Congregation Disintegration

 I never wrote

About the heartbreak

He caused our church.

About the heartbreak

He caused me.

 

Woman after woman

Came forward and said

"Me too."

It became

Undeniable

They were telling

The truth.

 

He stepped down

As the women came up,

Two of the

Best pastors

Taking his place.

 

Still,

He never apologized

To the women

He caused so

Much pain.

He just...

Disappeared.

 

Then more came.

One pastor felt

Too sick

To teach,

Disgusted

By what his mentor

Had done.

 

A family meeting

Of the congregation

Was called

And it was declared

Two of the

Best pastors

Stepped down

After more allegations

Arose.

They declared

A clean slate.

Start from

Scratch,

Build from the

Bottom up.

 

The elder board resigned

And a new wave

Came in.

A new pastor

Was found,

But

People walked

Away.

 

 

(12/19/2021)

A Cry to Those Who Need to Understand

I started

At 6 weeks.

They made 

Big church

Smaller

But then later

I felt small--

Too small to be heard.

Small group leaders

Have a bit of power,

But not enough

To get higher

On the ladder.

 

I made it to the ladder.

Made my way up,

Still hiding

Who I was

Just in case.

 

But when those

On top

Found out,

I got knocked

Back down.

 

At least one

Who I worked with

Stands behind me.

One who taught me

Stands beside me.

Two who I work with

Have my back

And at least

The top

Can't stop me

From serving.

 

The ones

Who have my back--

The ones

Who make me feel

I belong

Are the ones

I volunteer with.

And I care

About those kids.

I want to

Make it known

I know

Those middle schoolers count.

No more students asking

"What about me?"

 

I don't like

Counting the hours

I serve them.

I volunteer

To do this

Silently,

Standing behind

A camera or

Sitting before

A monitor.

The only reason

I announce it

Is to encourage others

To see

What I see.

 

 

But that's not the point

Of this poem.

 

 

When I

Got knocked down,

I stood

Back up,

And I'm forgiving

The ones

Who caused

This pain,

But I can't

Work under them.

I can't support

A church

Not understanding

Who they're driving away

And why.

And I made clear

My "why".

 

I'm not about to

Say goodbye

To those students

Or the ones

Who have my back,

But only

To the ones

Who turned their back

On me.

I'll stick around

And maybe you'll see

The person

Who is trying

To be patient

And not leave

Is me.

 

It's killing me

To say this

That I'm wanting

To leave

But I can't leave

My family.

 

But right now,

My family

Are the ones

Serving

Beside me.

 

My family

Are the ones

Who see me.

 

My family

Aren't the ones who

Knock me off

The ladder--

The ones who

Turn a blind eye

To my cries.

 

The problem

Isn't rooted

In those leaving

The problem

Isn't rooted

In those teaching

The problem

Is rooted

In the ones

Making the ruling.

 

My faith is strong

That I'm not about

To leave God,

But working

Under you few

Is killing people

Like me.

Some literally.

Not me,

But I'm here

On my knees,

Begging you to please

Don't choose policy

Over God's people.

Please

Don't drive people away.

 

I'm hanging on

But just barely.

The only times

I hold strong

In this building

Is when I'm serving

Those students and

Working with the people

Who see me

When I'm hurting

And get behind me.

Student ministry

Is important to me.

I'm not about to leave them.

 

Those who I have

Worked with--

Who I have

Shared this with--

Support me

And are saying

Something.

They have a voice

Where I don't.

Still,

Nothing

Is changing.

 

I know

Changing takes time.

You won't see it

Overnight

Which is why

I'm sticking around.

 

But for me

To me healthy,

I can't be around

The toxicity.

The people

On stage

Aren't the problem

Directly,

But couldn't they

Say something?

Start to ask questions

Like those lower

Already have been?

 

 

 

This is why

I can't stand

By their side

Unless it's with people

I know

Have my back.

Those people

Are in student ministry.

They aren't 

On main stage.

