We Came to You

We came to you
As sinners and
You transformed us.
Redeemed us.
Freed us
Because you love us.

He took the broken
And pieced them together
Into a masterpiece.

He gives
Light,
Love,
Comfort,
Healing
To those
Who call out
To Him.

Listen

Why is my brain
Like earbuds tangled
Straight out of
A pocket unorganized?

Distraction like a dog
Hunting down a squirrel
Darting up a tree--
Barking all along the way.

Mood like swings
When we were kids,
But dragging along
The woodchips
Beneath our toes,
Struggling to soar above.

Repetition like a
Broken record,
Broken record,
Broken record,
No record of an end.

Like a tree
Towering over
A crushed flower,
But merely
A memory
Of what trauma
Occurred before.

And anxiety.
I'm an artichoke,
Choking on what I
Need to say,
But can't.

If only they were to
Slow
Down,
Consider my
Different way of
Speaking,
And read
What I can't verbalize.

My voice is found
In the place it takes
Care to look
And consideration
To hear.

My Validated OCD

Another one.
Another diagnosis.
Another validation
That I didn't get before.
I missed one criterion,
So it was invalid.

Now it's confirmed--
A real thing.
Something that exists
In my life
That impacts me
So often.
My validated OCD.

The God Who Loves

The God
Who was there for me
When no one else was.
Who is there for me,
Just a prayer away.

The one who protects.
The one who died for all sins.
No hints
Of disappearance.

He gave a promise
To stay
When He could've easily
Walked away.

This eternal,
Reckless love
Guides in confusion,
Comforts in struggle,
Strengthens in weakness,
Rejoices in successes.

He tossed the ladder aside,
Offered His mighty hand,
And said
"Come to me, my children,
And I will give you rest."

He sacrificed His son
So we could live,
Chains free,
Debt free.

Why walk away
When He could have gone
The same way,
But gave a promise
To stay?

My Promise

I promised myself
I'll eat SOMETHING
For lunch,
Even if it's small.

I need to keep moving.
Keep recovering.
Keep fighting.

Lose my
Longing of control.
I don't have it.
I don't need it.
God has it.
So I know
I'll be okay.

Why I Write

Anxiety multiplies
Beyond my control.
Then it overflows.
The current is too strong
For me to hold my ground.
So I write.
And I'm anchored.

A place where
I should feel safe
And can eat my lunch
In peace.
But then I hear something
That shouldn't be said.

So I run
To pull myself together.
Before the tears stream,
I write
And the tears retreat.

The end of another day.
Crickets cry
And birds fly.
And the sky--
It glows.

No one slows down.
No one stops
To smell the roses.
So I write
And it's captured forever.

Human Water

There's something about rain.

The chaos

And peace.

The resurrection

And destruction.

It's relatable.

it's human.

It's disturbing

And unsettling,

But comforting

And calming.

Crack a Joke, or Crack Me Open?

You make a joke
Miles away from funny.
And you manage to do it
Every day.
It blows me away
And not in a good way.

It pushes me away
Until I run away
To pull myself together.
To fight the tears
Invited because
Of what you said
And I can't handle it.

"How to lose weight
In two seconds.
Take two fingers
Then stick them
Down your throat."

It's not a joke.
How can you
See it as one?
Then I run
To where I can work
And feel safe.

The Dangers of a Blind Eye

Turning a blind eye
To people struggling,
The stigma,
The jokes about
A serious disorder,
Doesn't help
The disorder with the
Highest mortality rate
Of any mental disorder.

They might believe
They aren't "sick enough",
Don't look "sick enough",
Their problem is
"Nothing to worry about."

But they sometimes forget
Counting calories constantly
Isn't normal.
Excercise to exaustion
And then some
Isn't normal.
Praying another pound
Won't be gained
Isn't normal.
Losing control
Isn't normal.

But they don't look
As bad as
The people
In the media,
So their problem
Isn't that bad.
Right?

