Fighting With My Mind

It was going so well.
But now
I can't speak
I can't think
Something else is
Shoving these
Memories
Back into my head
And I'm defenseless.

I'm tired of
Bring scared.
I'm tired of
Acting like I'm fine.

Yet I'm expected
To push through
As if I'm not
Fighting with my mind.

Fake it
'Till you make it.
Just.
Don't.
Break.

I'm fine.

"Love"

"Love"
It's just a word
People say
To make another
Feel better.

I don't fall for it
But I fall a lot.
I cry
Silently scream.
It hurts sometimes.
But sometimes
I don't care.

"I don't care"
My throat shrinks.
Now I want to care
But I don't.
I can't.

"I love you"
It rolls off my back.
Some say
It's sad.
I don't feel it
So how can I miss
What I can't feel?

Maybe it is sad.
But then am I broken?

"Broken"
Every night
I stay up to late,
I'm crying.
But sometimes
I don't care.

"Love"
It's like thin air.
Air keeps you alive.
But it's thin.
It's meaningless
For me.
Just jumbled up letters
For a word
Others feel
But I don't.
I don't know if I can.

I don't know.
I don't know a lot.
I do know
Sometimes I feel like
I'm drowning
But no effort
Into swimming.

I don't feel dead.
Not really.
Numb sometimes,
But not all the time.
But I see
"Love"
As jumbled up letters.
It's meaningless
To me.

Back to Flashbacks

They're back
And in a strange way.
It's not the
Stereotypical flashback.
Triggered by a sound
Or a scene,
The emotions I feel
Are real,
But the visual scene
Caused by the scene
Doesn't exist.
That frightens me.

These are different
From freshman year
When I was tested
On that book
All too familiar
And the flashback appeared.

Crying during
The test,
Unable to move a muscle,
Please no,
Please stop,
Crying in the corner
Of my room;
It was back.

Those memories,
Those thoughts,
That night
Coming back;
It scared me.

And now it's
Coming back
In a different state
And it scares me.

Treatment available,
But I'm too scared to ask
For it.
What if it bring back
Other events,
Other emotions,
Other experiences?
It scares me.

But I must ask
If I want to move forward
With my life.
I've forgotten so much
Of my life
Because of those nights.
I didn't care
The bad went away
With the good.
But now
I want to remember
The good.

Too much repressed;
I've forgotten half
My life.
I want to be normal,
Or as normal
As I can get.

Steel Masks

Incredible actors.
That every student,
Staff,
Has a mask
They convince other actors
Isn’t there
And succeed.

Has no one thought
Maybe it’s not healthy?
Repressing emotions
Kills me.
Anyone else?

Maybe no one thought
Maybe it’s better
To lose the mask.
Would we not gain
More than we lose?


I’ll start.
I go home
And sleep.
I’m tired
F everything.
Sometimes,
When I’m awake,
I fight back tears
Of exhaustion.

My mask of steel
Is weighing me down
And I don’t know why
I feel I’m expected
To wear it.
Does anyone really know?

“It’s not professional.”
It’s not healthy, either.
Which is more important?
“I don’t want people
To ask questions.”
Then tell them
You don’t want to
Tell them.

Alternate Flashback

Flashbacks
But this time,
It’s so different.
Apples and trees
Different.

It’s a flashback,
But of an emotion.
Not an image
Or specific event.
But it feels like
A tsunami.

Trembling,
Forcing back tears,
Panicking,
Scared of what might happen
Next.

I’m a child again.
Innocent
And helpless,
I can’t find my voice
To tell them to stop
Because I’m so scared.

Scared of what it is
And what it could be.
I’m scarred from
What it had become
Before.

40 minutes

Keep repressing
These memories
These emotions
Until they control me.

One statement
Can change me
Make me feel
Differently.
Quiet me.
That scares me.

Stare in the mirror
Another person
Staring back.
Emotions fade
Into nothing
Numb.

They’re back.
Dragging me
Down with them.
Hard to force
A fake smile
When I’m so vulnerable
And can’t hide it.

I can’t even
Fake it ‘till
I make it
And
Just
Not
Break.

What Happened?

You might not have meant
What you said
In the tone you did,
But what you said
And the tone you used,
Hurt.

I don’t feel okay.
But I forgive.
No matter what happened
That I don’t know about,
I pray will get better.

I don’t want to be scared
To ask for help.
I want to know
I can come
Expectant of help
With no anxiety.
I can leave feeling helped
More than hurt.

