Forgive

"The one who is perfect forgave you now you forgive others."

Easier said

Than done.

Cliche,

I know,

But still

It's true--

You don't know

What I've

Been through.

Mother who

Invited me

To die

The eve

Of Jesus' birth. 

Brother who

Calls me

Every version of

"Child"

And "small"

You can think of.

I'm tiny.

With God

That's ok

But with family

I feel I'm

To blame

Every time.

I make myself small

And take blame

For it all

Even when it's not

My fault.

"Life isn't fair."

No kidding.

Nearly every day

I ask myself 

"What did I do

To deserve this?

What did I do wrong?

For what

Do I need to ask

Forgiveness?"

I'm not perfect.

But I know I apologize

And beg for

Forgiveness

Because I do it

All the time

Even for things

I didn't 

Do wrong.

"I'm gonna see a victory."

God has won

The victory

For me.

I've followed Him

Since I

Was a child,

Growing up

In church,

Believing and

Seeing

His miracles

And "Only God"

Moments.

He grows

Within me,

But there are days...

Weeks...

Months...

I feel empty.

I need more fertilizer 

From my Father.

I keep my cup

Pointed up

To be filled

And overflow

But some days

I don't see

I don't feel

Anything come.

What mother says

To her child

"Let's go

Kill ourselves

together"

When her child

Just told her

They are struggling

After the hours

Of parents fighting?

After their mother's 

Suicide attempt

6 weeks before?

What brother

Belittles his sibling

So early and so often

They didn't learn

How to take up

Space?

Space.

Outer space

Is so vast

It extends

Endlessly,

But my arms--

I panic

If they leave

Too far

From the

Side of me.

The Lord is

All-powerful.

Unconditional love,

The shepherd

And the sheep,

The one who

Wipes away

Every tear

With an eternal

Embrace.

Every day

I take it.

Both the

Invisible abuse

And the embrace.

Still,

I end tired.

Panic attack,

Flashback,

Do everything

In 5s

And I can't

Hold back ,

"Distraction-free"

Is a fantasy,

Mood swings

But dragging my feet

Along the

Woodchips.

Giving up control

Has only gotten

Me hurt.

I still give it up

And leave things

At His feet.

And still

I stay small.

Mother,

Brother,

Bent

But can't manage

To extend.

(August 1, 2021)