Favorite foods
Are now the
Forbidden fruit,
Calories the enemy.
Truth are lies and
Lies are truth
Trapped in the mind
Seemingly impossible
To leave behind.

The Myth of the Wishing Well

I fell into a
Wishing well.
Everyone
Wishes me well,
But it gets hard to buy
What they're trying to sell
After a while.

I fell into a
Wishing well.
I can't
Wish myself out.

I fell into a
Wishing well
I can only wait it out--
Wait 'till morning
When I awake
From the nightmare
That is my mind
At night.

I fell into a
Wishing well.
Some days
I'm able to
Be a normal human--
Even feel like one--
Until I lose sight
At night
And then

I fall into the
Wishing well.

Common Sense

She downplays
My struggle.
Says it's "nothing"
But to me
It's something.

She doesn't understand
The pressure
I'm under
The pressure
I pile onto myself

It started as a pebble,
But a month in,
I feel a mountain range
On my chest.

It may not be APUSH,
But the reading
Pushing me to my limits.
It's common sense.

Moving Process

Big change
Brings out the
Best
And the worst
In everyone.

Boxes constantly dragged
And taped,
Talking to one person
But not another
And everyone in the end
Ends up upset.

And I'm tired.
I want to go to bed,
But my room doesn't
Have it yet
And they tell me not to fret,
But all I want is my bed.

And sleep.
And to study for my l
German test.
And Physics test.
And Independent Living
Test.

I'm tired.
But if I rest,
I just know I'll get yelled at.
They just did that.

To top it off,
My friend is depressed
And it's not my responsibility,
But it makes me stressed
Because I was in her
Place once.
But I'm so far away.

Abandoned Friend

I abandoned a friend
Because I was too busy.

Too busy to go on adventures.
Too busy to travel to
Another continent
Without moving an inch.
Too busy to hear stories
Of character's dreams
Coming true.

Can't imagine a better way
To experience years,
Someone else's life,
A wearying journey,
Pages of perseverance,
In merely a few hours.

Packing

Eyes dance around
My empty bedroom walls.
They're blank
Except a pair of
Rainbow curtains
And a few pale bookshelves.
My floor is
Blanketed in boxes,
But my closet has yet
To be cleaned out.

Finally Moving

He answered
My repeated prayer.
"God, please,
Give us this house."

Everything's flipped.
The layout
Of the house.
Turn left as usual,
And you'll run into a wall.

Caring landlord.
One who won't let
A raccoon and squirrels
Make a home in your walls.

Everything is different,
But it'll be the same
In all the best ways.
I pray.

I prayed.
Then God's light came out
From behind the clouds
And it no longer rains,
But my tears of joy pour.

Shut Up

"Shut up."
A contradictory message.
Home I'm told to shut up.
School I'm told to speak up.
Church I was told to speak up,
But now I'm told to shut up.

I never seem to know
When the time is right
To speak
Or be quiet.
When the teacher is talking,
My lips are sealed.
When other people are speaking,
What do I do?

Interrupt,
I'm rude.
Don't interrupt,
And I'm not heard.

Challenge Yourself

"Challenge yourself.
Colleges like to see AP classes."
What if "challenging"
Is a normal level class?

"Challenge yourself."
I already face challenges,
And not always ones
I want to have.

"Challenge yourself."
I learned about empolyment
And what happens
If you're let go
And no job is available.

"Challenge yourself."
At 12 years old
When the government
Took my home.

"Challenge yourself."
Learn how to negotiate,
So you don't have to pay
5 months of rent up front
To potential new landlords.

"Challenge yourself."
Fight anxiety,
ADHD,
And bipolar everyday
Just to get through the day.

"Challenge yourself."
I don't need to take some
AP classes to challenge myself.
Aren't I challenged enough?

Not a Typical English Class

"That question is above
My pay grade."
What's real?
What's more real?
What's the ideal?

Is it a shadow?
Or extensive knowledge
Of the unknown?

Plato's philosophy
Similar to
Christian's theology.

An ideal desk
Is more real than a
3D desk
Is more real than a
2D desk.

