Summary

School and sleep
Are my only protectors
From these demons
Inside my mind.

But when I wake,
Thy tell me
I shouldn't even try.
No one would notice
If I skipped
A day or three.

I stare in the mirror
Another person
Staring back.
Emotions fade
Into nothing.
Numb.

They're back.
Dragging me
Down with them,
I can't get
A handle
On them

Screams fill my mind.
I have nowhere to hide.
School is where they slow,
But racing
The rest of the time.

These screams.
They silence
Any voice
Of my own
I may own.

Demons strangle me
Until I'm begging
For mercy.
I can't hide.
I can't cry.
I can't breathe.

They tell me
I shouldn't even try.

Even when
I try to tumble
Off my bed,
Not a muscle moves.

Instead,
The voices get louder,
Insisting I'm
Not good enough
Not strong enough
Not skinny enough
Not smart enough
Not brave enough.
So why try?


1/15/20

Nothing and Everything

It's that moment
When every muscle
Clenches,
Preparing for
What's next.

You choke back
The tears swelling
At the corner of each eye
And fight for them
To stay back
So you don't
Give in
And let them
Drop
  Drop
     Drop.

Each bead
Tumbles down
Each cheek
Into your ear,
Creating a path
For the next pair
To follow.

Soon enough,
You're balling.
The idea
Of covering this up
Is laughable.

You've faked
Being fine
Enough times
You've learned
How to hide.

Stroke the tears away,
Sniffle
Inhale,
Exhale.
You're "fine"
Until that person passes.
Then it starts all over.

I knew
This would come.
Nearly every
Good day,
I think to myself.
"I'll enjoy this
While it lasts."

I knew I'd fall soon,
I just didn't know
How soon
Or how far.

The clock strikes
Midnight.
I should've known.
Cinderella needed
To sleep sooner
To stop
The slips
Into holes
Of depression.

Funny,
Isn't it?
When you are
So hurt and
So depressed yet
So numb.
You can't make
Those beads
Fall.

It's almost worse.
That means
There's no release.

I feel nothing
And everything
And I can't do anything
About it.


1/11/20

I Can't

I'm stranded.

I can't yell

I can't scream

I can't walk

I can't run

I can't escape

My own head

My own thoughts.

I need school to

Come back.

I need consistency

But I need stress-free.

I need a reminder

People care,

But I can't get that

Without the stare

Of homework 

And tests

And stress.

I hate this feeling

Or lack thereof.

I'm numb.

I'm stuck.

I'm paralyzed.

I'm stranded.

1/3/20

There's No Place Like Home

There's no place like home.

Nemo the duck
Rested his beak
On my finger.
Or did he nibble me?

Joining chess.
No one could
Stop me from playing.

Tested for the
Gifted program
For 4th grade.

Sailing high
On the swings,
Praying no one
Would want
To take my place.

Sense of accomplishment from
Climbing the spider dome,
But terrified

To come back down.

Mini Olympics.
Chalk talk,
Hoola hoops
And scooter relays.
Weaving between swings.

Outdoor assembly.
A guy lays on nails,
Demonstrating weight distribution.

Romeo and Juliet
From Ms. Gruber
And Ms. Nelson's classes.

"Tute-a-lute flute"
On the way to Music
To learn the recorder.

Discovering I could
Play nearly any instrument in band,
Sticking with trombone
For a couple months.

Performing "We Are The World"
And a walkthrough
At 5th grade graduation.

There's no place like home.