A

Girlfriend of an army man,

Boyfriend deployed,

She was left alone with thoughts and drinks.

She wanted to give in.

I encouraged her to hold on.

I encouraged her to stay back.

She took a nap.

She put a blade to her skin.

Surface slits.

I told her

"Your best will look different every day and that's ok."

She replied

"I've never thought about it that way."

Three years later,

Wife of an army man.

Two twins on the way.

2016

I was 14 in the US.

She is in Texas.

Fine Line

Walking the fine line,

I tried to help you up,

But you sent me over.

Walking the fine line,

I bumped into you.

I didn't mean to.

You waivered.

You waved fairwell.

Tied Up and Tired

Cracked skull and broken brain.

My head was screaming so loud, but you couldn't hear it.

You can't hear it.

The damage restrains me no matter how much I try to be freed.

I can loosen the ropes, but it takes so much to try.

And that's before I try what I'm assigned.

I'm slowly freeing myself,

But learning how to do it takes so long.

So much energy.

I keep trying even when I'm sleeped deprived,

Making me weaker.

Still tied up, I'm trying to do my to-do,

Determined to get it done,

No matter what rope burns I get.

I'm trying.

Numb and Limp

Limbs limp

I'm an ice cube with no feeling

No temperature

Numb and limp

Pushed off a cliff

Try to remind myself that I'm alive

Numb and limp

Climb back up but I keep slipping,

Forgetting I can recognize where I am

The Future I Want To Know

I know it'll be gone soon

And I hope you see that too.

Thoughts are just thoughts,

Flowing down a river.

There is fear.

There is pain.

But nothing good

Comes from being gone.

I had lost all hope once.

Then, I had only hope.

Now it slips, but my eyes are still fixed

On the future I want to know.

On my future I want to know.

Thank You and Farewell

There when I needed you even though I didn't know you.

Prayed for healing when my brain was bleeding

Spoke with me when I struggled to find words

Patient when I was I was impatient with myself 

A rock to lean on while my world was crumbled

Helped me see hope when hope seemed lost

I'm getting back to baseline, and I'm starting to fly again

I'm starting a new chapter of my life.

May God be with you for yours.

Screaming

Screaming

Screaming

Screaming into the abyss.

Screaming so loudly, you can't hear me.

You won't see me.

You won't hear me.

You can't see me, yet the fault is on me.

Screaming so long, I can't hear me.

Screaming so long, I'm gone.

Square 0

Square 0.

Everyone's busy, so I'll just stay here.

I said something weird, so I'll just stand in the corner.

Someone's distressed, so I'll just stay silent and disappear.

Easy.

Square 1.

My small alarm bell is going off, so I'll go ask for help.

I don't know what's happening to me, but someone can help.

Skills aren't working, but there is help.

Harder. 

Square 0.

False alarm, so I've wasted resources.

Said too much, so I'll shut up and shy away.

It's too complicated, so I shouldn't even bother.

I'm too complicated, so I shouldn't even bother.

I'm too much, so I shouldn't even bother.

Hard.

I'm on my own.

All alone, I've stepped back from Square 1.

Do Not Disturb

They don't say it, but they silently scream

"DO NOT DISTURB."

Then my small alarm bell goes off,

And I disturb.

I try hard at everything,

I tried just about everything,

But maybe I didn't try hard enough.

Maybe I don't try hard enough to

Do not disturb.

Intrusive Thoughts

These Intrusive Thoughts never stop.

The classics.

I need to disappear

I'm a cry baby

I'm a waste

I take up too much space

The contemporary.

I'm unlovable

I ask for help too much

I am too much

One day I'll be gone anyway

These Intrusive Thoughts invade my days.

My nights.

My life.

I'll never see the end until it's the end.

The Great Starvation

 A land of green and growth,

Old habits still die hard.

It's a war to not starve

Even when the famine has died.

Restarting

If someone broke their leg last month,

You don't tell them to go for a jog tomorrow. 

I broke my brain last month,

And I'm being asked to go for a run.

They're asking me for calculus

While I'm still re-learning 1+1.

Too Little Too Late

I've found the key, but it doesn't fit the lock.

I've rattled this cage to make dents and see that as progress,

But I'm just as stuck as when I was born.

Maybe I'm shattered beyond repair.

I've been gluing myself back together,

But maybe there's too little fusing--

Too little for someone to love.

Too different for someone to relate.

Healing means people leaving, which means being left behind.

When they leave, they don't look back.

Faulty Armor

So here we go again.

I don't just use my spoons or lose my spoons,

But you burn them until I'm branded and then toss them aside.

Then you wonder why I can't serve you.

I decide I'm done.

I shape a shield, but I'm a fool pretending I'll let it protect me.

You call me out on my shield, and I come running back.

I'm back to being your servant.

I grow stronger.

I build a better shield, but you're too fast.

You claw at me until I'm bleeding out,

Then, put a bandage on and cradle me.

But I see you.

I grow wiser.

I craft a helmet, but you have a sword.

You slash through me, but claim it's the other guy's sword,

So it's his fault, not yours.

I'm too tired.

I'm back at your feet.

Maybe one day, I can design a suit of armor.

One you can't get through.

One that will let me live.

One that will let me run

And you can't catch me.

