Screaming so loud you can’t hear me

Screaming in my head

Avoids my mouth

So you can’t hear me.

Trying to force

The sound out

Seems pointless

Because you don't hear me.

Screaming brushing over

Your head

Trying to tell you what I need.

But you won't hear me.

Lightning is Beautiful

Lightning is beautiful

If spotted.

Hear the thunder

resound.

But hear on the news,

Someone lost their life.

Lightning causes destruction

In a flash.

Lightning,

While beautiful,

Is destructive.

And feared.

Luxury

They pretend

They have the luxury

That is true sanity.

But their sanity is partial;

It's free and easy.

True sanity is costly.

It's a never-ending fight

That drive most to madness.

That's where I am now.

Many get halfway

And give up.

"It's too hard!" they say.

So they have a partial luxury-

A half-hearted sanity.

I, on the other hand,

Am fighting to recieve

The luxury

That is true sanity.

Sanity is a Luxury

Sanity is a luxury

I can't afford.

Scanning a room I see

People who can afford

That luxury.

But not me.

They say it's cheap,

But they do not see.

Sanity is a free journey.

I need to find the hidden tree

That is free.

Free from chaos

And filled with the luxury

That is true sanity.

But see partial sanity isn't cheap,

True sanity is free.

But it is a costly journey

To find the luxury

That is true sanity.

Purpose

Tears stream down my cheek

Like a river.

I'm clueless.

Who am I?

What is my purpose?

How does God want to use me?

Golden Fence

What lay beyond that golden fence,

That is forbidden to see?

What could be hidden behind such a fence?

I just want a peek.

Are there

Stories untold?

Where futures unfold?

Just Be Kind

Why can't we just be kind,

And caring?

Nice,

And loving?

Build up

Not break down.

Help up,

Not put down.

Rose

Rose so red

Is deeper than

The Dead Sea.

Thorn so sharp,

Cuts what is

Put to its point.

Flower so beautiful,

Cries unknowing

Its true beauty.

When Will You Believe?

When will you believe

There is a fire in me?

It shines bright.

More than skin deep.

It inspires me to

Make a mark that matters.

Appreciate what I have.

Search for opportunities to help others.

I want to look beyond myself.

Help meet others' needs.

Volunteer to do more.

Not Good Enough

Nothing I do

Is good enough.

I try,

But I can't quite make it.

As I stare at my grade

Of a C,

I see

"Careful!"

"Can't."

"Confused."

I try hard,

But I'll never

Be good enough.

Until

We need to

Believe in ourselves

Before we can

Believe in others.

We can't love others fully

Until we realize how loved we are

And allow God to work through us.

We can't live a meaningful life

Until we give our lives to the 

God who loved us first.

We must remain

In God's love

To love others.

57.14% and 60%

I see my score

On that quiz and

I know I can do better,

How do I show you I can do better?

I know it,

But I can't seem to show it.

Ticking Clock

Ticking clock

Won't stop

Why don't I know this,

I should know this.

Four basic sentences written.

Ticking clock

Won't stop.

Not As Bad

He isn't being as bad,

But that does not mean

I am okay.

The demons in my head

Are taking over every thread

Of my life.

He might not hurt me

But that does not mean

I am okay.

I am my own enemy.

I beat myself over

Every little thing.

I guilt myself into believing

I don't deserve anything.

I convince myself

I am not good enough.

As you can see,

I am not okay.

I'm alive,

But not okay.

But of course,

I will not say a thing.

I can't do therapy again.

I can't be constantly worried about.

I can't handle all the attention.

I don't want the endless talks.

I just need someone

To pour myself out to.

Someone who won't tell a soul a thing.

I just need someone

To support me.

To not fix me.

To just be there for me.

Right now I'm holding back tears.

Tears that sting my eyes.

Tears that will show weakness.

Tears that will beg questions.

Refuse to Believe

I refuse to believe

Pain is caused

Towards oneself

Without someone else

Causing the pain first.

When you look in

The mirror,

And you don't know

Who's looking back.

When you see others

Laughing,

Smiling;

Is it them

Or the same mask?

When you question your own

Worth,

Beliefs.

If you are really loved.

Everyone has their story,

Some more difficult to tell

Than others.

Pain towards oneself

Is triggered by something else.

Or someone else.

Or a memory.

Algebra Two

There is no solution

To the undefined problem

I need to solve.

There is x, y, and z,
But all I can see is an F.
If you subtract "m"
From the equation of "me"

And add "asy",
You get a sum of "easy".

Perhaps you believe I'm being irrational
Or negative.
That they are imaginary.
But, to me,
I have a real number of problems.

I'm Fine

"I'm Fine."

What else could be the

Most often told lie?

