Presentation

Eyes are glued to my burning face.

I'm frozen on the mantle

Open for everyone to stare at.

Shortened breath,

Hands vibrating,

Head spinning,

Eyes wide as the ocean-

I'm stuck for a million years.

I'm living my worst fear.

But when the bell rings

I can inhale once again.

Steady breaths

Fill my lungs

In place of the panic.

Invalidated

"She",

"Her",

"Girl",

Always misgendered.

Told I'm invalid

For not being cisgender.

"Only girl or only boy"

They say.

But I'm sometimes girl

And other times neither.

But that doesn't seem

To matter.

But why do you care?

Love me for me,

Not what you think I should be.

Respect my pronouns,

My identity.

My only wish

Is you not misgender me.

Please accept me

And love me for whomever

I know is me.

If you slip up

That's okay.

Please just apologize

And correct yourself

And then continue on.

I just want to be known

And respected.

Please accept my pronouns

Of they and them

Third Gender

I don't want this poem

To end up as a reason

To bully or harass me.

I just want to share

What most don't see.

At times I'm a girl,

But other times

I'm neither boy nor girl.

I'm genderflux.

I'm invalidated by autocorrect

And invalidated by my parents.

I'm constantly referred to

As a girl

Perfect Poetry Prompt

Pretending to know your

Poetry prompt is a 

Perfectly imperfect way to

Get some inspiration

From reality

Even if thoughts are savagely

Arranged through galaxies

Unseen without strategy-

A masterpiece, allegedly.

Essentially, it's essential

You get the message that'll

Give you the perfect poetry prompt

You need to create a perfect poem.

Choir Through the Years

One

Cry before a concert

Cry at a voice

Quit after a season

Two

Cry before a concert

Cry at a voice

Three

Cry before a concert

Four

Quiver before a concert

Five

Quiver before a concert

Six

Body vibrating,

Audition for a solo

Authentic

Don't hide.

Hiding only

Causes dividing.

Don't believe the lie

That tells you

"It's better to hide."

It'll only make you blind.

Don't escape.

Sometimes you

Need to break

But don't escape.

It's never too late

To not be fake,

To show your face.

Stuck.

It can feel like

Running out of luck,

Sand slipping

Through your fingers,

Thinking it's too tough,

Believing you aren't enough

When you are in the rough.

Take off the mask

And make

The most of what

God created

Because he created you

To be authentic.

Introvert in School

I'm just an introvert in school

Ruled by extroverts.

Loud and proud,

Outgoing,

Heard,

It's everything I wish I was.

Graded participation

Makes me panic

It's no problem for an extrovert

Whose answer is their

Train of thought.

The World Through the Eyes of an Introvert

I'm told to speak,

But then I'm ignored.

Am I wrong

For not speaking

And wrong

For listening

And taking notes

On how the vocal students

Are seen as the better students?

I'm not allowed

To allow

My mind to roam

With no limitation.

I have found

No way of the restoration

Of my creativity.

It's draining you see,

Always talking

No time for thinking,

No time for reading.

There's always a meeting, 

Always group seating,

There's no time for seeding,

No time for weeding

Out these pointless meetings

Which seem unending.

There's no time for breathing

When there are so many I need to be seeing.

So many people speaking

Why can't I just be reading?

Why heed me when you are speaking?

You are leading.

Maybe I need treating

To be normal.

I'm having trouble

Exceeding at pretending

There's an extroverted being in me.

Silenced,

Underestimated,

Meeting judgment,

Misleading,

Misreading me.

That's a lot, you see.

Readers,

Thinkers,

Dreamers,

Believers.

Introverted leaders.

Quietly

Reading,

Seeking,

Dreaming,

Believing,

Leading.

So once in a while,

Please yield to those

Thinking silently.

Pride

Hide among the crowd.

Don't be loud

And proud of

Who you are because

Who you are is

Not the norm.

You are not normal.

It is not normal and

DEFINITELY not

Natural to love him AND her.

It is unacceptable to love

All of them or

None of them.

You can't feel like

You aren't your assigned gender.

You get what you get

You don't mind a bit, right?

Endure the trip

The fall,

The shove into a wall.

The hit

The kick

"Why can't I just be normal

Like the rest of those kids?"

Winter Break

Head home to family.

Finals are done,

Time to regain some sanity.

Presents under the tree by

A crackling fire,

Stockings dangling above.

Carols at the door,

Bells ringing freely,

Children are angels in snow.

Snow falls as

Candles glow in the dark

I have that Christmas song in my heart.

Group

Group project

Presentation

Group discussion

Project

Group work

Lab partner

Group table

Lab group

Algebra 2

Internal screams

Math is killing me.

Complete the square

Quadratic functions

I am just done with this.

Just run with it

Complete the catch

But I want to murder math.

Anxious Struggling

Trembling

Churning

Hurting

Burning

Learning

Yearning

Bipolar

Blind.

I'm in over my head.

The only thing I can see

In my future

Is my bed.

I'm braindead.

Deaf.

I can't hear what I'm taught.

I'm zoning out.

No motivation.

Just doubt.

Mute.

I can't say a word

And be heard

So I only write

In hopes someone will hear

And tell me everything

Will be alright.

What If?

"What could go wrong?"

My imagination runs away.

But when it does,

It worries it might trip and fall.

