Dear Me: 2022

 Dear me.

You lived for graduation.

It's what kept

You going.

It wasn't what you thought

It would look like,

But you made it.

You completed

School number one,

Now you're about

To graduate

From school

Number two

In three

Months.

Dear me.

You heard repeatedly

"Fake it 'till you make it,"

But you always added on

"Just don't break."

But you broke.

But you got fixed up

And kept going

And never gave up

For good.

Dear me.

The struggling

Will not disappear,

But that doesn't mean

You have to.

Look around you.

You feel alone.

I know how

It feels so true,

But I promise you

There are people

To hold onto.

Plans ahead

You never thought

You would make it to.

Achievements made

That haven't even

Crossed your mind,

But you made it

And you did it

And you celebrated.

Dear me.

I know

You feel so low

Like you've hit rock bottom

And somehow

You keep falling,

Buried.

But look up.

The light seems

So far away

And it will not

Be easy

To get there,

But just keep pushing

Asd you will experience

Pure joy

For more than

Just a day.

Dear me.

This darkness

Isn't forever.

You don't believe 

You can be

Anything but

The worst things.

But I promise

The people around you

Telling you those are lies

Are telling the truth.

You are so much more

Than what your mind

Is telling you.

Dear me.

You lived

Fo the sake of others.

Now

You live

For the sake

Of helping others

And helping yourself.

You will struggle

But you will fight

And you will win.

Dear me.

Round two

Will come,

But you have

More tools

To arm yourself

Before you come

To hurting yourself

Dear me.

It hurts.

Feeling everything

And nothing

Is overwhelming.

Breathe.

One step

At a time

And you will make it.

I promise you

You'll be ok.

Dear me.

It's only been

Two years

Since you wrote

Your own will.

It was your comfort.

Yes,

You still have it.

Yes,

It is still a comfort.

Yes,

There will be days

You'll want to relapse,

But you won't.

The clock

Will keep ticking

And you

Are still clean.

Dear me.

Hold on

For a little longer.

You will keep

Getting stronger.

You will get

Knocked down

But you will stand

Back up.

Dear me.

Keep going.

Keep breathing.

You'll be ok.

(March 10, 2022)

Russia-Ukraine War: Day Three

The tension built

And still

Is building with 

Every bomb

That is dropped

Every gun

That is shot

Every missile

That is fired

We're already

So tired

And it's only

Day three. 

Barriers are being 

Broken down,

Bridges are being

Blown,

Roads are being

Barricaded,

Are asking

"Is this

The beginning

Of World War III?"

And it's only

Day three.

Chernobyl

Has been captured,

The sky lights 

Like fire,

Blazing with the

Death tolls rising,

Never-ending

Punches rolling,

And none of us

Find this

Surprising.

And it's only

Day three.

A Little More, A Little Less

My mom

Wants to end

The 32-year marriage

With my dad.

She wants

To call

It quits.

Their therapist insisted

"4 more months,"

But I doubt

That'll make

Any difference 

I've seen

The end approaching

Between my parents.

I've been

Watching,

Waiting

For years,

But it's

Finally becoming

A reality.

So I might be

A little more

Off,

A little more

Spacey,

A little more

Drowsy.

A little less

Energy,

A little less

Participation,

A little less

Patience.

I apologize 

In advance. 

As always,

I'll do my best,

But I'm not

Exactly sure

What my "best"

Will look like.

Walking, Convincing, and Cutting Ties. Bye.

 After 30 years,

You walked away

Without a word,

Yet still insisted

On having

The last word.

After 32 years,

You decided

It was over

And it took a therapist

To convince you

4 more months

Before calling it quits.

In every other way,

You cut ties

With us all.

You cut

My lifeline.

If I'm honest,

It was over

A long time ago.

Communication

Went dead,

Boundaries

Were trampled on,

Walls

Were put up.

Trust

Disintegrated.

I don't have

To say goodbye,

But I want to.

I've been better

With you gone.

Bye.

Torn

     How are you doing?

Fine.

   How are you REALLY doing?

Well, not fine.

See,

My daughter came

Out to me as gay

And I love her

And I'm trying to remember

She said she was

Born this way,

But I fear

Others may not

See her

The way I see her

And will not love her

The way I love her.