Senses unreliable,
Mathematics undeniable.

I'm Surrounded by You

He surrounds
What surrounds me.
Fear.
Stress.
Anxiety.
Struggle.
Depression.

He surrounds me
With arms wide open,
Hand outstretched,
Waiting for me to
Cling onto His
Love,
Grace
Mercy,
Comfort,
Encouragement.

He offers His ability
To create
Unity,
Peace,
Family,
A safe space.

God's Not Dead

He strengthens
In the struggle.
He provides the light
At the end of the tunnel.
He wipes the tears
From fearful eyes,
He provides truth
Amid the lies.
He is higher
Than the skies.
He is deeper
Than the seas.
He is greater
Than mankind.
He has a plan
For what's inside.

This Changes Everything

His life
He heals
He travels
He leads
Good Father

His death
He forgives
He saves
He redeems
Good Father

His resurrection
He frees
He walks
He guides
Good Father

Revealed

Tearstained eyes
Reveal I cried,
But not my cries
Of what I need
What I lost
What I wish I had.

Support,
Sanity,
Confidence.
These are just three.

I'm called to leave
My needs
With the one
Who saved us all.

Because He is greater
Than grief.
Greater
Than life
Greater
Than death.
Greater
Than my greatest
Fears.

A Breath in Text

Typing expresses
What I can't give
In breaths.
What I want to say
But I'm too anxious
Or tired
Mentally or physically
It doesn't matter.
But my text.
It can be louder
Than my voice.
It used to be
Most of the time.
Maybe now it's
Back again.
Maybe it's not
A bad thing.
But the more I type,
I can grow silent.
But I allow my text
To be my breath.

Breath

Zero to
Sixty to
Fifty to
Two hundred.

My body doesn't care
How much I want it.
My lack of
Leftover strength
Wins.

I can push,
But I'll get nowhere.
Instead I'll fall backwards;
No hope of getting
Back on my feet.

My energy was
Already drained.
No point in adding
More strain
To gain
More strength
When that strength
Won't do a thing.

Just some moments
Of quiet
And rest.
It's all I need.

A break from screaming,
Whistles,
And energy
I can't match.

Then instantly,
The old air
I couldn't let go of
Finally can escape.

Then instantly,
My lungs allow
New air
To fill me.

Breath
By
Breath
I can finally breathe.

Breath
By
Breath.
I finally gain energy.

1 Corinthians

Balancing faith
And a part of identity.
"Child of God".
The only identity
That matters.

Too many
Have strayed away
When they face
The struggle
That I face now.

But both parts of me
Are too important
To just give up
And walk away
From the faith I've
Always known.

To walk away
From the God
Who was there for me
When no one else was.
Who is there for me,
Just a prayer away.

The one who protects,
No regrets.
The one who
Died for all sins.
No hints
Of disappearance.

Gave a promise
To stay
When He could've easily
Walked away.

This eternal, reckless love
Guides in my confusion,
Comforts in my struggle,
Strengthens in my weakness,
Rejoices in my success,
No regrets.

No way
I'm giving up this
Because of a temporary
Confliction.
Why walk away
When He chose to stay?

Box of Bricks

Little girl
Pushes a box
Up a hill.
But then he comes.
He adds onto it
Constantly.
Everyday,
A few bricks
Are added.

But then he rests,
Too tired to
Add more.
A break.
But like many breaks,
They come to an end.

He is strong again.
They didn't see it.
They couldn't see it coming.
He towers over
Once more.

He piles a truckload more
Onto the box
They nearly finished
Delicately
Picking one brick up
And placing
To
The
Side.
Getting comfortable again.

But too soon.
And too soon
They tumble down the hill.
So hard to get a grip.

Phone a friend
Or a few.
Because they need
Multiple friends
To help them start to
Consider.
Consider climbing
The hill again.

Change

8th grade.
Endless year.
Compiled of
Hurt,
Heart,
Hospital,
Hatred.

Sophomore year.
Endless year.
Disorder.
Diagnosis.
Flashbacks.
Recovery.
Struggle.
Therapy.

