College Preperation

High school is stressful enough.

I understand

College is

Coming up fast.

I’ve been hearing

“College” and

“Career”

Since Kindergarten.

Seriously

Since 5th grade.

I’m stressed

About college

And I haven’t

Stepped foot

Into college.

I know I should.

But right now,

I’m more concerned about

Grades,

Attendance,

Assignments,

Tests,

Mental health,

Staying focused,

Emotional stability,

Controlling flashbacks,

Resisting counting in 5s

Ceasing counting calories

Preventing anxiety attacks,

Recovering from anxiety attacks,

Functioning when depression strikes.

I’m just trying to stay sane.

Extracurriculars

Keep me sane

And give me a break.

Writing

Helps me express

And sort my mind out.

And when I need to talk,

But the one person

I can find

Is in a rush,

I feel invisible.

I feel it’s better

To bottle it up

Than talk to someone

Who isn’t in the right head-space

To listen.

Who throws me

In front of a puzzle

When I’ve tried that,

Or I at least know

It won’t help.

When I have an anxiety attack,

I can’t think.

My coping skills are useless.

I ask to talk to someone

Usually as a last resort—

When all else fails—

When I can’t get myself

Out of the mess

Alone.

When all I can think of

Is talking to someone

Who might understand,

If nothing else than to

Let someone else know

What’s happening.

When I can’t

Figure anything out

By myself

And I need help.

The last thing I want to do

Is take up someone else’s time

When I can solve something myself.

So when I ask for help,

I’ve tried to do what I can

To calm down,

To sort myself out.

But in that moment,

I need help.

Not a puzzle

Or a talk about

Everything I have to do

For college.

Maybe a reminder here and there,

But when I come

With something really

Weighing me down,

I’m not in the right mindset

To talk about my plans for the future

When I’m already struggling

With the present.

When I’m just trying

To survive

The day.

Brick Wall

I stare at what's
Ahead of me:
A brick wall
With a pile of papers
Towering behind it.
Over it.
I see
No way
To get
Through it.

Any time I
Talk about it,
Anxiety overcomes me.
I break down,
Crushed by stress.
I'm a mess.

Nothing new.
I know
I'm probably screwed.

Nevertheless,
I'm crumbling under
All this stress.

An Alternate Path

I don’t know why

It’s such a big deal.

It’s just a different classroom.

My mind is too blurred

To even try

To explore why.

Maybe because

Studies show

When you test

In the same environment

You studied,

You better retain

Information.

Obviously not everyone

Can do that.

It’s easier to

Stay calm

Stay focused

When I’m with people

I recognize.

Obviously not everyone

Can get that.

It’’s a pointless panic,

But I’m panicking

Over maybe nothing

Regardless.

Unfamiliarity plus

Feeling unprepared plus

So many finals plus

Drowning in stress plus

Overcome by anxiety plus

I don’t know what.

Dangerous Books

I have a problem.

I choose books

I relate to

Too well

And send myself back

In a flashback,

Hoping breathing

Might be enough.

But I can't breathe.

My lungs strain

To fill with air.

They deflate

And it takes

All the energy

Within me

To fix

My focus

On anything else

That I might

Be able to breathe

And choose another book.

One that contains an adventure

Not as dangerous for me.

Accommodation

This college thing?

I've been preparing for it

Since the first grade,

But still

There are so many unknowns.

Why can't I get

A 4-function calculator?

Why don't I know my times tables?

Why do I feel so stupid

That I don't know 3rd grade math?

Why do I still need a notecard

So I can apply formulas

And not spend all my time

Trying to memorize them?

Why don't I feel all the support

People are supposedly 

Giving me?

Why do I feel so alone in this?

Why do I dread

This next chapter in life?

Why can't I move out

Or make him move out

Into a car?

Why are these flashbacks 

Coming back?

Why does my anxiety

Have to be through the roof?

Why can't my mood be stable?

Why can't I just focus? 

Why can't I be normal

Like everyone else?

Why do I feel alone

In my fight to get what I need

For college?

Why do I already dread being 18

Less than 2 months in?

Why can't my college believe

That someone who had an IEP

Took a college math course

In high school?