I see the taunts

The stats

The attacks

The pain

These gay kids face

And I want

To protect her,

But how can I protect her,

When the closet holding her in

Was protecting her more

Than I ever could?

I see the

Suicide rates,

The cut-up wrists,

The depression

From lack

Of acceptance

And it's unacceptable, 

But who am I

To know how to stop this?

I don't want her

To hide

And holding it all

Inside

Was only making her

Cry.

But the slurs

They sling around,

The stones they throw

To get her knocked down

I've heard those stories

And I don't want her name

To be in the next one.

But she has no one.

   But she has you.

Yeah,

I guess that's true, 

But what can I do?

   Stand up for her.

   Say her name 

   Be proud of your daughter.

   Help her fight

   For her rights.

   I know this

   World is TORN

   In oh-so-many directions

   But perhaps we can all agree

   On one direction we must go.

Where?

   Forwards.

   Keep talking.

   This debate will keep evolving

   And people will keep asking.

   Be there.

Be there how?

She's only spoken to me now.

   Be there

   For the discussions

   Like the one we are having.

   Be there

   To speak up

   When she can't.

   Be there

   As the ally

   By her side.

“There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:28)

“…God has shown me that I should not call anyone impure or unclean.” (Acts 10:28)

Three Poems and One Name

Three poems

About a name

I decided

To change

And now the

Process begins

And I'm changed

For the better.

 

It's a relief,

You know.

"A rose by

Any other name

Would smell

As sweet."

 

But this new name

Shows the

Old me,

New me,

Future me,

And I can't wait

To hear

The name

That belongs

To me.

 

 

(1/26/2022)

Just Yesterday

Just yesterday

You were traveling

To and from Germany

As a missionary

Nearly irresponsibly faithful.

 

Just yesterday

I was in my

Pink swimsuit

And we were swimming,

Doing laps

Around your neighborhood pool.

 

Just yesterday

I was helping you

And the mail team

As the mascot,

Packing things for camps

And Christmas,

Celebrating team members'

70th

And 80th

And 90th

Birthdays

With cake.

 

Just yesterday

I learned

"Here's the barn,

Here's the steeple,

Open the doors,

Here are all the people!"

 

Just yesterday

You went on a flight

With fellow veterans

And hearing

"Mail call!"

Made you smile.

 

Just yesterday

You were swimming

And cross-country skiing

As if you were

70 years younger.

 

Just yesterday

You were serving

In the prayer room,

Part of the mail team,

At the GLS

When doctor's orders

Were for you

To sit

But you couldn't

Sit still.

 

Just yesterday

You were

Making calls

To German friends

So loudly,

I had to speak up.

 

Just yesterday

You were

Chopping wood,

Strong as an ox,

When everyone

Around you

Told you

To put the ax down

And rest.

 

Just yesterday

You delivered

My birthday present

To my doorstep

Without your walker

Like the stubborn man

You are.

 

Then

Your heart was

So full,

Your

Heart attacked but

You wouldn't stop

Or slow down.

Helping people

Was hurting you.

You lived

To serve.

 

Today,

I have to say goodbye

For the last time.

•

•

•

The man who had dessert for breakfast and breakfast for dessert,

The man who would play board games with me for hours on end,

The man who would sit me down with Veggie Tales while at the Seeds bookstore,

The man who has served God and others since he was born and did until he died,

The man who had enough faith to move a mountain range,

The man who is rejoicing in Heaven.

My grandpa.

"God loves a cheerful giver." -2 Corinthians 9:7

 

 

(1/8/2022)

An Alternate Path

I don’t know why

It’s such a big deal.

It’s just a different classroom.

My mind is too blurred

To even try

To explore why.

 

Maybe because

Studies show

When you test

In the same environment

You studied,

You better retain

Information.

Obviously not everyone

Can do that.

 

It’s easier to

Stay calm

Stay focused

When I’m with people

I recognize.

Obviously not everyone

Can get that.

 

It’’s a pointless panic,

But I’m panicking

Over maybe nothing

Regardless.

 

Unfamiliarity plus

Feeling unprepared plus

So many finals plus

Drowning in stress plus

Overcome by anxiety plus

I don’t know what.

(6/7/2020)