I just need to know
It’s not my fault.
If it is,
What I did wrong
Soo I know how to improve
Because I am always
Looking to improve myself.

Almost

My depression

Settles in

Almost as fast

As the snow

Drifts.

Almost.

My eating gets

Harder

Almost as fast

As there clouds

Move.

Almost.

My fake smile

Begins to hurt

Almost as fast

As the hour

Runs.

Almost.

My self esteem

Drops

Almost as fast

As the school day

Ends.

Almost.

It helps to

Cry,

Distract,

Hide,

Pretend,

Freeze.

Almost.

Writing Reactions

If they stay silent,
That's the worst reaction;
There's no reaction at all.
You don't know
What they think
Or how they feel.

If they're angry,
At least you know
What they think
And how they feel.

Ideally they'd be happy,
But then would they offer
Honest feedback
Like those who end angry?

Thank You, Teachers

Thank you
For giving your all
For students you have
For merely a yeat.

Thank you
For being patient
When you hardly
Have a pinch left.

Thank you
For shaping
Your room
To be our
Safe space.

Thank you
For caring about us
When we get
On your nerves.

Thank you
For listening to us
When we feel
There's no one else
To turn to.

Thank you
For teaching us
More than the curriculum,
But character.

Not Real Love

The
Way he talks to you is not the
Way love is
Because the
Way love is is not yelling at
You deserve better than his splintering
Words are supposed to
Heal the bruises he left.
You shouldn't have to piece your heart
Togther until you are finally
Released from his
Caging words, never opening the
Door he closes on
You don't deserve his
Selfishness is
Poison because the
Way he talks to you is not the
Way love is

His small, cold heart.
You deserve to feel
Love higher than the
Mountain top
He can't top.

When I Look at You

When I look at you
I don't see
"Bad person".
I see someone
Who needs support,
Who needs help,
Who is hurt
By their past
And hasn't healed yet.

When I look at you
I don't see
"Screw up".
I see someone
Who is fighting
But is getting tired,
Who has these tools,
But is struggling
To use them,
Who is trying
But can't show it well.

When I look at you
I don't see
"Dangerous".
I see
"Help me."
"Don't give up
On me."
"Don't leave me."

When I look at you
I don't see
"Bully".
I see hurt.
I see desperation.
I see a friend in need.

When I look at you
I don't see
"Toxic".
I see someone
Who needs support,
Who needs help,
Who is hurting
By their past
And hasn't healed yet.

Behavior is deeper
Than skin-deep.

In The Ring

Round one.
Breathing quickens
Muscles become tense
Chest caves
Everything vibrates,
But I can't
Even lift
My weighted head,
Strapped down,
Frozen in place.

Round two.
I'm no longer
In danger.
But others are.
But I'm
Too small
Too weak
Too scared stiff
To protect.

Round three.
It's so loud.
Screaming
Piercing my ears
And again,
I'm frozen stiff.
But this time,
Chains are broken
From my ankles.

Round four.
My closed throat
Is loosened,
But hasn't let go.
But I can run now.
Bound up the stairs
To my physical safety,
But not without anxiety
For everyone else.

Round five.
I can finally move.
I've gotten past
Freeze,
I can't fight,
But I can move.
I can run.
And that's more
Than I could do
Round one.

Round zero.
It takes over again.
A memory
Controls my
Emotions
Movements
Thoughts.

But.
A few rounds later,
It's a VHS
Locked in a
Box
Behind cabinets
Behind a wall
In a basement
In a bank.
I can walk out.
Soon,
I'll be free.

Panic

It was going so well.
But now
I can't speak
I can't think
Something else is
Shoving these
Memories
Back into my head
And I'm defenseless.

I'm tired of
Being scared.
I'm tired of
Acting like I'm fine.
I'm tired
And scared I'm falling
Again.

Yet I'm expected
To push through
As if I'm not
Fighting with my mind.

Fake it
Till you make it.
Just.
Don't.
Break.

I'm fine.

The Third Return

I did it.
I hid it.
Just until
I got out of
The public eye.

Then,
I'm in the corner,
Vibrating,
Overbreathing
And suffocating,
Begging him
To not hurt me
Even though
I know
He's not in the room.
It's not even
Crossing his mind.

But it doesn't
Feel that way.

He's towering over me,
Fist clenched,
Ready to strike me down,
Lower than I
Already am.

Fight what?
Flee where?
Freeze.
But my blood
Is rushing.
My body
Is burning.

Curled into a ball,
Unable to move,
Unable to breathe,
Unable to speak.

