Life Rewritten

I wrote the note once.

I wrote my will.

But now I have a will to live.

J

She wanted to starve

She wanted a blade

She wanted a bridge

She wanted a knife

She wanted a gun

I needed her to be safe.

I begged her to stay.

Tried to convince her I cared.

Tried to help her believe I was there.

Tried to convince her people would know if she was gone.

Tried to help her believe her existence wasn't wrong.

That day.

Was begging her to step away from the ledge of her roof.

She sent photos of it as proof.

Six hours, I tried to stand by.

She said goodbye.

Those scars will never leave my mind.

October 10, 2017

I was 15 in the US,

She was 14 in Australia.

A

Girlfriend of an army man,

Boyfriend deployed,

She was left alone with thoughts and drinks.

She wanted to give in.

I encouraged her to hold on.

I encouraged her to stay back.

She took a nap.

She put a blade to her skin.

Surface slits.

I told her

"Your best will look different every day and that's ok."

She replied

"I've never thought about it that way."

Three years later,

Wife of an army man.

Two twins on the way.

2016

I was 14 in the US.

She is in Texas.

Fine Line

Walking the fine line,

I tried to help you up,

But you sent me over.

Walking the fine line,

I bumped into you.

I didn't mean to.

You waivered.

You waved fairwell.

Tied Up and Tired

Cracked skull and broken brain.

My head was screaming so loud, but you couldn't hear it.

You can't hear it.

The damage restrains me no matter how much I try to be freed.

I can loosen the ropes, but it takes so much to try.

And that's before I try what I'm assigned.

I'm slowly freeing myself,

But learning how to do it takes so long.

So much energy.

I keep trying even when I'm sleeped deprived,

Making me weaker.

Still tied up, I'm trying to do my to-do,

Determined to get it done,

No matter what rope burns I get.

I'm trying.

Numb and Limp

Limbs limp

I'm an ice cube with no feeling

No temperature

Numb and limp

Pushed off a cliff

Try to remind myself that I'm alive

Numb and limp

Climb back up but I keep slipping,

Forgetting I can recognize where I am

The Future I Want To Know

I know it'll be gone soon

And I hope you see that too.

Thoughts are just thoughts,

Flowing down a river.

There is fear.

There is pain.

But nothing good

Comes from being gone.

I had lost all hope once.

Then, I had only hope.

Now it slips, but my eyes are still fixed

On the future I want to know.

On my future I want to know.

Thank You and Farewell

There when I needed you even though I didn't know you.

Prayed for healing when my brain was bleeding

Spoke with me when I struggled to find words

Patient when I was I was impatient with myself 

A rock to lean on while my world was crumbled

Helped me see hope when hope seemed lost

I'm getting back to baseline, and I'm starting to fly again

I'm starting a new chapter of my life.

May God be with you for yours.

Screaming

Screaming

Screaming

Screaming into the abyss.

Screaming so loudly, you can't hear me.

You won't see me.

You won't hear me.

You can't see me, yet the fault is on me.

Screaming so long, I can't hear me.

Screaming so long, I'm gone.

Square 0

Square 0.

Everyone's busy, so I'll just stay here.

I said something weird, so I'll just stand in the corner.

Someone's distressed, so I'll just stay silent and disappear.

Easy.

Square 1.

My small alarm bell is going off, so I'll go ask for help.

I don't know what's happening to me, but someone can help.

Skills aren't working, but there is help.

Harder. 

Square 0.

False alarm, so I've wasted resources.

Said too much, so I'll shut up and shy away.

It's too complicated, so I shouldn't even bother.

I'm too complicated, so I shouldn't even bother.

I'm too much, so I shouldn't even bother.

Hard.

I'm on my own.

All alone, I've stepped back from Square 1.

Do Not Disturb

They don't say it, but they silently scream

"DO NOT DISTURB."

Then my small alarm bell goes off,

And I disturb.

I try hard at everything,

I tried just about everything,

But maybe I didn't try hard enough.

Maybe I don't try hard enough to

Do not disturb.

Intrusive Thoughts

These Intrusive Thoughts never stop.

The classics.

I need to disappear

I'm a cry baby

I'm a waste

I take up too much space

The contemporary.

I'm unlovable

I ask for help too much

I am too much

One day I'll be gone anyway

These Intrusive Thoughts invade my days.

My nights.

My life.

I'll never see the end until it's the end.

The Great Starvation

 A land of green and growth,

Old habits still die hard.

It's a war to not starve

Even when the famine has died.

Restarting

If someone broke their leg last month,

You don't tell them to go for a jog tomorrow. 

I broke my brain last month,

And I'm being asked to go for a run.

They're asking me for calculus

While I'm still re-learning 1+1.

Too Little Too Late

I've found the key, but it doesn't fit the lock.

I've rattled this cage to make dents and see that as progress,

But I'm just as stuck as when I was born.

Maybe I'm shattered beyond repair.

I've been gluing myself back together,

But maybe there's too little fusing--

Too little for someone to love.

Too different for someone to relate.

Healing means people leaving, which means being left behind.

When they leave, they don't look back.

Faulty Armor

So here we go again.

I don't just use my spoons or lose my spoons,

But you burn them until I'm branded and then toss them aside.

Then you wonder why I can't serve you.

I decide I'm done.

I shape a shield, but I'm a fool pretending I'll let it protect me.

You call me out on my shield, and I come running back.

I'm back to being your servant.

I grow stronger.

I build a better shield, but you're too fast.

You claw at me until I'm bleeding out,

Then, put a bandage on and cradle me.

But I see you.

I grow wiser.

I craft a helmet, but you have a sword.

You slash through me, but claim it's the other guy's sword,

So it's his fault, not yours.

I'm too tired.

I'm back at your feet.

Maybe one day, I can design a suit of armor.

One you can't get through.

One that will let me live.

One that will let me run

And you can't catch me.