Mixed-Up Numbers and Letters

They say

"Your problem

Isn't permanent,"

But you don't know me.

You don't know

My wars.

You don't know

What has shaken me

To my core.

You don't know

How I keep score.

You don't know me.

Some days are better than others.

But on those rocky days

When I can't catch a breath,

I can only pray

That I might get some rest.

See,

I've been good for a while now,

My smile is for real now,

I'm excited for new days now.

But you don't see,

I'm terrified of falling again,

I'm petrified of breaking down again,

I'm a shaking leaf,

Preparing for something to go wrong again.

Even now,My anxiety has taken control.

I can't figure out how to let it go

And I pray and I don't hear an answer.

They say

"The teacher is quiet during the test,"

But what they don't mention is

You can be ready to give up

And it still feels like He doesn't hear you.

God,

I've been begging for years

And I'm thankful

I'm still alive and here,

But I've been breaking down recently

And you're the only one

Who has the glue to fix me.

God,

I really need answers.

I know You're the light,

But I ask You shed some light

On what everyone

Can't seem to see.

God, what is wrong with me?

I've been right about every diagnosis so far,

Can I be right about this one, too?

I need to have a name.

I need explanations

For all these questions

Swirling in my brain.

Please.

They're begging to be answered.

I cry,

But I hear no answer.

They blame it on the ADHD

And I can see that with my speed,

But that doesn't explain why

I can't do basic math

Or remember basic facts.

I don't care

That I completed college math.

The accommodations kept me

From getting a D on every test,

But people just see that I completed it.

They didn't see

The step ladder I needed

To reach it.

They say I won't need

Much more math,

But I refuse to believe

That that's true.

Just say I have Dyscalculia

So I can have my

Formula card

And my calculator

And then I can succeed

In any subject I choose.

God,

Please let me be right.

I need to know why

I struggle with math so much.

I need to know why

I switch my German words up so much.

I need to know why

I see everyone around me thrive,

But I still don't know eight plus five.

Tell me why I can't remember word order.

Tell me why I've struggled in German

For the last seven years.

Tell me why everyone gets the hang of it

Except me.

"Nominative"

"Dative"

"Accusative"

Everything a language is based on

And I don't know what they mean.

It's been explained a million times,

But when it comes to doing it,

Forget it.

I don't know word order

And I question why I continue--

Why I even try anymore.

Maybe because I've struggled

Too much

To give up now.

 

I only want to be fluent

And that seems to be

Too much to ask.

God,

I'm asking for help.

I need to know

Why I scream at my

Math and German homework,

But I still miraculously succeed

And that's all anyone sees.

CPTSD in the Sea

Ice glazed over the vast sea below

That is the panic that is my past.

Each time someone takes a step,

Assuming solid ground,

The ice creaks like a rusty gate.

Immediately my heart races,

But I'm paralyzed.

I'm aphasic,

Typically asymptomatic.

If the ice snaps there,

The ice snaps here.

If the ice snaps here,

I plunge in,

Swallowed,

Engulfed in the ever-changing water,

Drowning.

My head may pop up like a bobber,

Gasping for air,

But it won't take long

Before the current yanks me back down

For another play-date with my demons.

Shack

There's so much shame.

I'm in a shack

With no way out.

There's a latch

On the door,

But what's the catch?

I bash into it,

Gasping,

Pleading for a way out

But no one is dashing

In my direction

Though I'm screaming for help,

But this shack?

It's soundproof.

I'm trapped.

Stuck in my own little world,

Door closed,

No open windows