On high alert
For danger
Where there
Is none.
But then
Why do I
Feel like I
Am dying?

Flashback,
But don't know
Where to
Or when to
Or what to.

I'm scared
I'm talking
Too much
Or too loud
And I should just
"Shut up."
I apologize,
But no one is there
To hear.

I did it.
I hid it.
Just until
I got out of
The public eye.
Then,
I lost it.

Breathe

Can't think of the here
And now.
A balance of balls
Which keep falling off
The scale.
Holding your breath,
But you can't keep it steady.

"Breath is the
Finest gift of nature.
Be grateful for this
Wonderful gift."

To create music
That makes the
World go 'round.

To speak
Life,
Joy,
Inspiration,
To those
Who have lost it.

Give a fresh color
To this bland,
Old world.
We settle for little,
But when we breathe,
We explode into color
Leaving ourselves refreshed
And others revived.

Escape

But you have to make
Some time
To release.
To escape.
To breathe.
To gain a perspective
You haven't seen
Since forever.

"Try to keep your
Soul young and
Quivering right up
To old age."

Imagination.
We had it
When we were kids,
But then we grew up.
What changed?

Expectation
Obsession
With perfection
Distraction

When we were young,
We didn't think about
What was yet to come.
Not as far ahead as now.

Now.
Deadlines
College
Jobs
Piles of work
Yet to be done

Can't think of the here
And now.
A balance of balls
That keep falling off
The scale.
Holding your breath,
But you can't keep it steady.

Release

"Poetry comes from the
highest happiness
Or the
deepest sorrow."

It's true.
Pure poetry
Comes from
From depths others
Are too scared to go,
Are too scared to feel,
Although they would grow.

But there's more.
It comes from
Anxiety
Pressure
Frustration
Depression
Repression
It's a release.

Release.
A breath of fresh air
You can't get just anywhere.
A moment of peace
And quiet,
Something so hard to find
In a world full of noise
No one can escape.

But you have to make
Some time
To release.
To escape.
To breathe.
To gain a perspective
You haven't seen
Since forever.

The 8 Days of Finals

8 days 'till finals
7 assignments tonight
6 finals coming
5 tests before then
4 in different subjects
3 to study for
2 Christmas concerts
And 1 very stressed out student

New Beginning

She watches the sun set
Beyond the horizon
As the day ends.
Birds grow silent,
The world stands still.
The day ends
As a new beginning starts

We Came to You

We came to you
As sinners and
You transformed us.
Redeemed us.
Freed us
Because you love us.

He took the broken
And pieced them together
Into a masterpiece.

He gives
Light,
Love,
Comfort,
Healing
To those
Who call out
To Him.

Listen

Why is my brain
Like earbuds tangled
Straight out of
A pocket unorganized?

Distraction like a dog
Hunting down a squirrel
Darting up a tree--
Barking all along the way.

Mood like swings
When we were kids,
But dragging along
The woodchips
Beneath our toes,
Struggling to soar above.

Repetition like a
Broken record,
Broken record,
Broken record,
No record of an end.

Like a tree
Towering over
A crushed flower,
But merely
A memory
Of what trauma
Occurred before.

And anxiety.
I'm an artichoke,
Choking on what I
Need to say,
But can't.

If only they were to
Slow
Down,
Consider my
Different way of
Speaking,
And read
What I can't verbalize.

My voice is found
In the place it takes
Care to look
And consideration
To hear.

My Validated OCD

Another one.
Another diagnosis.
Another validation
That I didn't get before.
I missed one criterion,
So it was invalid.

Now it's confirmed--
A real thing.
Something that exists
In my life
That impacts me
So often.
My validated OCD.

The God Who Loves

The God
Who was there for me
When no one else was.
Who is there for me,
Just a prayer away.

The one who protects.
The one who died for all sins.
No hints
Of disappearance.

He gave a promise
To stay
When He could've easily
Walked away.

This eternal,
Reckless love
Guides in confusion,
Comforts in struggle,
Strengthens in weakness,
Rejoices in successes.

He tossed the ladder aside,
Offered His mighty hand,
And said
"Come to me, my children,
And I will give you rest."

He sacrificed His son
So we could live,
Chains free,
Debt free.

Why walk away
When He could have gone
The same way,
But gave a promise
To stay?

My Promise

I promised myself
I'll eat SOMETHING
For lunch,
Even if it's small.

I need to keep moving.
Keep recovering.
Keep fighting.

Lose my
Longing of control.
I don't have it.
I don't need it.
God has it.
So I know
I'll be okay.