Things You May Never See

All the disorders you may never see.

The late to class,

The lots of time, but not enough done,

The "Why do I keep trying?"

But I try so hard, I stay up until I sleep through the sun.

All the history you may never see.

The memories that tear me apart until I'm in smithereens,

But they're smithereens you can't see.

I can't function like a normal human being.

But I try so hard, I stay up until I sleep through the sun.

All the doubts you may never see.

The "It's not good enough."

The "It's all too much."

The "I'll never get it done."

The "It's too late."

But I try so hard, I stay up until I sleep through the sun.

All the patterns you may never see.

The 2s, 5s, and 10s swirling in my brain without an end.

The 2 steps in each square as I walk down The Spine,

Late to class once again

Because I try so hard, I stay up until I sleep through the sun.

All the sensitivities you may never see.

Lights buzz, but no one else hears it,

The leaving tired because of the masking and overstimulation,

But for you, it was just another group conversation.

I'm so tired I go to bed, but still, I sleep through the sun.

All the feelings you may never see.

Too depressed to move even when I want to care,

Or so hypomanic, sleep is rare, words race never-ending the sentence is never-ending my thoughts never-ending I tried so hard never-ending then I sleep through the sun.

You see the shakiness,

But you never saw the years when it was from too few calories -

When any food presented brought tears to my eyes.

You never saw the years when trauma did invisible damage to my brain

Or the years when damage was done to myself by myself.

You never saw the year I teetered over the edge,

But the supernatural being wrapped me in His arms and pulled me from harm.

You never saw the day she invited me to die -

The day I cut ties.

All the things you may never see.

All the damage I had done to myself.

All the battles I've won in years' past.

All the stories here standing in front of you.

But what you do see is the result of the visible invisible damage.

But what you do see is the result of the strength built to get here.

Meet My Maker

I wrote out the danger hours

But I didn't follow the rules and now I pay

Head spins, and the silence screams

And all I wish for is an end.

The end could be sleep

The end could be forever

And which I want is question for later.

Creativity comes down from darkness,

And the outlet for it is not fitting.

Meet-cute

This is not cute

More like I'm ready to meet my maker.

I'll Walk With You Tomorrow

Suicidal thoughts are no walk in the park,

But we walk for suicide prevention.

We want to walk with you.

Keep walking, and we'll be by your side.

I'll walk with you tomorrow.

Already Left

I screamed, but no sound came out.

I thought you left me--

I thought you were gone.

I prayed you weren't, but I had no idea.

I'll See You Tomorrow

 Suicidal thoughts are no walk in the park,

But we walk for suicide prevention.

All I want is for you to walk through that door.

For how long you will, I am not sure.

Every day, I pray I will see you again.

I care about you.

You may think it's a lie,

But I will keep trying no matter how long it takes

For you to believe it.

I pray you will see how much people care.

I scream and cry every time I remember

You tried to take your life.

If you died, I would die inside.

I pray I'll see you tomorrow.

Safe Space/Brave Space

 Not guaranteed safety in a safe space

Tired of being brave in a brave space

I've been brave enough all day,

I don't want to be the one to educate.

I'm already dealing with shit.

I'm dealing with shit,

So the last thing on my mind is telling you "why."

Why I am the way I am,

Who I am,

Why I am who I am

What I am facing

Why I'm not telling you what is really going on.

And I'm left to tell the story over

And over

And over.

I am so tired of being brave

And there is no group I can be in

Where I'm completely safe.

Walked Away

 I came in with wide eyes and an open mind

And by week 2, you tore it apart.

My outlet--

My lifeline--

You stole it all from me,

Left me in smithereens,

But you turned around

And walked away.

Since I Met You

I haven't been the same

Since I met you

I am not the same

Since I met you

I'll never be the same

Since I met you

Wish I'd never met you

Finally Seen

 Finally seen.

My name is mine,

My pronouns are mine.

One surgery, then my body is mine.

Leave dysphoria and embrace euphoria,

I'll finally be seen as me.

Outlet Unplugged

 I-

I lost it.

My main outlet of speaking my feeling.

Criticized for being too literal.

Too choppy.

Too much.

Too little.

Too this.

Too that.

But I'm desperate.

You tried to shape me into what you thought

Was a piece of art.

Instead, I fell apart.

No longer an assignment, 

Months have passed with little to show.

But now, with few resources,

I'm forced to go back to one of my last resorts.

So I write.

I feel sick.

I feel tired.

I feel lost.

I feel alone.

People can swarm me,

But I'll still feel alone.

I'm not allowed to give up.

I can't. 

I don't want to.

I won't.

But these feelings feel too familiar. 

Let them pass by in a river,

But it's more like a waterfall.

That drop.

That's me in an instant.

Once more,

I hear "Fake it till you make it."

"If you fake laughing, you'll feel better."

I don't care about the studies,

I care about my reality.

Time and time again,

Year after year,

I've screamed

"FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT... but just. don't. break."

Laugh as I shed a tear,

But I can hide it behind my smiling.

If I smile, you don't see the details.

You don't want to see the details, do you?

Fake it till you make it,

So I hide the tear behind my mask.

If I mask, you don't see the details.

You don't want to see the details, do you?

Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s Voice

When silence deafens,

Silence becomes betrayal.

Voices are power.