Not a Role Model

 I snapped.

This pillar of strength,

The one

To look up to,

Has shattered.

Pieces crumble

With each

Snap.

I thought I could be

Terracotta,

Going through the

Flames of hell

And made my way

Out,

But I was

Bearing the weight

Of the world

On my shoulders,

Eroding away

At the strength 

I once had.

Too much tension

Broke me.

Or maybe reliable steel.

Bent,

The world says

Isn't broken,

But I'm never back

To my original state.

I'm not the role model

I thought I had

To be.

I'm not the role model

I thought

I was.

I'm sorry.

(May 1, 2021)

Just Breathe

 It was

106.8 days

Since the thoughts

Crossed my mind

Of self-harm

But now I had to hit

Reset.

I can't believe it.

I'm trying not to

Beat myself up too much

About it,

But

It had been so long

And

I had come so far.

"One step forward,

Two steps back."

But they say recovery

Is an ongoing journey

And I just

Hit a pit.

It's hard

To believe it.

I've fallen apart

But not like this

This all-too-familiar guilt

Is rushing back--

I'm tired.

Tired of fighting,

Tired of being this

Role model

People look up to

I didn't sign up

For this.

Living up to

What others thought

About me--

Concerned about me

Proud of me

Looking up to me

But please

Leave me be.

Let me wallow

In my feelings

As I figure out

How to be ok

To feel weak.

"Stay strong."

A motto

I've lived by for years

And

I'm guilty of

Begging others

To do the same.

But now I see

Being weak

Isn't a bad thing.

The one thing

I now beg of myself

And others

Is to

Just

Breathe.

(March 31, 2021)

Catch a Break

I can't seem to catch a break.

Music and

Friends and

School

Are my only escape

And if I can't do them

Then I'm shoved

Into doubt

And self-hatred.

Inhale Deep

To find peace

But I

Can't breathe

And it's built up

Too much

And I'm breaking.

I've been strong

For so long

This volcano 

Is erupting

Holding back too much

Then overflowing.

Drew a line 

But it wasn't

In the sand

It was

By my hand

But not by

My hand.

The lines

Are fading

I'm begging

For them to stay

Before I do

Something stupid

But I'm an expert

At making excuses.

I like to believe

I'm self-aware

But if I were,

Why didn't I see this

Coming?

(4/1/2021)

Mile a Minute

Mind a mile a minute

Music won't do it

Breathing won't do it

Writing won't do it

Reading won't do it

The past won't do it

Unblending won't do it

Tapping won't do it

It helps momentarily

Until everything floods back

It's my past

And present

And future 

I'm thinking about

I can't pick one

To slow down

I can't

Focus on a feeling

My focus wanders

And as I try to

Patiently guide it back

My mind laughs

As if anything

Could slow it.

Took my meds

Two hours ago

The three

That are supposed to keep

My anxiety at bay

But my head runs away

How am I supposed to sleep

When my head decides

To stay awake?

(5/10/2021)

No Way Up

My head

Hits the pillow

And depression

Sets in.

Maybe if I just

Picked it up

One more time

I'd have control

Over at least

One thing.

My world is

Falling apart

And I don't see

How it can get better.

I hear stories

Of people working

To get a better life

But I don't know

If that can be

Something for me.

I work

But the world

Throws a hundred

Bricks in my path

I can't get past.

I take one down,

But the world decides

To throw a hundred more.

I don't want

To live a life

With no stability,

But that's all

It's been for me.

I want a family,

Even if it's just a partner

And a stable job I love

That pays well

And I could go

On a real vacation.

I want visit

All the states

Then go to Europe

Where I've dreamed of going

Since I

Was a child.

But it's all

Out of reach.

I'm stuck in a rut

And I can't

Get

Out.

I won't ever

Be able to

Get

Out.

I work my ass off

But people who do

A fraction of what I do

Still get the same privileges.

A thousand hours

Near perfect attendance

High-flying grades

Involved in activities

I can't count

On one hand,

But still the same college.

Work harder.

I'll get farther.

More hours

Stacking up fast

Perfect attendance

Amidst chaos

Higher-flying grades

I kill myself to receive

Still involved

In some activities.

I get into Honors

But that means nothing

Because we can still go

To the same next college.

2+2 equals

My hard work

Means nothing.

Why do I

Keep trying?

Trying to get

A better life

But I could do the

Bare minimum

And still get the same.

My dad feels

He failed

And I want to believe

That's not true,

But I know Mom

Contributed too.

Bouncing from

House to house

Is no bouncyhouse.

I've been working

For a bright future

Since preschool.

To have thought

Hard work

Would pay off

In fifteen years?

I'm a fool.

I'm tired of

Living a life

Where hard work

Doesn't pay off.

I'm getting as much

As people who do

A fraction of

What I do.

All I see in my future

Is a repeat

Of my present

And of my past.

What's the point

Of living life

If hard work

Doesn't pay off

And you're stuck

At the bottom

And will never

Be able to

Get

Up?

I just want to

Give

Up.

(5/16/2021)

Triggered

PTSD.

One and done.

Doesn't matter if it was

Big T or little t.

It just matters that it happened.

Not easy, but one-event recovery.

 

C-PTSD.

Repeated trauma

Keeps rolling its punches never-ending.

The big Ts and little ts

Stacking

Up

High

It feels impossible to identify

What happened at what time.

 

Traumas to work through

Different places

Different people

Don't know when the next blow goes

I can't brace myself.

I can heal all the way someday,

But today is not that day.

The real nightmare might just happen again

The next day.

 

Meanwhile,

For us both,

Who knows when the trigger will be pulled?

Who knows when we go back

To that flashback?