The difference
Between these two years.
Support.
Strength.
Restoration.
Hope.
Faith.
Courage.

Sleepless Nights

Sleepless nights

Pile up

All against them

They hate them

That one person.

Sleepless nights

Were for contemplation.

Nothing against them

Until it was.

Sleepless nights

Robbed them

Of very real dreams.

Or maybe they

Created the problem

And they could dream it away.

Except those

Sleepless nights

Kept those "Zs" away.

How can you dream at night,

When you have sleepless nights?

God, Help Me

"God, help me."
Three little words
No more than
Four letters long.
They have
Power.
Strength.
Surrender.

Sometimes,
They are the difference
Between life
And death.

Between spiritual
Strengthening
And spiritual
Weakening.

"Rescue."
Five letters.
Let Him in,
Nothing is the same.

I Dream a World

I dream a world
With rights for all and
For equality,
For love
And for respect for all.

I dream a world
With no judgement.
Where all humans
Can live in peace
No matter their
Gender,
Sexuality,
Expression.

I dream a world
Where stigma
Is broken.
Where I can share my story
Without fear.

I dream a world
Where everyone
No matter who they are
Is respected and loved
With similarities
And differences alike.

Earthquake

Your words are like

Earthquakes.

Trying to rebuild and a

Shockwave comes to destroy.

You transform me to rubble.

What's the point of rebuilding

If my progress comes

Crashing down?

Every earthquake

And shockwave you create

And still you don't see the

Damage and the

Lives you destroy.

Clothed in Beauty

Hair perfectly 

Falls into place,

She's clothed in beauty.

Our breaths in sync,

I won't even blink.

She's clothed in beauty.

The sparkle in her eyes

Lights up my world.

She's clothed in beauty.

Her humor makes me

Smile every time.

She's clothed in beauty.

A kind and strong heart

Makes my heart melt.

She's clothed in beauty.

This incredible penguin

Is a child of God.

She's clothed in beauty.

Light Show

I lie awake,

Waiting for the

Pitter-patter of rain

To finally come my way.

Instead,

I hear for the rumbling,
Rolling thunder

And instant lighting

To overtake me.

I wait in anticipation

For the next bolt

To strike

Like a child,

Waiting for the sun to rise

On Christmas Day.

No need for Netflix

When the show

Is right in front of me.

I Lost You

I talked to you
For a quarter of the day.
But you still gave up.
Even though I cried,
And begged you to stay,
You didn't.

Nothing mattered
In those hours
Except for your life.
Nothing mattered
In those hours
Except for your choice.

But still,
You let go
And your limp body fell.
You were too far away
For me to catch you.

Screaming so loud you can’t hear me

Screaming in my head

Avoids my mouth

So you can’t hear me.

Trying to force

The sound out

Seems pointless

Because you don't hear me.

Screaming brushing over

Your head

Trying to tell you what I need.

But you won't hear me.

Lightning is Beautiful

Lightning is beautiful

If spotted.

Hear the thunder

resound.

But hear on the news,

Someone lost their life.

Lightning causes destruction

In a flash.

Lightning,

While beautiful,

Is destructive.

And feared.

Luxury

They pretend

They have the luxury

That is true sanity.

But their sanity is partial;

It's free and easy.

True sanity is costly.

It's a never-ending fight

That drive most to madness.

That's where I am now.

Many get halfway

And give up.

"It's too hard!" they say.

So they have a partial luxury-

A half-hearted sanity.

I, on the other hand,

Am fighting to recieve

The luxury

That is true sanity.

Sanity is a Luxury

Sanity is a luxury

I can't afford.

Scanning a room I see

People who can afford

That luxury.

But not me.

They say it's cheap,

But they do not see.

Sanity is a free journey.

I need to find the hidden tree

That is free.

Free from chaos

And filled with the luxury

That is true sanity.

But see partial sanity isn't cheap,

True sanity is free.

But it is a costly journey

To find the luxury

That is true sanity.