The aren't

On the board.

At least not

Anymore.

 

 

(12/19/2021) 

With Whom Can I Share This Poem With?

With whom

Can I share

This poem with?

I can

Speak up with

Spoken word,

But I'm not sure

Who will

Do something

Or feel something

If I say it.

Who will be

Too uncomfortable

To listen

To the words I pour

Raw from my

Closed throat?

My reason

For speaking?

I need

To share these.

Poetry

Is my voice,

But who will

Take time

To read?

To listen?

Who would

Do something?

Feel something?

I plead

For them to at least

Feel something,

But I don't know

Who "they" are.

Who will hear

The real me

And my stories?

With whom

Is it worth

Sharing?

(10/12/2021)

Coping But No Calm

CPTSD

Is my reality.

The screaming that never ceases,

The dirt stuck in the creases,

The same scenes

My mind keeps repeating.

"Just focus on your breathing."

But see,

I can't turn out this talent

No matter how much I practice

Before putting into to practice.

I listen to song lyrics,

But they can only do so much

Until they are merely a melody

With no words

No meaning.

(10/12/2021)

The church versus The Church

 At first

I was sad

Which turned to

Furious

Which turned to

Disappointment.

Now

I'm just disappointed.

I called you

My home

For 19 years.

"Love everyone always."

"Welcome everyone always."

"Respect everyone always."

You preached it

From the rooftops

So I believed

You knew

It was true.

You included

The incarcerated,

You included

The homeless,

You included

The hurt,

No exceptions.

If that

Is true,

Why do I feel

None of that

Coming

From you?

It's not coming

From you few

Who represent

The church

And what's true.

I agreed

To what you

Believe.

I guess I didn't

Analyze

The fine print.

But I did this time.

You said

If I don't transition

I can stay.

"It says that

In the statements,"

You say.

No.

Little did I know

Being a bit more

Vulnerable

Would get me

Fired.

At least I know

There's another

In the fire

Standing next to me.

At least

You taught me

The Church

Isn't a building.

The Church

Is the people.

I may attend

The building,

But I do not stand

For what you stand for.

The building

Is not my home.

I declare His arms

As my home

And embrace

Those who

Bring me closer

To Him

Because I see Him

In them.

I may not

Work there

Anymore,

But I attend

Because I know others

In the building

Who see me

And accept me

For who I am

Because they see

In me

What He sees.

I don't

Represent the church

Anymore.

But I will

Represent The Church.

(September 17, 2021)

September 11

 I wasn't there.

I didn't watch

The first plane come,

Ask if it was a mistake,

Just to see

The South Tower hit.

I wasn't there.

I didn't know

About Flight 77

Changing course

And hit

The Pentagon.

I wasn't there.

I didn't listen

To the news

In fear

As I learned

Flight 93

Changed course

To the U.S. Capitol.

I wasn't there.

I didn't hear

The families'

Final calls

To their loved ones

As they didn't know

If they were going to

Live or die

That day.

I wasn't there.

Now I learn

From those

Who were.

(September 11, 2021)

Thy Kingdom Come

 Distance.

No resistance 

Pushing me away

From seeing God

And myself 

A little clearer.

Clearer.

I look in the mirror

And I see someone

I start to recognize.

I realize something

Is greater

Than what I've

Looked at

In the past.

Past.

Bumps and bruises, 

Cuts and scars

Show the darkness

Of before

But not the glimmers

Of light

I have seen

I see He

Will return.

Return.

He is returning.

The God of the world

Is returning.

We're in the last leg

Of forever

To see Him

In Heaven.

Heaven.

The true final

Resting place

Where there is

Peace and

No one

Grows weary

Or weak

No one

Is thirsty

Only hungry

Hungry to serve

Our Lord,

Our King

Jesus Christ!

(August 1, 2021)

Forgive

"The one who is perfect forgave you now you forgive others."

Easier said

Than done.

