Meet My Maker

I wrote out the danger hours

But I didn't follow the rules and now I pay

Head spins, and the silence screams

And all I wish for is an end.

The end could be sleep

The end could be forever

And which I want is question for later.

Creativity comes down from darkness,

And the outlet for it is not fitting.

Meet-cute

This is not cute

More like I'm ready to meet my maker.

I'll Walk With You Tomorrow

Suicidal thoughts are no walk in the park,

But we walk for suicide prevention.

We want to walk with you.

Keep walking, and we'll be by your side.

I'll walk with you tomorrow.

Already Left

I screamed, but no sound came out.

I thought you left me--

I thought you were gone.

I prayed you weren't, but I had no idea.

I'll See You Tomorrow

 Suicidal thoughts are no walk in the park,

But we walk for suicide prevention.

All I want is for you to walk through that door.

For how long you will, I am not sure.

Every day, I pray I will see you again.

I care about you.

You may think it's a lie,

But I will keep trying no matter how long it takes

For you to believe it.

I pray you will see how much people care.

I scream and cry every time I remember

You tried to take your life.

If you died, I would die inside.

I pray I'll see you tomorrow.

Safe Space/Brave Space

 Not guaranteed safety in a safe space

Tired of being brave in a brave space

I've been brave enough all day,

I don't want to be the one to educate.

I'm already dealing with shit.

I'm dealing with shit,

So the last thing on my mind is telling you "why."

Why I am the way I am,

Who I am,

Why I am who I am

What I am facing

Why I'm not telling you what is really going on.

And I'm left to tell the story over

And over

And over.

I am so tired of being brave

And there is no group I can be in

Where I'm completely safe.

Walked Away

 I came in with wide eyes and an open mind

And by week 2, you tore it apart.

My outlet--

My lifeline--

You stole it all from me,

Left me in smithereens,

But you turned around

And walked away.

Since I Met You

I haven't been the same

Since I met you

I am not the same

Since I met you

I'll never be the same

Since I met you

Wish I'd never met you

Finally Seen

 Finally seen.

My name is mine,

My pronouns are mine.

One surgery, then my body is mine.

Leave dysphoria and embrace euphoria,

I'll finally be seen as me.

Outlet Unplugged

 I-

I lost it.

My main outlet of speaking my feeling.

Criticized for being too literal.

Too choppy.

Too much.

Too little.

Too this.

Too that.

But I'm desperate.

You tried to shape me into what you thought

Was a piece of art.

Instead, I fell apart.

No longer an assignment, 

Months have passed with little to show.

But now, with few resources,

I'm forced to go back to one of my last resorts.

So I write.

I feel sick.

I feel tired.

I feel lost.

I feel alone.

People can swarm me,

But I'll still feel alone.

I'm not allowed to give up.

I can't. 

I don't want to.

I won't.

But these feelings feel too familiar. 

Let them pass by in a river,

But it's more like a waterfall.

That drop.

That's me in an instant.

Once more,

I hear "Fake it till you make it."

"If you fake laughing, you'll feel better."

I don't care about the studies,

I care about my reality.

Time and time again,

Year after year,

I've screamed

"FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT... but just. don't. break."

Laugh as I shed a tear,

But I can hide it behind my smiling.

If I smile, you don't see the details.

You don't want to see the details, do you?

Fake it till you make it,

So I hide the tear behind my mask.

If I mask, you don't see the details.

You don't want to see the details, do you?

Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s Voice

When silence deafens,

Silence becomes betrayal.

Voices are power.

Faith and Words

Faith can move mountains.

Fewer mountains will be moved

If faith is not shared.

Words can move mountains.

Fewer mountains will be moved

If words are not shared.

I Forgive You

I. Forgive. You.

You tore me to pieces bit by bit--

Every word a bullet to my soul and you weren't slowing.

You left me bleeding out and as I was gasping for breath,

Crying for help with what little oxygen I had left,

I turned around and there was an oxygen mask.

People with no training rushed in and gave me sanctuary.

A safer sanctuary than the one that nearly killed me.

A safer sanctuary than the one that left me for dead.

A safer family who took me in and hasn't stopped loving me since.

Cube

Grouped amongst the others,

You don't see me on my own.

Snowflake.

Swiftly breezing with the rest,

You don't see me as unique.

Glacier.

Creeping away so slowly,

You maybe notice when I'm gone.

Ice.

You don't see me melting.

Maybe you will never see me at all.

Wildfire.

I've sat amongst candles,

But you encourage distance into nonexistence.

Report

"I'm a little down toda-"

Report.

"Therapy's just a week awa-"

Report.

"Please, just let me go back to my dor-"

Report.

"I have an exam I need to study fo-"

Report.

"Please, stop reporting. I'm fi-"

Report.

"Please, ask me if I'm ok before you repor-"

Report.

"You want me to speak up when I need help-"

Report.

"But all I'm learning is to shut up and shy awa-"

Report.

Send Silence Packing

I see your backpacks.

The ones that felt so heavy,

You fell

And couldn't get back up.

I see you.

I hear your screaming.

I was screaming so loudly

Others couldn't hear me,

But I can hear you.

I was there too.

If only they saw you

Before you were seen

Six feet under.

I've come out the other side.

I've had people who care lift the rocks out of my backpack

So I could breathe.

I can breathe.

I never lost my breath,

But was suffocating

6 years ago.

9 months ago,

I wanted to leave.

I believed

Lives would be better

If I wasn't there.

But now I see

I am seen.

I am known.

Now I see hope

If only just a glimpse.

Now I'm clean.

I wish you could've felt that too.

Betrayal

 I gave my life to you.

You were my home.

You were my family.

I began to serve you,

But you ripped my heart out

Before turning me away.

And it burns.

My very being screams

For you to take me back,

But somehow,

That might just twist the blade.

Show and Tell

I'd love to share these words

Exposing my heart and soul

But is that too much

For show and tell?

Our Book

We were our own book,

Beautiful cover

Containing a

Poetic friendship inside,

Line by line,

Written with ease.

We were on the same page

For six years,

Then suddenly,

You've closed the book,

Disappeared,

But I didn't get to read

What the last line was

When you declared

The book was done

And you

Moved on.

You flipped the page,

Disappeared,

Now I'm in tears.

Cloudy Silver Lining

 Maybe I see the

Silver lining

In every cloud

Because those

Around me

Told me

The low highs

Weren't enough

From me.

Now,

Should I just

Tell lies?

That I'm fine?

That everything around me

Is fine?

I'll tell you

"I'm fine"

And lie

If it makes you happy

While I'm dying.

Goghing to Blossom

The breeze

Brushes through the trees,

Rustling leaves

Ready to fall

Into winter.

Sunflowers still

Somewhere between dead

And alive,

But for now,

Irises bloom with brilliant beauty

Until they are snipped from their stem.

Snipped from their stem,

They may wilt,

But nothing will steal

Their vibrant color

Or ecstatic beauty.

(June 6, 2022)

Attack (Prey)

These red eyes enclose me.

Screaming

Bursting through

My brain.

Attacks

From all sides--

Numb.

I feel

None of it.

It was there

One second

Now gone

In a split second.

Now

I have this fear

I'm being watched.

Hyenas with daggers.

I'm in danger

Not allowed

To move.

I'd turn the lights out

But I feel it's

One step closer

To my lights being

Put out.

Swap

I'm on a hill,

Hyenas below,

Now I'm the one

Grinning.

Fly

As more predators

Come close,

I lose

Their grip,

Spread my wings,

Flying high above,

Soaring,

Circling my new prey. 

(May 29, 2022)