Russia-Ukraine War: Day Three

The tension built

And still

Is building with 

Every bomb

That is dropped

Every gun

That is shot

Every missile

That is fired

We're already

So tired

And it's only

Day three. 

Barriers are being 

Broken down,

Bridges are being

Blown,

Roads are being

Barricaded,

Are asking

"Is this

The beginning

Of World War III?"

And it's only

Day three.

Chernobyl

Has been captured,

The sky lights 

Like fire,

Blazing with the

Death tolls rising,

Never-ending

Punches rolling,

And none of us

Find this

Surprising.

And it's only

Day three.

A Little More, A Little Less

My mom

Wants to end

The 32-year marriage

With my dad.

She wants

To call

It quits.

Their therapist insisted

"4 more months,"

But I doubt

That'll make

Any difference 

I've seen

The end approaching

Between my parents.

I've been

Watching,

Waiting

For years,

But it's

Finally becoming

A reality.

So I might be

A little more

Off,

A little more

Spacey,

A little more

Drowsy.

A little less

Energy,

A little less

Participation,

A little less

Patience.

I apologize 

In advance. 

As always,

I'll do my best,

But I'm not

Exactly sure

What my "best"

Will look like.

Walking, Convincing, and Cutting Ties. Bye.

 After 30 years,

You walked away

Without a word,

Yet still insisted

On having

The last word.

After 32 years,

You decided

It was over

And it took a therapist

To convince you

4 more months

Before calling it quits.

In every other way,

You cut ties

With us all.

You cut

My lifeline.

If I'm honest,

It was over

A long time ago.

Communication

Went dead,

Boundaries

Were trampled on,

Walls

Were put up.

Trust

Disintegrated.

I don't have

To say goodbye,

But I want to.

I've been better

With you gone.

Bye.

Torn

     How are you doing?

Fine.

   How are you REALLY doing?

Well, not fine.

See,

My daughter came

Out to me as gay

And I love her

And I'm trying to remember

She said she was

Born this way,

But I fear

Others may not

See her

The way I see her

And will not love her

The way I love her.

I see the taunts

The stats

The attacks

The pain

These gay kids face

And I want

To protect her,

But how can I protect her,

When the closet holding her in

Was protecting her more

Than I ever could?

I see the

Suicide rates,

The cut-up wrists,

The depression

From lack

Of acceptance

And it's unacceptable, 

But who am I

To know how to stop this?

I don't want her

To hide

And holding it all

Inside

Was only making her

Cry.

But the slurs

They sling around,

The stones they throw

To get her knocked down

I've heard those stories

And I don't want her name

To be in the next one.

But she has no one.

   But she has you.

Yeah,

I guess that's true, 

But what can I do?

   Stand up for her.

   Say her name 

   Be proud of your daughter.

   Help her fight

   For her rights.

   I know this

   World is TORN

   In oh-so-many directions

   But perhaps we can all agree

   On one direction we must go.

Where?

   Forwards.

   Keep talking.

   This debate will keep evolving

   And people will keep asking.

   Be there.

Be there how?

She's only spoken to me now.

   Be there

   For the discussions

   Like the one we are having.

   Be there

   To speak up

   When she can't.

   Be there

   As the ally

   By her side.

“There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:28)

“…God has shown me that I should not call anyone impure or unclean.” (Acts 10:28)

Three Poems and One Name

Three poems

About a name

I decided

To change

And now the

Process begins

And I'm changed

For the better.

 

It's a relief,

You know.

"A rose by

Any other name

Would smell

As sweet."

 

But this new name

Shows the

Old me,

New me,

Future me,

And I can't wait

To hear

The name

That belongs

To me.

 

 

(1/26/2022)

Just Yesterday

Just yesterday

You were traveling

To and from Germany

As a missionary

Nearly irresponsibly faithful.

 

Just yesterday

I was in my

Pink swimsuit

And we were swimming,

Doing laps

Around your neighborhood pool.

 

Just yesterday

I was helping you

And the mail team

As the mascot,

Packing things for camps

And Christmas,

Celebrating team members'

70th

And 80th

And 90th

Birthdays

With cake.

 

Just yesterday

I learned

"Here's the barn,

Here's the steeple,

Open the doors,

Here are all the people!"

 

Just yesterday

You went on a flight

With fellow veterans

And hearing

"Mail call!"

Made you smile.

 

Just yesterday

You were swimming

And cross-country skiing

As if you were

70 years younger.

 

Just yesterday

You were serving

In the prayer room,

Part of the mail team,

At the GLS

When doctor's orders

Were for you

To sit

But you couldn't

Sit still.

 

Just yesterday

You were

Making calls

To German friends

So loudly,

I had to speak up.

 

Just yesterday

You were

Chopping wood,

Strong as an ox,

When everyone

Around you

Told you

To put the ax down

And rest.

 

Just yesterday

You delivered

My birthday present

To my doorstep

Without your walker

Like the stubborn man

You are.

 

Then

Your heart was

So full,

Your

Heart attacked but

You wouldn't stop

Or slow down.

Helping people

Was hurting you.

You lived

To serve.