Purpose

Tears stream down my cheek

Like a river.

I'm clueless.

Who am I?

What is my purpose?

How does God want to use me?

Golden Fence

What lay beyond that golden fence,

That is forbidden to see?

What could be hidden behind such a fence?

I just want a peek.

Are there

Stories untold?

Where futures unfold?

Just Be Kind

Why can't we just be kind,

And caring?

Nice,

And loving?

Build up

Not break down.

Help up,

Not put down.

Rose

Rose so red

Is deeper than

The Dead Sea.

Thorn so sharp,

Cuts what is

Put to its point.

Flower so beautiful,

Cries unknowing

Its true beauty.

When Will You Believe?

When will you believe

There is a fire in me?

It shines bright.

More than skin deep.

It inspires me to

Make a mark that matters.

Appreciate what I have.

Search for opportunities to help others.

I want to look beyond myself.

Help meet others' needs.

Volunteer to do more.

Not Good Enough

Nothing I do

Is good enough.

I try,

But I can't quite make it.

As I stare at my grade

Of a C,

I see

"Careful!"

"Can't."

"Confused."

I try hard,

But I'll never

Be good enough.

Until

We need to

Believe in ourselves

Before we can

Believe in others.

We can't love others fully

Until we realize how loved we are

And allow God to work through us.

We can't live a meaningful life

Until we give our lives to the 

God who loved us first.

We must remain

In God's love

To love others.

57.14% and 60%

I see my score

On that quiz and

I know I can do better,

How do I show you I can do better?

I know it,

But I can't seem to show it.

Ticking Clock

Ticking clock

Won't stop

Why don't I know this,

I should know this.

Four basic sentences written.

Ticking clock

Won't stop.

Not As Bad

He isn't being as bad,

But that does not mean

I am okay.

The demons in my head

Are taking over every thread

Of my life.

He might not hurt me

But that does not mean

I am okay.

I am my own enemy.

I beat myself over

Every little thing.

I guilt myself into believing

I don't deserve anything.

I convince myself

I am not good enough.

As you can see,

I am not okay.

I'm alive,

But not okay.

But of course,

I will not say a thing.

I can't do therapy again.

I can't be constantly worried about.

I can't handle all the attention.

I don't want the endless talks.

I just need someone

To pour myself out to.

Someone who won't tell a soul a thing.

I just need someone

To support me.

To not fix me.

To just be there for me.

Right now I'm holding back tears.

Tears that sting my eyes.

Tears that will show weakness.

Tears that will beg questions.

Refuse to Believe

I refuse to believe

Pain is caused

Towards oneself

Without someone else

Causing the pain first.

When you look in

The mirror,

And you don't know

Who's looking back.

When you see others

Laughing,

Smiling;

Is it them

Or the same mask?

When you question your own

Worth,

Beliefs.

If you are really loved.

Everyone has their story,

Some more difficult to tell

Than others.

Pain towards oneself

Is triggered by something else.

Or someone else.

Or a memory.

Algebra Two

There is no solution

To the undefined problem

I need to solve.

There is x, y, and z,
But all I can see is an F.
If you subtract "m"
From the equation of "me"

And add "asy",
You get a sum of "easy".

Perhaps you believe I'm being irrational
Or negative.
That they are imaginary.
But, to me,
I have a real number of problems.

I'm Fine

"I'm Fine."

What else could be the

Most often told lie?

Nobody sees the

Tear-stained eyes

Or the cries

That came before

Just asking why me?

So they all assume

"They're fine."

Behind Those Eyes

Your language is joyful

But your eyes blank.

Your ideas are creative,

But your eyes;

They are covered with curtains.

What do you hide

Behind those eyes?

A universe unseen by the world?

An empty pit filled with nothing?

Affirmation

Proud.

Awesome.

Hard worker.

Amazing final product.

Affirmation is foreign to me.

Important yet given as

Rarely as emeralds,

It's priceless

Presentation

Eyes are glued to my burning face.

I'm frozen on the mantle

Open for everyone to stare at.

