Rental Emotions

It might not hurt-

At least not physically-

But the pain is worse than physical.

The pain is mental.

It is so subtle. 

After a while,

Emotions become skeletal.

They begin to seem mental

Even when they are said to be essential

But they are a rental

When emotions are no longer

Applicable.

When the rental

Is up and you are with him,

Emotions are despicable

Because all they do is break

When emotions are meant to create.

When the rental is up,

The last emotion faithful

Ends up being hateful.

And in the end?

It all seems wasteful.

August 30, 2017

Waterfall

Mind racing

Paralyzing thoughts

Trapped in my head

Salty water

Flowing

From my eyes

Like a waterfall

Never-ending

Door slams

Left alone

Lost in my thoughts

And drowning in tears.

August 27, 2017

Golden Grass

Golden grass

Swaying in a breeze

Glistens as the sun

Casts an illusion

Grass glows.

Golden grasses

Are revealed

In masses

Glistening,

Swaying,

In a massive

Silent sunset.

Passive,

No one

Pays attention to the

Perfect setting.

August 22, 2017

I Need to Go to Bed

I need to go to bed

Because right now I feel dead

And maybe that'll be my death bed.

Thoughts racing through my head

I can't make them slow down.

August 12, 2017

Tend to Their Tree

Plant a seed

And tend to their tree

Before it becomes a weed.

Give the water,

The soil,

The love

It needs.

Love their tree

No matter

The size,

The shape,

The work

It takes.

Expose it to hate

To create the strength

It will need to become

Unstoppable.

But don't forget

To love it

Before the hate

Makes their tree

Disintegrate

And then it's too late.

August 12, 2017

I Find No Meaning

I find no meaning

Behind these feelings

I feel.

Sometimes they hardly seem real.

I dread almost every meal.

Give myself nearly

No mercy

To heal.

I say it was long ago,

But you don't know

How little I show.

August 4, 2017

The Side You Don't See

I've written

My will.

In case my

Will to live

Hits zero

In case I

Lose all hope

And I'm finally ready

To give up

And give in

And end it

For good.

But you don't get it.

I don't want

To end it.

My will

Is a comfort

And it keeps

Me going.

Yeah,

It's in case

I want to end it,

But it's also in case

I need a reminder

Of all the people

I need to live for

If I can't live

For myself.

I need to read it

And see the people

Who it'd hurt

Before I could bear

To end it.

I can't bear

To hurt them.

I've published

Almost all the poems

I've ever written.

I say "almost"

Because I'm tired

Of the concern

I've been

Reported from

7th grade

To senior year

And I'm tired

Of all of them.

"I will tell you

If I need help"

But still

They don't 

Believe me.

I'm a mandated reporter.

I understand 

It's your duty

And you have

To do it

Even if I tell you

"I'll be there

In ten minutes."

You don't see

The other side

Of these reports

See

They sent me

Into hiding

But you don't see

They leave me

Internalizing

My feelings

Because it's not safe

To tell anyone else

How I feel

Without reporting me.

Without someone

Getting concerned

About me.

So many times

I convince myself

It'd be better if I

Just shut my mouth.

Concern

Would leave

And I'd be left

Alone.

Now,

It's my therapist

And me.

She's helped me more

Than you ever have

Because you don't know

The whole story

And it'd take me

19 years

To get through

It all--

Even longer

If you want

All the details.

If this

Is too much for you

Then stop reading.

No offense taken.

Not everyone

Can handle

My story

And that's ok.

It's heavy.

Like bricks

In a backpack,

You think

You can handle it

But in reality

You have

To put it down.

I get it.

Please

Stop all the

Concern.

It fine to care

But tell me

You care

Not

The concern

Because for me,

That's an added burden

And these bricks

Are heavy enough.

For the next few days,

Bear with me.

I'm going to post

All the ones

I've skipped posting.

People come

And they go

And maybe

I'll regret it later,

But maybe one day,

Someone will

Stumble across it

And reading it

Will help them

As much as

Writing it

Helped me.

Dear Me: 2022

 Dear me.

You lived for graduation.

It's what kept

You going.

It wasn't what you thought

It would look like,

But you made it.

You completed

School number one,

Now you're about

To graduate

From school

Number two

In three

Months.

Dear me.

You heard repeatedly

"Fake it 'till you make it,"

But you always added on

"Just don't break."

But you broke.

But you got fixed up

And kept going

And never gave up

For good.

Dear me.

The struggling

Will not disappear,

But that doesn't mean

You have to.

Look around you.

You feel alone.

I know how

It feels so true,

But I promise you

There are people

To hold onto.

Plans ahead

You never thought

You would make it to.

Achievements made

That haven't even

Crossed your mind,

But you made it

And you did it

And you celebrated.

Dear me.

I know

You feel so low

Like you've hit rock bottom

And somehow

You keep falling,

Buried.

But look up.

The light seems

So far away

And it will not

Be easy

To get there,

But just keep pushing

Asd you will experience

Pure joy

For more than

Just a day.

Dear me.

This darkness

Isn't forever.

You don't believe 

You can be

Anything but

The worst things.

But I promise

The people around you

Telling you those are lies

Are telling the truth.

You are so much more

Than what your mind

Is telling you.

Dear me.

You lived

Fo the sake of others.

Now

You live

For the sake

Of helping others

And helping yourself.

You will struggle

But you will fight

And you will win.

Dear me.

Round two

Will come,

But you have

More tools

To arm yourself

Before you come

To hurting yourself

Dear me.

It hurts.

Feeling everything

And nothing

Is overwhelming.

Breathe.

One step

At a time

And you will make it.

I promise you

You'll be ok.

Dear me.

It's only been

Two years

Since you wrote

Your own will.

It was your comfort.

Yes,

You still have it.

Yes,

It is still a comfort.

Yes,

There will be days

You'll want to relapse,

But you won't.

The clock

Will keep ticking

And you

Are still clean.

Dear me.

Hold on

For a little longer.

You will keep

Getting stronger.

You will get

Knocked down

But you will stand

Back up.

Dear me.

Keep going.

Keep breathing.

You'll be ok.

(March 10, 2022)