 

Today,

I have to say goodbye

For the last time.

•

•

•

The man who had dessert for breakfast and breakfast for dessert,

The man who would play board games with me for hours on end,

The man who would sit me down with Veggie Tales while at the Seeds bookstore,

The man who has served God and others since he was born and did until he died,

The man who had enough faith to move a mountain range,

The man who is rejoicing in Heaven.

My grandpa.

"God loves a cheerful giver." -2 Corinthians 9:7

 

 

(1/8/2022)

An Alternate Path

I don’t know why

It’s such a big deal.

It’s just a different classroom.

My mind is too blurred

To even try

To explore why.

 

Maybe because

Studies show

When you test

In the same environment

You studied,

You better retain

Information.

Obviously not everyone

Can do that.

 

It’s easier to

Stay calm

Stay focused

When I’m with people

I recognize.

Obviously not everyone

Can get that.

 

It’’s a pointless panic,

But I’m panicking

Over maybe nothing

Regardless.

 

Unfamiliarity plus

Feeling unprepared plus

So many finals plus

Drowning in stress plus

Overcome by anxiety plus

I don’t know what.

(6/7/2020)

Congregation Disintegration

 I never wrote

About the heartbreak

He caused our church.

About the heartbreak

He caused me.

 

Woman after woman

Came forward and said

"Me too."

It became

Undeniable

They were telling

The truth.

 

He stepped down

As the women came up,

Two of the

Best pastors

Taking his place.

 

Still,

He never apologized

To the women

He caused so

Much pain.

He just...

Disappeared.

 

Then more came.

One pastor felt

Too sick

To teach,

Disgusted

By what his mentor

Had done.

 

A family meeting

Of the congregation

Was called

And it was declared

Two of the

Best pastors

Stepped down

After more allegations

Arose.

They declared

A clean slate.

Start from

Scratch,

Build from the

Bottom up.

 

The elder board resigned

And a new wave

Came in.

A new pastor

Was found,

But

People walked

Away.

 

 

(12/19/2021)

A Cry to Those Who Need to Understand

I started

At 6 weeks.

They made 

Big church

Smaller

But then later

I felt small--

Too small to be heard.

Small group leaders

Have a bit of power,

But not enough

To get higher

On the ladder.

 

I made it to the ladder.

Made my way up,

Still hiding

Who I was

Just in case.

 

But when those

On top

Found out,

I got knocked

Back down.

 

At least one

Who I worked with

Stands behind me.

One who taught me

Stands beside me.

Two who I work with

Have my back

And at least

The top

Can't stop me

From serving.

 

The ones

Who have my back--

The ones

Who make me feel

I belong

Are the ones

I volunteer with.

And I care

About those kids.

I want to

Make it known

I know

Those middle schoolers count.

No more students asking

"What about me?"

 

I don't like

Counting the hours

I serve them.

I volunteer

To do this

Silently,

Standing behind

A camera or

Sitting before

A monitor.

The only reason

I announce it

Is to encourage others

To see

What I see.

 

 

But that's not the point

Of this poem.

 

 

When I

Got knocked down,

I stood

Back up,

And I'm forgiving

The ones

Who caused

This pain,

But I can't

Work under them.

I can't support

A church

Not understanding

Who they're driving away

And why.

And I made clear

My "why".

 

I'm not about to

Say goodbye

To those students

Or the ones

Who have my back,

But only

To the ones

Who turned their back

On me.

I'll stick around

And maybe you'll see

The person

Who is trying

To be patient

And not leave

Is me.

 

It's killing me

To say this

That I'm wanting

To leave

But I can't leave

My family.

 

But right now,

My family

Are the ones

Serving

Beside me.

 

My family

Are the ones

Who see me.

 

My family

Aren't the ones who

Knock me off

The ladder--

The ones who

Turn a blind eye

To my cries.

 

The problem

Isn't rooted

In those leaving

The problem

Isn't rooted

In those teaching

The problem

Is rooted

In the ones

Making the ruling.

 

My faith is strong

That I'm not about

To leave God,

But working

Under you few

Is killing people

Like me.

Some literally.

Not me,

But I'm here

On my knees,

Begging you to please

Don't choose policy

Over God's people.

Please

Don't drive people away.

 

I'm hanging on

But just barely.

The only times

I hold strong

In this building

Is when I'm serving

Those students and

Working with the people

Who see me

When I'm hurting

And get behind me.

Student ministry

Is important to me.

I'm not about to leave them.

 

Those who I have

Worked with--

Who I have

Shared this with--

Support me

And are saying

Something.

They have a voice

Where I don't.

Still,

Nothing

Is changing.

 

I know

Changing takes time.

You won't see it

Overnight

Which is why

I'm sticking around.

 

But for me

To me healthy,

I can't be around

The toxicity.

The people

On stage

Aren't the problem

Directly,

But couldn't they

Say something?

Start to ask questions

Like those lower

Already have been?

 

 

 

This is why

I can't stand

By their side

Unless it's with people

I know

Have my back.

Those people

Are in student ministry.

They aren't 

On main stage.

The aren't

On the board.

At least not

Anymore.

 

 

(12/19/2021)