Shortened breath,

Hands vibrating,

Head spinning,

Eyes wide as the ocean-

I'm stuck for a million years.

I'm living my worst fear.

But when the bell rings

I can inhale once again.

Steady breaths

Fill my lungs

In place of the panic.

Invalidated

"She",

"Her",

"Girl",

Always misgendered.

Told I'm invalid

For not being cisgender.

"Only girl or only boy"

They say.

But I'm sometimes girl

And other times neither.

But that doesn't seem

To matter.

But why do you care?

Love me for me,

Not what you think I should be.

Respect my pronouns,

My identity.

My only wish

Is you not misgender me.

Please accept me

And love me for whomever

I know is me.

If you slip up

That's okay.

Please just apologize

And correct yourself

And then continue on.

I just want to be known

And respected.

Please accept my pronouns

Of they and them

Third Gender

I don't want this poem

To end up as a reason

To bully or harass me.

I just want to share

What most don't see.

At times I'm a girl,

But other times

I'm neither boy nor girl.

I'm genderflux.

I'm invalidated by autocorrect

And invalidated by my parents.

I'm constantly referred to

As a girl

Perfect Poetry Prompt

Pretending to know your

Poetry prompt is a 

Perfectly imperfect way to

Get some inspiration

From reality

Even if thoughts are savagely

Arranged through galaxies

Unseen without strategy-

A masterpiece, allegedly.

Essentially, it's essential

You get the message that'll

Give you the perfect poetry prompt

You need to create a perfect poem.

Choir Through the Years

One

Cry before a concert

Cry at a voice

Quit after a season

Two

Cry before a concert

Cry at a voice

Three

Cry before a concert

Four

Quiver before a concert

Five

Quiver before a concert

Six

Body vibrating,

Audition for a solo

Authentic

Don't hide.

Hiding only

Causes dividing.

Don't believe the lie

That tells you

"It's better to hide."

It'll only make you blind.

Don't escape.

Sometimes you

Need to break

But don't escape.

It's never too late

To not be fake,

To show your face.

Stuck.

It can feel like

Running out of luck,

Sand slipping

Through your fingers,

Thinking it's too tough,

Believing you aren't enough

When you are in the rough.

Take off the mask

And make

The most of what

God created

Because he created you

To be authentic.

Introvert in School

I'm just an introvert in school

Ruled by extroverts.

Loud and proud,

Outgoing,

Heard,

It's everything I wish I was.

Graded participation

Makes me panic

It's no problem for an extrovert

Whose answer is their

Train of thought.

The World Through the Eyes of an Introvert

I'm told to speak,

But then I'm ignored.

Am I wrong

For not speaking

And wrong

For listening

And taking notes

On how the vocal students

Are seen as the better students?

I'm not allowed

To allow

My mind to roam

With no limitation.

I have found

No way of the restoration

Of my creativity.

It's draining you see,

Always talking

No time for thinking,

No time for reading.

There's always a meeting, 

Always group seating,

There's no time for seeding,

No time for weeding

Out these pointless meetings

Which seem unending.

There's no time for breathing

When there are so many I need to be seeing.

So many people speaking

Why can't I just be reading?

Why heed me when you are speaking?

You are leading.

Maybe I need treating

To be normal.

I'm having trouble

Exceeding at pretending

There's an extroverted being in me.

Silenced,

Underestimated,

Meeting judgment,

Misleading,

Misreading me.

That's a lot, you see.

Readers,

Thinkers,

Dreamers,

Believers.

Introverted leaders.

Quietly

Reading,

Seeking,

Dreaming,

Believing,

Leading.

So once in a while,

Please yield to those

Thinking silently.

Pride

Hide among the crowd.

Don't be loud

And proud of

Who you are because

Who you are is

Not the norm.

You are not normal.

It is not normal and

DEFINITELY not

Natural to love him AND her.

It is unacceptable to love

All of them or

None of them.

You can't feel like

You aren't your assigned gender.

You get what you get

You don't mind a bit, right?