Nobody sees the

Tear-stained eyes

Or the cries

That came before

Just asking why me?

So they all assume

"They're fine."

Behind Those Eyes

Your language is joyful

But your eyes blank.

Your ideas are creative,

But your eyes;

They are covered with curtains.

What do you hide

Behind those eyes?

A universe unseen by the world?

An empty pit filled with nothing?

Affirmation

Proud.

Awesome.

Hard worker.

Amazing final product.

Affirmation is foreign to me.

Important yet given as

Rarely as emeralds,

It's priceless

Presentation

Eyes are glued to my burning face.

I'm frozen on the mantle

Open for everyone to stare at.

Shortened breath,

Hands vibrating,

Head spinning,

Eyes wide as the ocean-

I'm stuck for a million years.

I'm living my worst fear.

But when the bell rings

I can inhale once again.

Steady breaths

Fill my lungs

In place of the panic.

Invalidated

"She",

"Her",

"Girl",

Always misgendered.

Told I'm invalid

For not being cisgender.

"Only girl or only boy"

They say.

But I'm sometimes girl

And other times neither.

But that doesn't seem

To matter.

But why do you care?

Love me for me,

Not what you think I should be.

Respect my pronouns,

My identity.

My only wish

Is you not misgender me.

Please accept me

And love me for whomever

I know is me.

If you slip up

That's okay.

Please just apologize

And correct yourself

And then continue on.

I just want to be known

And respected.

Please accept my pronouns

Of they and them

Third Gender

I don't want this poem

To end up as a reason

To bully or harass me.

I just want to share

What most don't see.

At times I'm a girl,

But other times

I'm neither boy nor girl.

I'm genderflux.

I'm invalidated by autocorrect

And invalidated by my parents.

I'm constantly referred to

As a girl

Perfect Poetry Prompt

Pretending to know your

Poetry prompt is a 

Perfectly imperfect way to

Get some inspiration

From reality

Even if thoughts are savagely

Arranged through galaxies

Unseen without strategy-

A masterpiece, allegedly.

Essentially, it's essential

You get the message that'll

Give you the perfect poetry prompt

You need to create a perfect poem.

Choir Through the Years

One

Cry before a concert

Cry at a voice

Quit after a season

Two

Cry before a concert

Cry at a voice

Three

Cry before a concert

Four

Quiver before a concert

Five

Quiver before a concert

Six

Body vibrating,

Audition for a solo

Authentic

Don't hide.

Hiding only

Causes dividing.

Don't believe the lie

That tells you

"It's better to hide."

It'll only make you blind.

Don't escape.

Sometimes you

Need to break

But don't escape.

It's never too late

To not be fake,

To show your face.

Stuck.

It can feel like

Running out of luck,

Sand slipping

Through your fingers,

Thinking it's too tough,

Believing you aren't enough

When you are in the rough.

Take off the mask

And make

The most of what

God created

Because he created you

To be authentic.

Introvert in School

I'm just an introvert in school

Ruled by extroverts.

Loud and proud,

Outgoing,

Heard,

It's everything I wish I was.

Graded participation

Makes me panic

It's no problem for an extrovert

Whose answer is their

Train of thought.

The World Through the Eyes of an Introvert

I'm told to speak,

But then I'm ignored.

Am I wrong

For not speaking

And wrong

For listening

And taking notes

On how the vocal students

Are seen as the better students?

I'm not allowed

To allow

My mind to roam

With no limitation.

I have found

No way of the restoration

Of my creativity.

It's draining you see,

Always talking

No time for thinking,

No time for reading.

There's always a meeting, 

Always group seating,

There's no time for seeding,

No time for weeding

Out these pointless meetings

Which seem unending.

There's no time for breathing

When there are so many I need to be seeing.

So many people speaking

Why can't I just be reading?

Why heed me when you are speaking?

You are leading.

Maybe I need treating

To be normal.

I'm having trouble

Exceeding at pretending

There's an extroverted being in me.

Silenced,

Underestimated,

Meeting judgment,

Misleading,

Misreading me.

That's a lot, you see.

Readers,

Thinkers,

Dreamers,

Believers.

Introverted leaders.

Quietly

Reading,

Seeking,

Dreaming,

Believing,

Leading.

So once in a while,

Please yield to those

Thinking silently.

Pride

Hide among the crowd.

Don't be loud

And proud of

Who you are because

Who you are is

Not the norm.

You are not normal.

It is not normal and

DEFINITELY not

Natural to love him AND her.

It is unacceptable to love

All of them or

None of them.

You can't feel like

You aren't your assigned gender.

You get what you get

You don't mind a bit, right?

Endure the trip

The fall,

The shove into a wall.

The hit

The kick

"Why can't I just be normal

Like the rest of those kids?"

