LGBTQ+ Diversity Essay

Our allies

Are essential.

I can't write this

In an essay

Because an essay

Doesn't do it justice.

Cliche here,

Cliche there,

Words scrambled

On a page

My mind can't sort.

Thoughts blown

By gusts of wind,

Never to be seen again.

But this essay

Is essential.

But reflecting on your reflection

Is not as simple

As it may sound.

An essay whispers,

But poetry screams.

The importance

Of allies,

The importance

Of companionship,

The importance

Of support--

Poetry never lies.

Words die

If the ink doesn't dry

In time for the due date.

Otherwise,

It's too late.

Your Words

Your words

Are thorns

Piercing my flesh.

Your actions

Are scars.

Memories never gone.

Your anger

Is a flame.

Scorching my mind.

Dry Mouth

I repeat words

And phrases

Ceaselessly.

Perhaps because

Everything original

Got shot down

Efficiently

The expansive words

Flood my mind,

Begging to burst,

But no one would bother to listen

To little ol' me.

Voices

 Your voice echoes

In my head.

It never goes.

Why do you break me?

I take every hit

You throw.

I take every wound

You cause me.

My heart is scarred.

My heart is shattered.

My heart is breaking.

My heart is caving.

Tell me what love

Feels like

For the love I feel

Is fake.

Mixed-Up Numbers and Letters

They say

"Your problem

Isn't permanent,"

But you don't know me.

You don't know

My wars.

You don't know

What has shaken me

To my core.

You don't know

How I keep score.

You don't know me.

Some days are better than others.

But on those rocky days

When I can't catch a breath,

I can only pray

That I might get some rest.

See,

I've been good for a while now,

My smile is for real now,

I'm excited for new days now.

But you don't see,

I'm terrified of falling again,

I'm petrified of breaking down again,

I'm a shaking leaf,

Preparing for something to go wrong again.

Even now,My anxiety has taken control.

I can't figure out how to let it go

And I pray and I don't hear an answer.

They say

"The teacher is quiet during the test,"

But what they don't mention is

You can be ready to give up

And it still feels like He doesn't hear you.

God,

I've been begging for years

And I'm thankful

I'm still alive and here,

But I've been breaking down recently

And you're the only one

Who has the glue to fix me.

God,

I really need answers.

I know You're the light,

But I ask You shed some light

On what everyone

Can't seem to see.

God, what is wrong with me?

I've been right about every diagnosis so far,

Can I be right about this one, too?

I need to have a name.

I need explanations

For all these questions

Swirling in my brain.

Please.

They're begging to be answered.

I cry,

But I hear no answer.

They blame it on the ADHD

And I can see that with my speed,

But that doesn't explain why

I can't do basic math

Or remember basic facts.

I don't care

That I completed college math.

The accommodations kept me

From getting a D on every test,

But people just see that I completed it.

They didn't see

The step ladder I needed

To reach it.

They say I won't need

Much more math,

But I refuse to believe

That that's true.

Just say I have Dyscalculia

So I can have my

Formula card

And my calculator

And then I can succeed

In any subject I choose.

God,

Please let me be right.

I need to know why

I struggle with math so much.

I need to know why

I switch my German words up so much.

I need to know why

I see everyone around me thrive,

But I still don't know eight plus five.

Tell me why I can't remember word order.

Tell me why I've struggled in German

For the last seven years.

Tell me why everyone gets the hang of it

Except me.

"Nominative"

"Dative"

"Accusative"

Everything a language is based on

And I don't know what they mean.

It's been explained a million times,

But when it comes to doing it,

Forget it.

I don't know word order

And I question why I continue--

Why I even try anymore.

Maybe because I've struggled

Too much

To give up now.

 

I only want to be fluent

And that seems to be

Too much to ask.

God,

I'm asking for help.

I need to know

Why I scream at my

Math and German homework,

But I still miraculously succeed

And that's all anyone sees.

CPTSD in the Sea

Ice glazed over the vast sea below

That is the panic that is my past.

Each time someone takes a step,

Assuming solid ground,

The ice creaks like a rusty gate.

Immediately my heart races,

But I'm paralyzed.

I'm aphasic,

Typically asymptomatic.

If the ice snaps there,

The ice snaps here.

If the ice snaps here,

I plunge in,

Swallowed,

Engulfed in the ever-changing water,

Drowning.

My head may pop up like a bobber,

Gasping for air,

But it won't take long

Before the current yanks me back down

For another play-date with my demons.

Shack

There's so much shame.

I'm in a shack

With no way out.

There's a latch

On the door,

But what's the catch?

I bash into it,

Gasping,

Pleading for a way out

But no one is dashing

In my direction

Though I'm screaming for help,

But this shack?

It's soundproof.

I'm trapped.

Stuck in my own little world,

Door closed,

No open windows

Nurture the Garden of Graduation

Graduation is bittersweet
Like a rose
But rain pounds
On each petal
And each petal
Blows in gusts of wind
Down the walk and into
The next student's year

Graduation is bittersweet
Like a tree
Planting its seeds
To start a new beginning
Leaving the familiar behind
But new adventures ahead

Burnout

Everything being cancelled

And I'm pretending to be fine?

