Nurture the Garden of Graduation

Graduation is bittersweet
Like a rose
But rain pounds
On each petal
And each petal
Blows in gusts of wind
Down the walk and into
The next student's year

Graduation is bittersweet
Like a tree
Planting its seeds
To start a new beginning
Leaving the familiar behind
But new adventures ahead

Burnout

Everything being cancelled

And I'm pretending to be fine?

What a fool am I?

They say

Ignorance is bliss

But I try to

Block out the news 

And all that comes

Are doubts

And worries

And stress

And tears

And I don't know

If I can take

Much more

But somehow

Hearing it

Is almost worse.

The darkness seems

To flood out the light

Until I can barely see

The hands in front of me.

They say to

Just smile

And everything

Will be brighter.

But when I try,

My heart breaks a bit more,

Knowing that smile

Couldn't be more fake.

I try to be

A beacon of light,

Of hope,

Of joy,

But honestly?

That bulb

Is burning out.

I'm Not Lazy

I'm not lazy.

I'm tired.

I'm terrified

Of being wrong.

It's irrational,

I know.

I don't know why

I'm so scared

To be wrong.

Is a panic attack

Being lazy?

It's exhausting.

I'm trying to recover. 

I'm not trying

To be lazy.

I don't think

I'm being lazy.

I can't find the answer

And my brain

Refuses to work.

I know you're not

Talking about me,

But me being me,

I can't help

But take the hit

Even when the hit

Isn't meant for me.

Why We Need Allies

The nooks

Of the internet

And smallest

Of hallways

Are flooded

With hate.

Are flooded

With homophobia.

With transphobia.

I was blessed

To be sheltered

At the beginning

Of finding myself.

I was blessed

To not come across it

While I was unsure.

Not everyone

Gets that blessing.

In those nooks

And those halls,

In that darkness,

We need some light.

That light

Comes in the form

Of an ally.

Everyone’s nook

And everyone’s hallway

Looks a little different.

There’s a hallway

For LGBTQ+,

There’s a nook

For people of color,

There’s a hallway

For speakers of different languages,

There’s a nook

For every reason

A person might seem different.

Those nooks

And hallways

Are petrifying.

They can be dangerous.

That’s why

We need our allies.

To stand in our

Darkness with us,

Radiating some of their light

So we don’t feel

As though we are alone.

Every bit of light

Makes the darkness

A little less lonely.

Every bit of light

Makes the danger

A little less prevalent.

College Preperation

High school is stressful enough.

I understand

College is

Coming up fast.

I’ve been hearing

“College” and

“Career”

Since Kindergarten.

Seriously

Since 5th grade.

I’m stressed

About college

And I haven’t

Stepped foot

Into college.

I know I should.

But right now,

I’m more concerned about

Grades,

Attendance,

Assignments,

Tests,

Mental health,

Staying focused,

Emotional stability,

Controlling flashbacks,

Resisting counting in 5s

Ceasing counting calories

Preventing anxiety attacks,

Recovering from anxiety attacks,

Functioning when depression strikes.

I’m just trying to stay sane.

Extracurriculars

Keep me sane

And give me a break.

Writing

Helps me express

And sort my mind out.

And when I need to talk,

But the one person

I can find

Is in a rush,

I feel invisible.

I feel it’s better

To bottle it up

Than talk to someone

Who isn’t in the right head-space

To listen.

Who throws me

In front of a puzzle

When I’ve tried that,

Or I at least know

It won’t help.

When I have an anxiety attack,

I can’t think.

My coping skills are useless.

I ask to talk to someone

Usually as a last resort—

When all else fails—

When I can’t get myself

Out of the mess

Alone.

When all I can think of

Is talking to someone

Who might understand,

If nothing else than to

Let someone else know

What’s happening.

When I can’t

Figure anything out

By myself

And I need help.

The last thing I want to do

Is take up someone else’s time

When I can solve something myself.

So when I ask for help,

I’ve tried to do what I can

To calm down,

To sort myself out.

But in that moment,

I need help.

Not a puzzle

Or a talk about

Everything I have to do

For college.

Maybe a reminder here and there,

But when I come

With something really

Weighing me down,

I’m not in the right mindset

To talk about my plans for the future

When I’m already struggling

With the present.

When I’m just trying

To survive

The day.

Brick Wall

I stare at what's
Ahead of me:
A brick wall
With a pile of papers
Towering behind it.
Over it.
I see
No way
To get
Through it.

Any time I
Talk about it,
Anxiety overcomes me.
I break down,
Crushed by stress.
I'm a mess.

Nothing new.
I know
I'm probably screwed.

Nevertheless,
I'm crumbling under
All this stress.

An Alternate Path

I don’t know why

It’s such a big deal.

It’s just a different classroom.

My mind is too blurred

To even try

To explore why.

Maybe because

Studies show

When you test

In the same environment

You studied,

You better retain

Information.

Obviously not everyone

Can do that.

It’s easier to

Stay calm

Stay focused

When I’m with people

I recognize.

Obviously not everyone

Can get that.

It’’s a pointless panic,

But I’m panicking

Over maybe nothing

Regardless.

Unfamiliarity plus

Feeling unprepared plus

So many finals plus

Drowning in stress plus

Overcome by anxiety plus

I don’t know what.

Dangerous Books

I have a problem.

I choose books

I relate to

Too well

And send myself back

In a flashback,

Hoping breathing

Might be enough.

But I can't breathe.

My lungs strain

To fill with air.

They deflate

And it takes

All the energy

Within me

To fix

My focus

On anything else

That I might

Be able to breathe

And choose another book.

One that contains an adventure

Not as dangerous for me.

Accommodation

This college thing?

I've been preparing for it

Since the first grade,

But still

There are so many unknowns.

Why can't I get

A 4-function calculator?

Why don't I know my times tables?

Why do I feel so stupid

That I don't know 3rd grade math?

Why do I still need a notecard

So I can apply formulas

And not spend all my time

Trying to memorize them?

Why don't I feel all the support

People are supposedly 

Giving me?

Why do I feel so alone in this?

Why do I dread

This next chapter in life?

Why can't I move out

Or make him move out

Into a car?

Why are these flashbacks 

Coming back?

Why does my anxiety

Have to be through the roof?

Why can't my mood be stable?

Why can't I just focus? 

Why can't I be normal

Like everyone else?

Why do I feel alone

In my fight to get what I need

For college?

Why do I already dread being 18

Less than 2 months in?

Why can't my college believe

That someone who had an IEP

Took a college math course

In high school?

Why do I feel so stupid?

Why can't I know basic math?

Why do I feel so alone?

Why can't I just be normal?