I started
At 6 weeks.
They made
Big church
Smaller
But then later
I felt small--
Too small to be heard.
Small group leaders
Have a bit of power,
But not enough
To get higher
On the ladder.
I made it to the ladder.
Made my way up,
Still hiding
Who I was
Just in case.
But when those
On top
Found out,
I got knocked
Back down.
At least one
Who I worked with
Stands behind me.
One who taught me
Stands beside me.
Two who I work with
Have my back
And at least
The top
Can't stop me
From serving.
The ones
Who have my back--
The ones
Who make me feel
I belong
Are the ones
I volunteer with.
And I care
About those kids.
I want to
Make it known
I know
Those middle schoolers count.
No more students asking
"What about me?"
I don't like
Counting the hours
I serve them.
I volunteer
To do this
Silently,
Standing behind
A camera or
Sitting before
A monitor.
The only reason
I announce it
Is to encourage others
To see
What I see.
But that's not the point
Of this poem.
When I
Got knocked down,
I stood
Back up,
And I'm forgiving
The ones
Who caused
This pain,
But I can't
Work under them.
I can't support
A church
Not understanding
Who they're driving away
And why.
And I made clear
My "why".
I'm not about to
Say goodbye
To those students
Or the ones
Who have my back,
But only
To the ones
Who turned their back
On me.
I'll stick around
And maybe you'll see
The person
Who is trying
To be patient
And not leave
Is me.
It's killing me
To say this
That I'm wanting
To leave
But I can't leave
My family.
But right now,
My family
Are the ones
Serving
Beside me.
My family
Are the ones
Who see me.
My family
Aren't the ones who
Knock me off
The ladder--
The ones who
Turn a blind eye
To my cries.
The problem
Isn't rooted
In those leaving
The problem
Isn't rooted
In those teaching
The problem
Is rooted
In the ones
Making the ruling.
My faith is strong
That I'm not about
To leave God,
But working
Under you few
Is killing people
Like me.
Some literally.
Not me,
But I'm here
On my knees,
Begging you to please
Don't choose policy
Over God's people.
Please
Don't drive people away.
I'm hanging on
But just barely.
The only times
I hold strong
In this building
Is when I'm serving
Those students and
Working with the people
Who see me
When I'm hurting
And get behind me.
Student ministry
Is important to me.
I'm not about to leave them.
Those who I have
Worked with--
Who I have
Shared this with--
Support me
And are saying
Something.
They have a voice
Where I don't.
Still,
Nothing
Is changing.
I know
Changing takes time.
You won't see it
Overnight
Which is why
I'm sticking around.
But for me
To me healthy,
I can't be around
The toxicity.
The people
On stage
Aren't the problem
Directly,
But couldn't they
Say something?
Start to ask questions
Like those lower
Already have been?
This is why
I can't stand
By their side
Unless it's with people
I know
Have my back.
Those people
Are in student ministry.
They aren't
On main stage.
The aren't
On the board.
At least not
Anymore.
(12/19/2021)
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