Endure the trip

The fall,

The shove into a wall.

The hit

The kick

"Why can't I just be normal

Like the rest of those kids?"

Winter Break

Head home to family.

Finals are done,

Time to regain some sanity.

Presents under the tree by

A crackling fire,

Stockings dangling above.

Carols at the door,

Bells ringing freely,

Children are angels in snow.

Snow falls as

Candles glow in the dark

I have that Christmas song in my heart.

Group

Group project

Presentation

Group discussion

Project

Group work

Lab partner

Group table

Lab group

Algebra 2

Internal screams

Math is killing me.

Complete the square

Quadratic functions

I am just done with this.

Just run with it

Complete the catch

But I want to murder math.

Anxious Struggling

Trembling

Churning

Hurting

Burning

Learning

Yearning

Bipolar

Blind.

I'm in over my head.

The only thing I can see

In my future

Is my bed.

I'm braindead.

Deaf.

I can't hear what I'm taught.

I'm zoning out.

No motivation.

Just doubt.

Mute.

I can't say a word

And be heard

So I only write

In hopes someone will hear

And tell me everything

Will be alright.

What If?

"What could go wrong?"

My imagination runs away.

But when it does,

It worries it might trip and fall.

It'll have to go to the hospital.

It can't pay for those bills.

The recovery would be so hard

And it would be climbing uphill.

It will find a friend on the journey.

But no one helps in a hurry.

The "what if"s

Cloud my mind

Like a shade

Blocking out the sun.

Stage Fright

Body vibrates as

Eyes glue to my face

Words stumble

Arm shakes

Eyes widen

Short breathes

Tense as I don't

See friends

Lip quivers

As tears pool

Suddenly drip

Wipe it away

It will be okay

Just fake it

Till you make it

But don't break

Feeling Different

I can't write about how I feel

Because I don't feel a thing.

No, wait.

That's not true.

I feel

Panic.

Anxiety.

Guilt.

Shame.

Tired.

Weak.

The world is no longer

On my shoulders,

But now on my chest.

It's a fight to take each breath.

To take each step.

To comprehend each word. 

It's a nightmare to pick up a pencil.

To write a word down.

To do a math problem.

To write a sentence.

To care so much

I can't care at all,

I want to be normal,

But I know I can't.

I can't function

Like anyone else.

I can't pretend anymore

Like everyone else.

I can't pretend I have it together

Like everyone else.

Who Knew?

Who knew

A pill could cause me

To fall apart so quickly?

I'm an avalanche,

Falling into depression.

I'm drenched with acid,

Deteriorating.

I'm an art line

Evening out

Rainbow

I'm something beautiful

Caused by something so sad.

I'm on the top of the world

Where everything is clear

And beautiful

And good

And hopeful

And inspiring.

But then I slide

Right back down

With no reason behind it.

Nothing to hold on to.

Nothing to feel normal

For just a little bit longer.

Only one extreme

To the next.

I drag my feet

Back to where I started.

I'll try not to

Fall apart this time.

But if I do,

I'll just do what I always do.

I'll pick out my mask

With bright eyes

And a warm smile

Meticulously positioned.

I'll keep walking

And force my head up

And drag my feet

To the beginning of that rainbow.

I'll clamber my way back up,

Exhausted,

Wondering "What's the point?"

I'm tired.

Unmotivated.

Weak.

Anxious.

But I make it to the top.

I take my mask off,

Toss it down the rainbow,

And rest.

But it's not the end

As I anticipate the next fall.

It's an endless cycle

I have to repeat.

I have no choice.

Flood

My head is flooding

With words and emotions

You could never understand.

I stare off into everything blank.

My body sank.

I'm drowning in stress,

Drowning in depression.

But I made a promise.

A promise to keep fighting.

But I grow weary.

I grow weak.

The pressure takes hold of me.

I can't think.

I can only blink

As my mind goes blank

When it's time to learn.

There's no escape.

I'm falling apart,

Crumbling,

Struggling to pick up the pieces.

