Winter Break

Head home to family.

Finals are done,

Time to regain some sanity.

Presents under the tree by

A crackling fire,

Stockings dangling above.

Carols at the door,

Bells ringing freely,

Children are angels in snow.

Snow falls as

Candles glow in the dark

I have that Christmas song in my heart.

Group

Group project

Presentation

Group discussion

Project

Group work

Lab partner

Group table

Lab group

Algebra 2

Internal screams

Math is killing me.

Complete the square

Quadratic functions

I am just done with this.

Just run with it

Complete the catch

But I want to murder math.

Anxious Struggling

Trembling

Churning

Hurting

Burning

Learning

Yearning

Bipolar

Blind.

I'm in over my head.

The only thing I can see

In my future

Is my bed.

I'm braindead.

Deaf.

I can't hear what I'm taught.

I'm zoning out.

No motivation.

Just doubt.

Mute.

I can't say a word

And be heard

So I only write

In hopes someone will hear

And tell me everything

Will be alright.

What If?

"What could go wrong?"

My imagination runs away.

But when it does,

It worries it might trip and fall.

It'll have to go to the hospital.

It can't pay for those bills.

The recovery would be so hard

And it would be climbing uphill.

It will find a friend on the journey.

But no one helps in a hurry.

The "what if"s

Cloud my mind

Like a shade

Blocking out the sun.

Stage Fright

Body vibrates as

Eyes glue to my face

Words stumble

Arm shakes

Eyes widen

Short breathes

Tense as I don't

See friends

Lip quivers

As tears pool

Suddenly drip

Wipe it away

It will be okay

Just fake it

Till you make it

But don't break

Feeling Different

I can't write about how I feel

Because I don't feel a thing.

No, wait.

That's not true.

I feel

Panic.

Anxiety.

Guilt.

Shame.

Tired.

Weak.

The world is no longer

On my shoulders,

But now on my chest.

It's a fight to take each breath.

To take each step.

To comprehend each word. 

It's a nightmare to pick up a pencil.

To write a word down.

To do a math problem.

To write a sentence.

To care so much

I can't care at all,

I want to be normal,

But I know I can't.

I can't function

Like anyone else.

I can't pretend anymore

Like everyone else.

I can't pretend I have it together

Like everyone else.

Who Knew?

Who knew

A pill could cause me

To fall apart so quickly?

I'm an avalanche,

Falling into depression.

I'm drenched with acid,

Deteriorating.

I'm an art line

Evening out

Rainbow

I'm something beautiful

Caused by something so sad.

I'm on the top of the world

Where everything is clear

And beautiful

And good

And hopeful

And inspiring.

But then I slide

Right back down

With no reason behind it.

Nothing to hold on to.

Nothing to feel normal

For just a little bit longer.

Only one extreme

To the next.

I drag my feet

Back to where I started.

I'll try not to

Fall apart this time.

But if I do,

I'll just do what I always do.

I'll pick out my mask

With bright eyes

And a warm smile

Meticulously positioned.

I'll keep walking

And force my head up

And drag my feet

To the beginning of that rainbow.

I'll clamber my way back up,

Exhausted,

Wondering "What's the point?"

I'm tired.

Unmotivated.

Weak.

Anxious.

But I make it to the top.

I take my mask off,

Toss it down the rainbow,

And rest.

But it's not the end

As I anticipate the next fall.

It's an endless cycle

I have to repeat.

I have no choice.

Flood

My head is flooding

With words and emotions

You could never understand.

I stare off into everything blank.

My body sank.

I'm drowning in stress,

Drowning in depression.

But I made a promise.

A promise to keep fighting.

But I grow weary.

I grow weak.

The pressure takes hold of me.

I can't think.

I can only blink

As my mind goes blank

When it's time to learn.

There's no escape.

I'm falling apart,

Crumbling,

Struggling to pick up the pieces.

I need a blank slate.

Now I'm the only one I hate.

Tears drip down my face

Quickly wipe them away.

I'm just the crybaby anyway.

No one can see me

Or the way I feel.

Left Behind

You tell me

To ask you for help,

But every time I try,

I feel like I'm left on the shelf

To collect dust.

I'd love to work

On it in my free time,

But I've heard I

Have other homework

And I need to eat.

I just panic and

I can't control it.

I'm so behind

No matter how much I climb.

I want to exit into summer,

But I can't.

I'm left behind,

Hiding my crying,

Pretending I'm fine,

Pretending

I'm understanding.

Magic

It's magic.

Being outside

After being crammed

Into a 4-walled room.

Panic

Is replaced with

With stillness.

Screaming students

Are replaced with

Chirping birds.

Panic is replaced with

Rustling leaves,

Dancing in the breeze.

Reported Again

Being reported for something

You're already being treated for.

It doesn't seem to go away.

It always seems to stay.

