Choir in the Orchestra Pit

A family.
I say it constantly,
But it's true.

The magic happens
Above us and
Surrounds us.
Each bow
Glides in sync,
Air whistles
Through oboes
And bassoons boom.

A blanket of stage smoke
Pours over the edge
And dissipates into
Thin air.

Tip-taps of toes
Click above us
As ballet skippers
Skate across the stage

One Song in Our Hearts

Our hearts beat
In time
With the music
In our hearts
And in our souls.

It's a bond
Nothing else can form.
In that moment
When our vocal cords
Are identical,
That is when
The magic happens.

We are
One voice,
One body,
One mind,
One soul.

We pour
Our heart
Our soul
Into every note
We breathe.

The room trembles
With delight
As we get that
Measure down
We've worked on
For weeks.

Not just anyone
Can pull it off.
Not just friends
Can pull it off.
It takes a family.


11/17/19

Done.

I'm sorry
I'm not considerate enough
I'm sorry
I talk too much
I'll try
To be silent
I'll try
To be your puppet.

Not take a shower
When I feel
I'm falling apart?
Done.

Not wipe my tears
After crying
Until I'm dehydrated?
Done.

Not move a muscle
Because I might
Step on your toes?
Done.

Stop acting
Like you
Stop being
Me
Stop feeling
Like a being?
Done.


11/24/19

Here and Now

Right now,
I'm focusing on
Rescuing myself.
I'm focused on
Keeping myself alive.

I'm trying my best
Just to not have
A flashback.

I'm already stressed
About college.
About FAFSA.
I'm stressed about
In two and a half years
When I have to worry about
Transferring and all that stuff
That goes with that.

I'm well aware
Of all the stuff
I have to do
And I consistently
Ask any questions
That might spring up,
Maybe not to you,
But to the college reps.

I've gone to the college night.
I' looking for the dates
For college visits
That I won't be able to attend
For the next
Two and a half years.

I get
You want me
To be prepared.
I get
You want me
To succeed.
And I get
You're trying to make sure
You cover everything.

But please.
I'm stressed as it is.
Assignments now,
College next year.
College in two years.

Don't I have
Enough on my plate?
I'm already staring at it,
Scrambling to
Get it all in order.
It doesn't help
To be reminded
What is still left
That I already see.

I'm juggling
Everything else,
But I promise
I'll get it all
Before the deadline.

A Verbal Murder

At first
They were cuts.
Things I've heard before
That sting nonetheless.
But I'm used to it.
I've endured
Years of it.
Getting myself together,
Begging myself
Not to cry
That this time
He might just leave it
And let me breathe.

But this time is different.
There are still cuts
And the scars from before,
But now there are more.
They're mild,
But plentiful still.

And just when I think
You're giving me a break
The knife comes from
Behind you
And in one stab
You slashed
My skin
My heart
My hope.

And I screamed because
Anytime I was upset at you,
One thing still gave me hope.
One thing made me proud of you.
You never misgendered me.
No matter how mad or got
Or upset you got
Or disappointed or frustrated,
You would always respect
Who I was.

But instead,
You twisted the blade.
You made me lose
My pride in you
And the respect for myself.

See, I would die for you.
One might say that's not healthy,
But I wouldn't care
Because you're my big brother.

You were supposed to protect me.
You were supposed to
Keep away the thoughts that haunt me,
Keep away the bullies.
But instead,
You are one.

You could never apologize,
But I will always forgive you.
Why?
You're my big brother.
What else am I supposed to do?


10/26/19

A Different Perspective

In order to
Volunteer in video
At church,
I had to acknowledge
I am required
To report someone
Who says they are
Thinking of
Hurting themselves
Or someone else.

I had to report
My own friend.
Risking our friendship,
I still knew
What I had to do.
And now she's
Doing better.

So I understand
The requirements and
It's better to be
Safe than sorry,
But every time
I'm reported,
I end up sorry
And feel like
I need to quiet down.

I'm fine.
I promise.

I'm sorry
I said anything.
I'm sorry
I concerned you.
I hate concerning people.
It makes me feel like
I'm burdening them
When all I want to do
Is talk
And raise awareness.

See last week,
I hit report
Number ten.

I'm not the only one
Who feels this way.
There are many other
Students like me.
They just want to talk.

Or they might be suicidal,
But it's an emotion;
Not an action.

Like me,
They're receiving help,
So reporting
Does nothing.

What do you need me
To say
To convince you
I'm okay?

I understand
The obligation.
But if you're going
To report me,
Please tell me
So maybe I can
Put you
At some ease.

Now,
I 'm not
Angry,
Or upset,
Or anything
Of the like.

I just need you
To understand
A perspective
You might not hear.


9/28/19

Therapy Outside of Therapy

My poetry is my
Therapy outside of
Therapy.

I jot down my thoughts
And you call it negative.
I'm sorry my thoughts
Concern you,
But they're real.

The only way
To rid of them
Is out
On paper
Instead of out
On myself.

I've already done that,
And I don't feel like
Going back.

Fun fact:
You can be suicidal
And safe
At the same time.

It's not as severe,
It's not as often,
But it's there sometimes,
But I'm still safe.

Flowers fall apart
In the rain,
But they're
Just as healthy
The next day.


9/27/19

The Prince and His Cinderella

I'm a prisoner
In my own home.
My brother
Is the prince--
His girlfriend,
Cinderella.

She does the
Dirty work
At home,
But with him,
She's a queen.

She's the princess
And the pea
Needing silence
Every morning.
Speaking in
A normal voice
Is forbidden.

I want them gone,
Glass slippers
And all.
I thought
They'd be out
By the end
Of December,
But I guess
I was wrong.


9/25/19

Five Year Reflection

I've written so much
Over the last
Five years.

Life,
Loss,
Endings,
Beginnings,
Screaming,
Silence,
Joy,
Depression.

As I take a scroll
Down memory lane,
Emotions flood.
Then I come across one.

I almost took my life
That night.
I almost gave up
That night.
I almost gave in
That night.
It was a rough night
That night.
It was a rough life.

It is a rough life.
But I didn't
Give up.
And I can't
Give in.

I'm tired
And weak
And I've been
To hell and back.
But I'm still standing.
Even if I stumble,
And even if I fall,
I'll keep walking.


9/8/19

I Don't Know What Happened

I don't know what happened.
I just dropped.
My eyes starting to
Beg for tears
It seems like
For years
I don't know
What happened.

I don't know why
I feel this way.
No trigger was pulled.
Why does this have to be
What bipolar is like for me?

Of course my fall
Is once all my support
Is gone.
They're all home now.

But I'm left
Here in the hallway
Alone.
I don't want to talk.
There's nothing to talk about.
I just need a safe presence.
Someone who can
Treat it
Like a normal day.

I'm better
When I'm around them
Their energy
Fills me up
So high
The corners of my mouth
Rise with it.


9/4/19