Congregation Disintegration

 I never wrote

About the heartbreak

He caused our church.

About the heartbreak

He caused me.

 

Woman after woman

Came forward and said

"Me too."

It became

Undeniable

They were telling

The truth.

 

He stepped down

As the women came up,

Two of the

Best pastors

Taking his place.

 

Still,

He never apologized

To the women

He caused so

Much pain.

He just...

Disappeared.

 

Then more came.

One pastor felt

Too sick

To teach,

Disgusted

By what his mentor

Had done.

 

A family meeting

Of the congregation

Was called

And it was declared

Two of the

Best pastors

Stepped down

After more allegations

Arose.

They declared

A clean slate.

Start from

Scratch,

Build from the

Bottom up.

 

The elder board resigned

And a new wave

Came in.

A new pastor

Was found,

But

People walked

Away.

 

 

(12/19/2021)

A Cry to Those Who Need to Understand

I started

At 6 weeks.

They made 

Big church

Smaller

But then later

I felt small--

Too small to be heard.

Small group leaders

Have a bit of power,

But not enough

To get higher

On the ladder.

 

I made it to the ladder.

Made my way up,

Still hiding

Who I was

Just in case.

 

But when those

On top

Found out,

I got knocked

Back down.

 

At least one

Who I worked with

Stands behind me.

One who taught me

Stands beside me.

Two who I work with

Have my back

And at least

The top

Can't stop me

From serving.

 

The ones

Who have my back--

The ones

Who make me feel

I belong

Are the ones

I volunteer with.

And I care

About those kids.

I want to

Make it known

I know

Those middle schoolers count.

No more students asking

"What about me?"

 

I don't like

Counting the hours

I serve them.

I volunteer

To do this

Silently,

Standing behind

A camera or

Sitting before

A monitor.

The only reason

I announce it

Is to encourage others

To see

What I see.

 

 

But that's not the point

Of this poem.

 

 

When I

Got knocked down,

I stood

Back up,

And I'm forgiving

The ones

Who caused

This pain,

But I can't

Work under them.

I can't support

A church

Not understanding

Who they're driving away

And why.

And I made clear

My "why".

 

I'm not about to

Say goodbye

To those students

Or the ones

Who have my back,

But only

To the ones

Who turned their back

On me.

I'll stick around

And maybe you'll see

The person

Who is trying

To be patient

And not leave

Is me.

 

It's killing me

To say this

That I'm wanting

To leave

But I can't leave

My family.

 

But right now,

My family

Are the ones

Serving

Beside me.

 

My family

Are the ones

Who see me.

 

My family

Aren't the ones who

Knock me off

The ladder--

The ones who

Turn a blind eye

To my cries.

 

The problem

Isn't rooted

In those leaving

The problem

Isn't rooted

In those teaching

The problem

Is rooted

In the ones

Making the ruling.

 

My faith is strong

That I'm not about

To leave God,

But working

Under you few

Is killing people

Like me.

Some literally.

Not me,

But I'm here

On my knees,

Begging you to please

Don't choose policy

Over God's people.

Please

Don't drive people away.

 

I'm hanging on

But just barely.

The only times

I hold strong

In this building

Is when I'm serving

Those students and

Working with the people

Who see me

When I'm hurting

And get behind me.

Student ministry

Is important to me.

I'm not about to leave them.

 

Those who I have

Worked with--

Who I have

Shared this with--

Support me

And are saying

Something.

They have a voice

Where I don't.

Still,

Nothing

Is changing.

 

I know

Changing takes time.

You won't see it

Overnight

Which is why

I'm sticking around.

 

But for me

To me healthy,

I can't be around

The toxicity.

The people

On stage

Aren't the problem

Directly,

But couldn't they

Say something?

Start to ask questions

Like those lower

Already have been?

 

 

 

This is why

I can't stand

By their side

Unless it's with people

I know

Have my back.

Those people

Are in student ministry.

They aren't 

On main stage.

The aren't

On the board.

At least not

Anymore.

 

 

(12/19/2021) 

With Whom Can I Share This Poem With?

With whom

Can I share

This poem with?

I can

Speak up with

Spoken word,

But I'm not sure

Who will

Do something

Or feel something

If I say it.

Who will be

Too uncomfortable

To listen

To the words I pour

Raw from my

Closed throat?

My reason

For speaking?

I need

To share these.

Poetry

Is my voice,

But who will

Take time

To read?

To listen?

Who would

Do something?

Feel something?

I plead

For them to at least

Feel something,

But I don't know

Who "they" are.

Who will hear

The real me

And my stories?

With whom

Is it worth

Sharing?

(10/12/2021)

Coping But No Calm

CPTSD

Is my reality.

The screaming that never ceases,

The dirt stuck in the creases,

The same scenes

My mind keeps repeating.

"Just focus on your breathing."

But see,

I can't turn out this talent

No matter how much I practice

Before putting into to practice.

I listen to song lyrics,

But they can only do so much

Until they are merely a melody

With no words

No meaning.

(10/12/2021)

The church versus The Church

 At first

I was sad

Which turned to

Furious

Which turned to

Disappointment.

Now

I'm just disappointed.

I called you

My home

For 19 years.

"Love everyone always."

"Welcome everyone always."

"Respect everyone always."

You preached it

From the rooftops

So I believed

You knew

It was true.

You included

The incarcerated,

You included

The homeless,

You included

The hurt,

No exceptions.

If that

Is true,

Why do I feel

None of that

Coming

From you?

It's not coming

From you few

Who represent

The church

And what's true.

I agreed

To what you

Believe.

I guess I didn't

Analyze

The fine print.

But I did this time.

You said

If I don't transition

I can stay.

"It says that

In the statements,"

You say.

No.

Little did I know

Being a bit more

Vulnerable

Would get me

Fired.

At least I know

There's another

In the fire

Standing next to me.

At least

You taught me

The Church

Isn't a building.

The Church

Is the people.

I may attend

The building,

But I do not stand

For what you stand for.

The building

Is not my home.

I declare His arms

As my home

And embrace

Those who

Bring me closer

To Him

Because I see Him

In them.

I may not

Work there

Anymore,

But I attend

Because I know others

In the building

Who see me

And accept me

For who I am

Because they see

In me

What He sees.

I don't

Represent the church

Anymore.

But I will

Represent The Church.

(September 17, 2021)