Years go by,

But it

Doesn't say goodbye to me.

Why won't it ever leave me?

I sigh

I cry

I lie

And say I'm fine

Because one day I hope

It won't be a lie.

When ADD and Anxiety Collide

I'm trying.

Trying to focus

To think

To breathe

To work

But I can't.

My head spins

Jumbles up all

I was going to write

My breaths stop

My heart stops yet races

And I just can't think

I just can't breathe

I just can't.

I want to be normal.

To focus and not sink

To breathe and not feel rushed

To feel like I'm good enough

But I can't.

I'm not normal.

It'd be so easy to be normal.

To focus and control distraction.

To work and not panic.

To think and not have jumbled thoughts.

Why can't I just be normal?

I can't focus

It's like locusts

Jumping through my head

Jumbling up my focus

My words

My sanity.

I'm tired of being distracted

But I can't help it.

It's out of my control

And the blame is put on me.

I can't stop.

Anxiety

I can't breathe.

Waves of anxiety

Crash over me

Dragging me out to sea.

I can't see.

The rolling waves

Cloud my vision.

I can't make a decision.

Nothing is clear.

Which way is up

Which way is down

I can not tell.

It's like a prison cell.

No one can hear.

I'm told to speak louder,

But my screams are drowned out

By the crashing of waves.

This is my mind every day.

Everything I'm too afraid to say.

My mind on constant replay

Of what went wrong each day.

From the moment I wake up,

There is no delay.

"I can do all things through

Christ who strengthens me."

But some days I can't see

The blazing light in front of me.

I can't see His eyes in front of me.

Enough is Enough

Work together and

Vote for those

Who will represent us.

Protect us.

Listen to us.

Not go against us.

Our voices deserve

To be heard.

Enough is enough

Protect and serve.

No one else

Needs to get hurt. 

When a minor protests,

They are not just a kid.

They are the future.

A future trying

To save lives.

No one else dies.

No more cries.

No more empty

Promises of action.

Something needs

To get done.

Open their eyes

To hear their

Peoples' cries.

They are not lies.

Not fake news.

How many more

Have to die?

Safe

I want to do something,

But I don't hear a thing

About what I can do.

Seventeen minutes outside.

That's a start.

But that doesn't make

Those closed off to opinion

Hear any better.

Lives are lost.

Friends,

Family,

Gone.

We are doing some things,

But how many in power are listening?

Are we debating with a wall

Or breaking through?

Schools are a place to learn,

Music festivals to have fun,

Gay nightclubs to be who you are,

Churches to worship.

No one should live in fear

Of getting hurt.

I want to do more,

But where can I start?

To Be Authentic

To be authentic

You have to be vulnerable.

To be vulnerable

You have to be trusting.

To be trusting

You have to give up time.

To give up time

You have to sacrifice.

To sacrifice

You have to care.

Key to My Heart

Tell him where the key is,
He won't use it.
Tell him to come in anytime,
He'll wait on the doorstep.
Slam the door in his face,
He'll keep knocking.
Open the door,
He'll come in.

Van Gogh

There is something extraordinary

In the ordinary.

Something beautiful

Comes out of struggle.

There is vibrant color

In darkness.

Sanity is present

In madness.

Small things

Are significant.

There is success

In failure.

There is wonder

In the simple.

Ending a life

Ends the masterpiece

That is a person.

Finals Week

A weekend

A rehearsal

A concert

A test

A review guide

A final

An end of sanity

A beginning of winter break.

My Daughter

My daughter, my daughter,

I will hold you close.

I will show you the world.

I will show you the wonder.

My daughter, my daughter,

Go out and explore.

I will still keep an eye on you.

I will still be sure.

My daughter, my daughter,

I lost sight of you.

Your innocence is seemingly gone.

Your loss of innocence is my fault.

My daughter, my daughter,

Come near to me.

I will protect you from the harsh wind.

I will protect you from the evil world.

My daughter, my daughter,

You have returned.

You are not the same.

You have made your name.

Julius Caesar

Arms cocked,

Blades in hand,

Knuckles burning red.

Murder a friend

Once said

To be better dead.

Things Fall Apart (Keep It Together)

Keep.

It.

Together.

Hold the tears of disappointment back

Until eyes are stinging

Then hold on longer.

Keep.

It.

Together.

Grades fall apart.

Students fall apart.

Sanity falls apart.

Keep.

It.

Together.

Pressure builds.

I need to do better.

Give more than my all.

Run myself to exhaustion.

Keep.

It.

Together.

One poor grade

Leads to another.

And another.

And another.

Distress takes the wheel.

Keep.

It.

Together.

Work late.

Get these grades up.

A B+ isn't good enough.

Must go to a good college.

Keep.

It.

Together.

Sacrifice anything

To be successful.

School first.

But somehow

Keep.

It.

Together.