Winter Break

Head home to family.

Finals are done,

Time to regain some sanity.

Presents under the tree by

A crackling fire,

Stockings dangling above.

Carols at the door,

Bells ringing freely,

Children are angels in snow.

Snow falls as

Candles glow in the dark

I have that Christmas song in my heart.

Group

Group project

Presentation

Group discussion

Project

Group work

Lab partner

Group table

Lab group

Algebra 2

Internal screams

Math is killing me.

Complete the square

Quadratic functions

I am just done with this.

Just run with it

Complete the catch

But I want to murder math.

Anxious Struggling

Trembling

Churning

Hurting

Burning

Learning

Yearning

Bipolar

Blind.

I'm in over my head.

The only thing I can see

In my future

Is my bed.

I'm braindead.

Deaf.

I can't hear what I'm taught.

I'm zoning out.

No motivation.

Just doubt.

Mute.

I can't say a word

And be heard

So I only write

In hopes someone will hear

And tell me everything

Will be alright.

What If?

"What could go wrong?"

My imagination runs away.

But when it does,

It worries it might trip and fall.

It'll have to go to the hospital.

It can't pay for those bills.

The recovery would be so hard

And it would be climbing uphill.

It will find a friend on the journey.

But no one helps in a hurry.

The "what if"s

Cloud my mind

Like a shade

Blocking out the sun.

Stage Fright

Body vibrates as

Eyes glue to my face

Words stumble

Arm shakes

Eyes widen

Short breathes

Tense as I don't

See friends

Lip quivers

As tears pool

Suddenly drip

Wipe it away

It will be okay

Just fake it

Till you make it

But don't break

Feeling Different

I can't write about how I feel

Because I don't feel a thing.

No, wait.

That's not true.

I feel

Panic.

Anxiety.

Guilt.

Shame.

Tired.

Weak.

The world is no longer

On my shoulders,

But now on my chest.

It's a fight to take each breath.

To take each step.

To comprehend each word. 

It's a nightmare to pick up a pencil.

To write a word down.

To do a math problem.

To write a sentence.

To care so much

I can't care at all,

I want to be normal,

But I know I can't.

I can't function

Like anyone else.

I can't pretend anymore

Like everyone else.

I can't pretend I have it together

Like everyone else.

Who Knew?

Who knew

A pill could cause me

To fall apart so quickly?

I'm an avalanche,

Falling into depression.

I'm drenched with acid,

Deteriorating.

I'm an art line

Evening out

Rainbow

I'm something beautiful

Caused by something so sad.

I'm on the top of the world

Where everything is clear

And beautiful

And good

And hopeful

And inspiring.

But then I slide

Right back down

With no reason behind it.

Nothing to hold on to.

Nothing to feel normal

For just a little bit longer.

Only one extreme

To the next.

I drag my feet

Back to where I started.

I'll try not to

Fall apart this time.

But if I do,

I'll just do what I always do.

I'll pick out my mask

With bright eyes

And a warm smile

Meticulously positioned.

I'll keep walking

And force my head up

And drag my feet

To the beginning of that rainbow.

I'll clamber my way back up,

Exhausted,

Wondering "What's the point?"

I'm tired.

Unmotivated.

Weak.

Anxious.

But I make it to the top.

I take my mask off,

Toss it down the rainbow,

And rest.

But it's not the end

As I anticipate the next fall.

It's an endless cycle

I have to repeat.

I have no choice.

Flood

My head is flooding

With words and emotions

You could never understand.

I stare off into everything blank.

My body sank.

I'm drowning in stress,

Drowning in depression.

But I made a promise.

A promise to keep fighting.

But I grow weary.

I grow weak.

The pressure takes hold of me.

I can't think.

I can only blink

As my mind goes blank

When it's time to learn.

There's no escape.

I'm falling apart,

Crumbling,

Struggling to pick up the pieces.

I need a blank slate.

Now I'm the only one I hate.

Tears drip down my face

Quickly wipe them away.

I'm just the crybaby anyway.

No one can see me

Or the way I feel.

Left Behind

You tell me

To ask you for help,

But every time I try,

I feel like I'm left on the shelf

To collect dust.

I'd love to work

On it in my free time,

But I've heard I

Have other homework

And I need to eat.

I just panic and

I can't control it.

I'm so behind

No matter how much I climb.

I want to exit into summer,

But I can't.

I'm left behind,

Hiding my crying,

Pretending I'm fine,

Pretending

I'm understanding.

Magic

It's magic.

Being outside

After being crammed

Into a 4-walled room.

Panic

Is replaced with

With stillness.

Screaming students

Are replaced with

Chirping birds.

Panic is replaced with

Rustling leaves,

Dancing in the breeze.