It'll have to go to the hospital.

It can't pay for those bills.

The recovery would be so hard

And it would be climbing uphill.

It will find a friend on the journey.

But no one helps in a hurry.

The "what if"s

Cloud my mind

Like a shade

Blocking out the sun.

Stage Fright

Body vibrates as

Eyes glue to my face

Words stumble

Arm shakes

Eyes widen

Short breathes

Tense as I don't

See friends

Lip quivers

As tears pool

Suddenly drip

Wipe it away

It will be okay

Just fake it

Till you make it

But don't break

Feeling Different

I can't write about how I feel

Because I don't feel a thing.

No, wait.

That's not true.

I feel

Panic.

Anxiety.

Guilt.

Shame.

Tired.

Weak.

The world is no longer

On my shoulders,

But now on my chest.

It's a fight to take each breath.

To take each step.

To comprehend each word. 

It's a nightmare to pick up a pencil.

To write a word down.

To do a math problem.

To write a sentence.

To care so much

I can't care at all,

I want to be normal,

But I know I can't.

I can't function

Like anyone else.

I can't pretend anymore

Like everyone else.

I can't pretend I have it together

Like everyone else.

Who Knew?

Who knew

A pill could cause me

To fall apart so quickly?

I'm an avalanche,

Falling into depression.

I'm drenched with acid,

Deteriorating.

I'm an art line

Evening out

Rainbow

I'm something beautiful

Caused by something so sad.

I'm on the top of the world

Where everything is clear

And beautiful

And good

And hopeful

And inspiring.

But then I slide

Right back down

With no reason behind it.

Nothing to hold on to.

Nothing to feel normal

For just a little bit longer.

Only one extreme

To the next.

I drag my feet

Back to where I started.

I'll try not to

Fall apart this time.

But if I do,

I'll just do what I always do.

I'll pick out my mask

With bright eyes

And a warm smile

Meticulously positioned.

I'll keep walking

And force my head up

And drag my feet

To the beginning of that rainbow.

I'll clamber my way back up,

Exhausted,

Wondering "What's the point?"

I'm tired.

Unmotivated.

Weak.

Anxious.

But I make it to the top.

I take my mask off,

Toss it down the rainbow,

And rest.

But it's not the end

As I anticipate the next fall.

It's an endless cycle

I have to repeat.

I have no choice.

Flood

My head is flooding

With words and emotions

You could never understand.

I stare off into everything blank.

My body sank.

I'm drowning in stress,

Drowning in depression.

But I made a promise.

A promise to keep fighting.

But I grow weary.

I grow weak.

The pressure takes hold of me.

I can't think.

I can only blink

As my mind goes blank

When it's time to learn.

There's no escape.

I'm falling apart,

Crumbling,

Struggling to pick up the pieces.

I need a blank slate.

Now I'm the only one I hate.

Tears drip down my face

Quickly wipe them away.

I'm just the crybaby anyway.

No one can see me

Or the way I feel.

Left Behind

You tell me

To ask you for help,

But every time I try,

I feel like I'm left on the shelf

To collect dust.

I'd love to work

On it in my free time,

But I've heard I

Have other homework

And I need to eat.

I just panic and

I can't control it.

I'm so behind

No matter how much I climb.

I want to exit into summer,

But I can't.

I'm left behind,

Hiding my crying,

Pretending I'm fine,

Pretending

I'm understanding.

Magic

It's magic.

Being outside

After being crammed

Into a 4-walled room.

Panic

Is replaced with

With stillness.

Screaming students

Are replaced with

Chirping birds.

Panic is replaced with

Rustling leaves,

Dancing in the breeze.

Reported Again

Being reported for something

You're already being treated for.

It doesn't seem to go away.

It always seems to stay.

Years go by,

But it

Doesn't say goodbye to me.

Why won't it ever leave me?

I sigh

I cry

I lie

And say I'm fine

Because one day I hope

It won't be a lie.

When ADD and Anxiety Collide

I'm trying.

Trying to focus

To think

To breathe

To work

But I can't.

My head spins

Jumbles up all

I was going to write

My breaths stop

My heart stops yet races

And I just can't think

I just can't breathe

I just can't.

I want to be normal.

To focus and not sink

To breathe and not feel rushed

To feel like I'm good enough

But I can't.

I'm not normal.

It'd be so easy to be normal.

To focus and control distraction.

To work and not panic.

To think and not have jumbled thoughts.

Why can't I just be normal?

I can't focus

It's like locusts

Jumping through my head

Jumbling up my focus

My words

My sanity.

I'm tired of being distracted

But I can't help it.

It's out of my control

And the blame is put on me.

I can't stop.

Anxiety

I can't breathe.

Waves of anxiety

Crash over me

Dragging me out to sea.

I can't see.

The rolling waves

Cloud my vision.

I can't make a decision.

Nothing is clear.

Which way is up

Which way is down

I can not tell.

It's like a prison cell.

No one can hear.

I'm told to speak louder,

But my screams are drowned out

By the crashing of waves.

This is my mind every day.

Everything I'm too afraid to say.

My mind on constant replay

Of what went wrong each day.

From the moment I wake up,

There is no delay.

"I can do all things through

Christ who strengthens me."

But some days I can't see

The blazing light in front of me.

I can't see His eyes in front of me.