
To be cleaned out.

Finally Moving

He answered
My repeated prayer.
"God, please,
Give us this house."

Everything's flipped.
The layout
Of the house.
Turn left as usual,
And you'll run into a wall.

Caring landlord.
One who won't let
A raccoon and squirrels
Make a home in your walls.

Everything is different,
But it'll be the same
In all the best ways.
I pray.

I prayed.
Then God's light came out
From behind the clouds
And it no longer rains,
But my tears of joy pour.

Shut Up

"Shut up."
A contradictory message.
Home I'm told to shut up.
School I'm told to speak up.
Church I was told to speak up,
But now I'm told to shut up.

I never seem to know
When the time is right
To speak
Or be quiet.
When the teacher is talking,
My lips are sealed.
When other people are speaking,
What do I do?

Interrupt,
I'm rude.
Don't interrupt,
And I'm not heard.