Why do I feel so stupid?

Why can't I know basic math?

Why do I feel so alone?

Why can't I just be normal?

Black Lives Matter Movement

It hurts.

No,

It stings.

No,

It shatters my heart.

All these years

And still no justice.

No change.

3rd degree murder?

That's hardly a charge.

We need change.

Stonewall riots

Started the LGBTQ+ movement.

These are the riots

Of the Black Lives Matter movement.

Black Lives Matter.

A movement that will

Keep pushing until

The bullets stop flying,

The 'cuffs stop locking

Onto the wrong wrists

And people can breathe.

Until peaceful protests

Aren't punished.

Until innocent POC

Aren't murdered.

Until EVERYONE

Is equal.

And it starts

With each one of us.

Speak up

Or you're speaking for

The other side.

Exempt

I'm tired.

Getting exempt

From any assignments 

Helped a bit

But now

I still feel

Sick to my stomach

I see everything

Pile up

And I can't keep up.

So much for a

Clean slate.

I know

I need to know

The material,

But can't I just get

A run-down of

What I needed to hear?

I'm breaking into pieces,

Each piece trying to do

A balancing act,

Get every assignment completed,

Try to catch up

And keep up,

But still toppling over.

I'm Eighteen

I'm eighteen.

I'm not a minor,

But now a major character

In my own life.

I didn't think I'd make it,

Yet here I am,

Reflecting on the ride

That is my life.

I don't always write

Every time I don't see a light

At the end of the tunnel

So you might not know

Half of it.

I've struggled with

Anorexic behavior,

OCD tenancies,

PTSD flashbacks,

Suicidal thoughts,

The emotional roller coaster

That is my bipolar,

The unending distraction

That is uncontrollable,

The anxiety 

Forcing me to stay quiet

When I want to scream.

Four years ago,

I wanted to die.

I admitted myself

Into a hospital

But hours later

They suggested group therapy

And that did nothing

But I don't talk about that

Because see,

That was the

Second worst night

Of my life,

The first the sparking my

PTSD.

Yet here I am,

Writing this,

Letting you know

That yes,

I have scars

From head to toe,

But these?

They are my battle scars,

Proof I'm still alive

And I have fought many battles,

Won some,

Lost some,

But I WILL win the war.

I must win the war.

I have my

Prayer warriors 

Right by my side,

My God guiding me

With His righteous hand,

A community surrounding me,

Blanketing me

In love and support

That I might need

So desperately.

And now see,

I'm eighteen.

I'm not a minor,

But now a major character

In my own life

Because I didn't know

What was left

Or what was right,

But now I'm figuring out

How to make it by

And how to thrive.

I learned some of that

Along the way

And I may

Lose my compass,

But I have others

Who will

Help me get by

Until I find

What I need

In order to see clearly

What's in front of me.

Some left me,

Some stayed beside me,

Some mocked me,

Some praised me.

Some saw me

At my worst,

Some saw me

At my best.

I have learned to rest,

That it's hard to help

Someone else

If I can't help myself,

That I am not alone

In the battles I face

And the shield of God

Surrounds me

Wherever I may go.

I'm eighteen.

I'm not a minor,

But now a major character

In my own life.

How to Win a War

Heroes salute heroes,
Music rings out
From the streets,
And hands are outstretched
To those
Who are in need.

An unknown being
With no known cure
Kills us off
By the thousands,
Attempting to
Tear us apart.
But still we stand
Hand in hand
Six feet apart.

We video call,
We send letters,
We spend time
With family
And characters
In books.

We challenge each other
On TikTok,
We spread news
On Twitter,
We support each other
On Facebook,
We connect
On Zoom.

Many things are cancelled
Or will be soon,
But what all of this
Has taught me,
Is to believe
In humanity

Coronavirus Stress

How am I
Supposed to focus
When my mind
Is in a million
Different places?

That thing
That person sain
On Instagram,
The work
I need
To catch up on,
The people
Who are dying
From a virus,
Trapped inside
And can't visit
My friends.

What if I'm tired
Of being strong?
How
Can I take a break?
When
Can I get this break?


3/22/20