Cliche,

I know,

But still

It's true--

You don't know

What I've

Been through.

Mother who

Invited me

To die

The eve

Of Jesus' birth. 

Brother who

Calls me

Every version of

"Child"

And "small"

You can think of.

I'm tiny.

With God

That's ok

But with family

I feel I'm

To blame

Every time.

I make myself small

And take blame

For it all

Even when it's not

My fault.

"Life isn't fair."

No kidding.

Nearly every day

I ask myself 

"What did I do

To deserve this?

What did I do wrong?

For what

Do I need to ask

Forgiveness?"

I'm not perfect.

But I know I apologize

And beg for

Forgiveness

Because I do it

All the time

Even for things

I didn't 

Do wrong.

"I'm gonna see a victory."

God has won

The victory

For me.

I've followed Him

Since I

Was a child,

Growing up

In church,

Believing and

Seeing

His miracles

And "Only God"

Moments.

He grows

Within me,

But there are days...

Weeks...

Months...

I feel empty.

I need more fertilizer 

From my Father.

I keep my cup

Pointed up

To be filled

And overflow

But some days

I don't see

I don't feel

Anything come.

What mother says

To her child

"Let's go

Kill ourselves

together"

When her child

Just told her

They are struggling

After the hours

Of parents fighting?

After their mother's 

Suicide attempt

6 weeks before?

What brother

Belittles his sibling

So early and so often

They didn't learn

How to take up

Space?

Space.

Outer space

Is so vast

It extends

Endlessly,

But my arms--

I panic

If they leave

Too far

From the

Side of me.

The Lord is

All-powerful.

Unconditional love,

The shepherd

And the sheep,

The one who

Wipes away

Every tear

With an eternal

Embrace.

Every day

I take it.

Both the

Invisible abuse

And the embrace.

Still,

I end tired.

Panic attack,

Flashback,

Do everything

In 5s

And I can't

Hold back ,

"Distraction-free"

Is a fantasy,

Mood swings

But dragging my feet

Along the

Woodchips.

Giving up control

Has only gotten

Me hurt.

I still give it up

And leave things

At His feet.

And still

I stay small.

Mother,

Brother,

Bent

But can't manage

To extend.

(August 1, 2021)

2 Months

 2 months.

I need

A release

But I can't 

Do anything.

I can write

This poem

But I feel

Nothing

And everything.

I'm tired,

But can't sleep--

No escape

For me.

No trigger warning.

What was

The trigger

For me?

Nearly a month free

From these

Feelings.

I can't go back.

I can't fall back.

Tears well,

But I can't 

Dwell

On the fact

The depression

Is fighting

To come back.

Why Do I Show My Pride

Why do I show

My pride?

Because many can't safely.

They have to

Hide their pride

For their safety.

Why do I show

My pride?

Because 

People are being murdered

For living their truth.

Why do I show

My pride?

Because support--

An ally

Home, 

School

Chosen family--

Saves lives.

Why do I

Show my pride?

To help remember those 49 we lost

5 years ago at Pulse

When our pulses halted

Before racing

And our hearts breaking 

As we heard our siblings

Were murdered.

Why do I

Show my pride?

Because representation--

Demi Lovato

Sam Smith--

Saves lives.

Why do I

Show my pride?

Because I don't want to be

A statistic.

I don't want a candle

To be lit

For me.

Why do I

Show my pride?

These bills

That attack us

Come blow by blow,

Ignoring the glow

From the victims

Already hit

Who give us hope

To fight for justice 

To fight for peace

To fight for

Our rights

Because love is love.

This is why

I show my pride.

(June 13, 2021)

Baptism (March 18, 2018)

"Free"

March 18, 2018

I was submerged 

Under water

Death dissipating

Then rose

Brought to life

Chains broken

Past left behind

"Free"

Sin

Washed clean

Black to white

Darkness to light

My past skin

Shed

Addiction

A thing of the past

But that last

Always seems

To sneak

Back

(May 2, 2021)