Attack (Prey)

These red eyes enclose me.

Screaming

Bursting through

My brain.

Attacks

From all sides--

Numb.

I feel

None of it.

It was there

One second

Now gone

In a split second.

Now

I have this fear

I'm being watched.

Hyenas with daggers.

I'm in danger

Not allowed

To move.

I'd turn the lights out

But I feel it's

One step closer

To my lights being

Put out.

Swap

I'm on a hill,

Hyenas below,

Now I'm the one

Grinning.

Fly

As more predators

Come close,

I lose

Their grip,

Spread my wings,

Flying high above,

Soaring,

Circling my new prey. 

(May 29, 2022)

Never Again?

Back in 2018,

Students screamed

"Enough is enough!"

Here we are,

Repeating the same thing

Enough is enough!

We made strides

Nationwide,

Students demanding change.

Enough is enough!

We made signs

And chants

That maybe our voices

Would be heard

And they were.

Enough is enough!

17 minute marches to remember

The 17 students murdered

In the Parkland massacre.

Enough is enough!

We stood

Hand in hand and

As we cried,

We cried out

For the murders

Of our children

To end.

Enough is enough!

For students

Not be required

To learn

"RUN.

HIDE."

FIGHT."

Enough is enough!

Stop taking the problem

And giving it

To students

To learn.

Take it upon yourself

To make

Radical change.

Real change.

These are

Real students,

Real staff,

Real teachers,

Real guns,

Real blood.

How many times

Need we scream

"Enough is enough!"

Until no school

Ever again

Need worry

About guns.

About safety.

How much

Has changed

Since 2018?

When will

Gun reform

Respond

To these

Murders?

When will

"Never again"

Never need

To be said

Again?

(May 25, 2022)

A Few Yards Back

The gates fall.

The train flies by

And I don't know why

But I walk to want

Right into it.

But I stop at the

End of the square

On the sidewalk

A few yards back

So I don't

Pass the line

That holds me back.

October 4, 2018

Dyscalculia

"Calculate the circumference of this circle."

You lost me at "Calculate".

I'm surrounded  by 7th graders

Whipping their calculators out

But sometimes I doubt

If I'm in the right grade.

Yeah,

I get great grades.

As and Bs,

But don't ask me

"What's 4 + 3?"

Multiply my embarrassment

By the addition of confusion

Divided by distraction

This math again adds.

"Dyscalculia".

Finally a word

To define why I suck at math

But somehow

My grades reflect

That I still belong

To be among

My peers

Still, I struggle to see it.

Home Church

I called you my home

Now it's time to say goodbye

I wish you the best

Rules

It's not another anymore.

It's me against me

And I can't stop it

And I'm scared I'll

Go too far

But I am going nowhere

With these thoughts

In my head.

Demanding me to

Ignore the hunger

Deny food

After breakfast

Until dinner

Don't snack

Consume as few calories

As possible

They are the enemy

Food is the enemy

If you follow these rules

Then maybe you'll

Finally lose weight

Like you've been wanting to

For over two years.

Maybe you'll gain

Some control.

Maybe you can

Hide it enough

No one will

Call what you're doing

Stupid anymore

Because they don't understand

You don't have a say

That you're tired of fighting

And are struggling

To fight anyway

Without hurting yourself

In the process.

July 14, 2019

Fighting

What does it take

For you to see

I'm really struggling?

It's not a voice of a lamb

Suggesting to not nibble on a treat,

But the roar of a lion,

Commanding me to not

Dare inch closer to food.

I'd rather starve

Than gain another few pounds

And I'm scared to check

Now that I've been eating

What you call "normally".

Just because I look healthier

Doesn't mean I feel healthier.

Mentally and emotionally

I'm dying and you still are blind

That these side effects

Are the end of me

Unless I end myself first

Because I dare not take

Another bite.

July 5, 2019

Lion

What does it take

For you to see

I'm really struggling?

It's not a voice of a lamb

Suggesting to not nibble on a treat,

But the roar of a lion,

Commanding me to not

Dare inch closer to food.

I'd rather starve

Than gain another few pounds

And I'm scared to check

Now that I've been eating

What you call "normally".

Just because I look healthier

Doesn't mean I feel healthier.

Mentally and emotionally

I'm dying and you still are blind

That these side effects

Are the end of me

Unless I end myself first

Because I dare not take

Another bite.

(June 20, 2019)

"Nothing Wrong With Me"

You say there's nothing

Wrong with me

That it's something

I can just talk out

And get rid of.

But I've been trying

To rid of this

For a while,

But still you see nothing.

But see,

I'm terrified of gaining

Even another pound,

I hate myself for each I carry

And this med you insist

On giving me

Screws up my plans

So you can't see.

My weight may be "stable"

But I'm not.

I want to skip meals

Exercise beyond

My ability

Be skinny.

But my weight is "healthy"

So you see nothing

Wrong with me.

June 14, 2019

Sacrifice Sleep

Between the

Meds I need

And the weight I feel

I'm not allowed to gain

It's a constant fight

But I can't sleep.

It shouldn't be

Such a hard choice.

Sleep

And 5s gone

But gain a little weight.

It shouldn't so hard.

But instead

It leaves me crying

Thinking "It's such a hard choice

But I know what I need to do."

So I choke back beads of tears

Threatening to roll

Down my cheeks

And take the pill

I was prescribed

Even if it goes against

Everything I've been thinking

For weeks.

Maybe I was feeling better

Because I felt more control

And Zyprexa destroys it.

But I can't sleep

And it's been a week

Of not taking it.

But yesterday

I ran on 3 hours

Of interrupted sleep.

But I question myself.

Do I really have control?

Is it worth the sacrifice of sleep

To have a little gain?

So I swallow the pill

Before I can go back.

And beads

Roll down my cheeks

Even when I know

I did what I need.

June 10, 2019

The Voice

I want this trip

To be my own.

This once-in-a-lifetime experience

To be my own.

But you want to plan

All of it.

You want this trip

To be on your terms.

I seem to have no say.

I want to go

With people I know.

I know I'll panic

If I'm alone.

But I don't want to go

With someone who

Is making it her own.

My trip on her terms--

Her way

Or no way.

I'll try to find work.

I'll try to scavenge

For the money.

For my part.

But please.

You're making me

Feel guilty,

And you're saying

You aren't.

But you stuff words

In my mouth,

And don't consider

How I feel.

I'd skip out completely

If it weren't

A once-in-a-lifetime

Opportunity.

May 25, 2019

Austria Dream

I want this trip

To be my own.

This once-in-a-lifetime experience

To be my own.

But you want to plan

All of it.

You want this trip

To be on your terms.

I seem to have no say.

I want to go

With people I know.

I know I'll panic

If I'm alone.

But I don't want to go

With someone who

Is making it her own.

My trip on her terms--

Her way

Or no way.

I'll try to find work.

I'll try to scavenge

For the money.

For my part.

But please.

You're making me

Feel guilty,

And you're saying

You aren't.

But you stuff words

In my mouth,

And don't consider

How I feel.

I'd skip out completely

If it weren't

A once-in-a-lifetime

Opportunity.

May 19, 2019