What a fool am I?

They say

Ignorance is bliss

But I try to

Block out the news 

And all that comes

Are doubts

And worries

And stress

And tears

And I don't know

If I can take

Much more

But somehow

Hearing it

Is almost worse.

The darkness seems

To flood out the light

Until I can barely see

The hands in front of me.

They say to

Just smile

And everything

Will be brighter.

But when I try,

My heart breaks a bit more,

Knowing that smile

Couldn't be more fake.

I try to be

A beacon of light,

Of hope,

Of joy,

But honestly?

That bulb

Is burning out.

I'm Not Lazy

I'm not lazy.

I'm tired.

I'm terrified

Of being wrong.

It's irrational,

I know.

I don't know why

I'm so scared

To be wrong.

Is a panic attack

Being lazy?

It's exhausting.

I'm trying to recover. 

I'm not trying

To be lazy.

I don't think

I'm being lazy.

I can't find the answer

And my brain

Refuses to work.

I know you're not

Talking about me,

But me being me,

I can't help

But take the hit

Even when the hit

Isn't meant for me.

Why We Need Allies

The nooks

Of the internet

And smallest

Of hallways

Are flooded

With hate.

Are flooded

With homophobia.

With transphobia.

I was blessed

To be sheltered

At the beginning

Of finding myself.

I was blessed

To not come across it

While I was unsure.

Not everyone

Gets that blessing.

In those nooks

And those halls,

In that darkness,

We need some light.

That light

Comes in the form

Of an ally.

Everyone’s nook

And everyone’s hallway

Looks a little different.

There’s a hallway

For LGBTQ+,

There’s a nook

For people of color,

There’s a hallway

For speakers of different languages,

There’s a nook

For every reason

A person might seem different.

Those nooks

And hallways

Are petrifying.

They can be dangerous.

That’s why

We need our allies.

To stand in our

Darkness with us,

Radiating some of their light

So we don’t feel

As though we are alone.

Every bit of light

Makes the darkness

A little less lonely.

Every bit of light

Makes the danger

A little less prevalent.

College Preperation

High school is stressful enough.

I understand

College is

Coming up fast.

I’ve been hearing

“College” and

“Career”

Since Kindergarten.

Seriously

Since 5th grade.

I’m stressed

About college

And I haven’t

Stepped foot

Into college.

I know I should.

But right now,

I’m more concerned about

Grades,

Attendance,

Assignments,

Tests,

Mental health,

Staying focused,

Emotional stability,

Controlling flashbacks,

Resisting counting in 5s

Ceasing counting calories

Preventing anxiety attacks,

Recovering from anxiety attacks,

Functioning when depression strikes.

I’m just trying to stay sane.

Extracurriculars

Keep me sane

And give me a break.

Writing

Helps me express

And sort my mind out.

And when I need to talk,

But the one person

I can find

Is in a rush,

I feel invisible.

I feel it’s better

To bottle it up

Than talk to someone

Who isn’t in the right head-space

To listen.

Who throws me

In front of a puzzle

When I’ve tried that,

Or I at least know

It won’t help.

When I have an anxiety attack,

I can’t think.

My coping skills are useless.

I ask to talk to someone

Usually as a last resort—

When all else fails—

When I can’t get myself

Out of the mess

Alone.

When all I can think of

Is talking to someone

Who might understand,

If nothing else than to

Let someone else know

What’s happening.

When I can’t

Figure anything out

By myself

And I need help.

The last thing I want to do

Is take up someone else’s time

When I can solve something myself.

So when I ask for help,

I’ve tried to do what I can

To calm down,

To sort myself out.

But in that moment,

I need help.

Not a puzzle

Or a talk about

Everything I have to do

For college.

Maybe a reminder here and there,

But when I come

With something really

Weighing me down,

I’m not in the right mindset

To talk about my plans for the future

When I’m already struggling

With the present.

When I’m just trying

To survive

The day.

Brick Wall

I stare at what's
Ahead of me:
A brick wall
With a pile of papers
Towering behind it.
Over it.
I see
No way
To get
Through it.

Any time I
Talk about it,
Anxiety overcomes me.
I break down,
Crushed by stress.
I'm a mess.

Nothing new.
I know
I'm probably screwed.

Nevertheless,
I'm crumbling under
All this stress.

An Alternate Path

I don’t know why

It’s such a big deal.

It’s just a different classroom.

My mind is too blurred

To even try

To explore why.

Maybe because

Studies show

When you test

In the same environment

You studied,

You better retain

Information.

Obviously not everyone

Can do that.

It’s easier to

Stay calm

Stay focused

When I’m with people

I recognize.

Obviously not everyone

Can get that.

It’’s a pointless panic,

But I’m panicking

Over maybe nothing

Regardless.

Unfamiliarity plus

Feeling unprepared plus

So many finals plus

Drowning in stress plus

Overcome by anxiety plus

I don’t know what.