I need a blank slate.

Now I'm the only one I hate.

Tears drip down my face

Quickly wipe them away.

I'm just the crybaby anyway.

No one can see me

Or the way I feel.

Left Behind

You tell me

To ask you for help,

But every time I try,

I feel like I'm left on the shelf

To collect dust.

I'd love to work

On it in my free time,

But I've heard I

Have other homework

And I need to eat.

I just panic and

I can't control it.

I'm so behind

No matter how much I climb.

I want to exit into summer,

But I can't.

I'm left behind,

Hiding my crying,

Pretending I'm fine,

Pretending

I'm understanding.

Magic

It's magic.

Being outside

After being crammed

Into a 4-walled room.

Panic

Is replaced with

With stillness.

Screaming students

Are replaced with

Chirping birds.

Panic is replaced with

Rustling leaves,

Dancing in the breeze.

Reported Again

Being reported for something

You're already being treated for.

It doesn't seem to go away.

It always seems to stay.

Years go by,

But it

Doesn't say goodbye to me.

Why won't it ever leave me?

I sigh

I cry

I lie

And say I'm fine

Because one day I hope

It won't be a lie.

When ADD and Anxiety Collide

I'm trying.

Trying to focus

To think

To breathe

To work

But I can't.

My head spins

Jumbles up all

I was going to write

My breaths stop

My heart stops yet races

And I just can't think

I just can't breathe

I just can't.

I want to be normal.

To focus and not sink

To breathe and not feel rushed

To feel like I'm good enough

But I can't.

I'm not normal.

It'd be so easy to be normal.

To focus and control distraction.

To work and not panic.

To think and not have jumbled thoughts.

Why can't I just be normal?

I can't focus

It's like locusts

Jumping through my head

Jumbling up my focus

My words

My sanity.

I'm tired of being distracted

But I can't help it.

It's out of my control

And the blame is put on me.

I can't stop.

Anxiety

I can't breathe.

Waves of anxiety

Crash over me

Dragging me out to sea.

I can't see.

The rolling waves

Cloud my vision.

I can't make a decision.

Nothing is clear.

Which way is up

Which way is down

I can not tell.

It's like a prison cell.

No one can hear.

I'm told to speak louder,

But my screams are drowned out

By the crashing of waves.

This is my mind every day.

Everything I'm too afraid to say.

My mind on constant replay

Of what went wrong each day.

From the moment I wake up,

There is no delay.

"I can do all things through

Christ who strengthens me."

But some days I can't see

The blazing light in front of me.

I can't see His eyes in front of me.

Enough is Enough

Work together and

Vote for those

Who will represent us.

Protect us.

Listen to us.

Not go against us.

Our voices deserve

To be heard.

Enough is enough

Protect and serve.

No one else

Needs to get hurt. 

When a minor protests,

They are not just a kid.

They are the future.

A future trying

To save lives.

No one else dies.

No more cries.

No more empty

Promises of action.

Something needs

To get done.

Open their eyes

To hear their

Peoples' cries.

They are not lies.

Not fake news.

How many more

Have to die?

Safe

I want to do something,

But I don't hear a thing

About what I can do.

Seventeen minutes outside.

That's a start.

But that doesn't make

Those closed off to opinion

Hear any better.

Lives are lost.

Friends,

Family,

Gone.

We are doing some things,

But how many in power are listening?

Are we debating with a wall

Or breaking through?

Schools are a place to learn,

Music festivals to have fun,

Gay nightclubs to be who you are,

Churches to worship.

No one should live in fear

Of getting hurt.

I want to do more,

But where can I start?

To Be Authentic

To be authentic

You have to be vulnerable.

To be vulnerable

You have to be trusting.

To be trusting

You have to give up time.

To give up time

You have to sacrifice.

To sacrifice

You have to care.

Key to My Heart

Tell him where the key is,
He won't use it.
Tell him to come in anytime,
He'll wait on the doorstep.
Slam the door in his face,
He'll keep knocking.
Open the door,
He'll come in.