 

I don't mean the ones in fairytales,

I mean the one in my head

On repeat

Repeat

Repeat

Won't stop messing with me.

When grounding doesn't work

And seemingly time is the one that makes it end and helps me

Inhale

Exhale.

But until then,

I suffer in silence because I can't breathe.

I can't move.

I can't speak

Or communicate

I need someone there with me.

 

Until then,

I'm in a room,

All the oxygen sucked out

Shaking like a leaf in the wind

But I can't speak.

I

Can't 

Breathe.

 

I jolt up in the middle of the night,

The trigger replaying in my mind,

Gasping for air my brain decides isn't there.

 

I see someone hung

And that reminds me of when I wanted to be in their place.

I hear screaming

And it brings me back to when I screamed for the fighting to stop

The screams of pain.

I see punches and I witness the people throwing them,

Their faces replaced with the ones from those days.

Homeless

 "Homeless."

What do you think of?

Maybe the

Drugs,

Alcohol and

Gangs

They are all a part of?

Those who

Beg for money

Just to waste it all?

Or maybe

You can recognize

The other side.

The more common side

The upside

Of those who are

Shot down

And shunned.

That they need help.

They are not so different

From you and me.

See, 40% of the

Homeless youth

Are LGBT.

You see those veterans signs?

8% risked their lives,

But you and I

Just pass them by.

Is that not a disservice

To not recognize

Their service?

They took the chance

Of dying

Just to come back "home"

With no home

To come back to.

17.7% of people

In the US

Have a disability.

Can we not relate

To the 42.8%

Who do not have

A place

To call "home?"

 

Don't wait.

Don't hesitate.

Don't miss a beat

To offer a hand

To those

Who need it

"Your Problem Isn't Permanent"

 They say

"Your problem

Isn't permanent,"

But you don't know me.

You don't know

My wars.

You don't know

What has shaken me

To my core.

You don't know

How I keep score.

You don't know me.

Some days are better than others.

But on those rocky days

When I can't catch a breath,

I can only pray

That I might get some rest.

See,

I've been good for a while now,

My smile is for real now,

I'm excited for new days now.

But you don't see,

I'm terrified of falling again,

I'm petrified of breaking down again,

I'm a shaking leaf,

Preparing for something to go wrong again.

Even now,

My anxiety has taken control.

I can't figure out how to let it go

And I pray and I don't hear an answer.

They say

"The teacher is quiet during the test,"

But what they don't mention is

You can be ready to give up

And it still feels like He doesn't hear you.

God, I've been begging for years

And I'm thankful

I'm still alive and here,

But I've been breaking down recently 

And you're the only one

Who has the glue to fix me.

God, I really need answers.

I know You're the light,

But I ask You shed some light

On what everyone

Can't seem to see.

God, what is wrong with me?

I've been right about every diagnosis so far,

Can I be right about this one, too?

I need to have a name.

I need explanations

For all these questions

Swirling in my brain.

Please.

They're begging to be answered.

I cry,

But I hear no answer.

They blame it on the ADHD

And I can see that with my speed,

But that doesn't explain why

I can't do basic math

Or remember basic facts.

I don't care

That I completed college math.

The accommodations kept me

From getting a D on every test.

But people just see that I completed it.

They didn't see

The step ladder I needed

To reach it.

They say I won't need

Much more math,

But I refuse to believe

That that's true.

Just say I have Dyscalculia

So I can have my

Formula card

And my calculator,

And then I can succeed

In any subject I choose.

God, please let me be right.

I need to know why

I struggle with math so much.

I need to know why

I switch my German words up so much.

I need to know why

I see everyone around me thrive,

But I still don't know

Eight plus five.

Tell me why I can't remember word order.

Tell me why I've struggled in German 

For the last seven years.

Tell me why everyone gets the hang of it

Except me.

"Nominative"

"Dative"

"Accusative"

Everything a language is based on

And I don't know what they mean.

It's been explained a million times,

But when it comes to doing it,

Forget it.

I don't know word order 

And I question why I continue--

Why I even try anymore.

Maybe because I've struggled

Too much

To give up now.

I only want to be fluent

And that seems to be

Too much

To ask.

God, I'm asking for help.

I need to know

Why I scream at my

Math and German homework

But I still miraculously succeed

And that's all anyone sees.

Living Goals

 In 2015,

I prayed I'd still be alive

Until 2020

To open

My time capsule.

I did the assignment

And wrote down

What hope I had left.

I poured everything I had

Onto that paper,

Thinking

Maybe that'll be

My next goal to live to:

Graduation.

Middle school passed.

Graduation passed.

First day of college passed.

It arrived

The week before finals

When I was hesitant

To trust anymore,

Struggling to

Complete assignments,

And lost someone

I cared about.

"I hope

You are still alive

To read this."

"It'll be hard,

I know.

But stay strong

And keep going."

Monday

Monday.

There are more suicides

On Monday

Than any other day.

They are tired of screaming,

Tired of no one hearing.

So some go to the hospital. 

But some go

6 feet under.

But that doesn't have to be the case.

Make the space

For them to speak

And you only listen

Don't you dare interrupt

Or dismiss it

Like a bother

You don't have

To deal with.

LGBTQ+ Diversity Essay

Our allies

Are essential.

I can't write this

In an essay

Because an essay

Doesn't do it justice.

Cliche here,

Cliche there,

Words scrambled

On a page

My mind can't sort.

Thoughts blown

By gusts of wind,

Never to be seen again.

But this essay

Is essential.

But reflecting on your reflection

Is not as simple

As it may sound.

An essay whispers,

But poetry screams.

The importance

Of allies,

The importance

Of companionship,

The importance

Of support--

Poetry never lies.

Words die

If the ink doesn't dry

In time for the due date.

Otherwise,

It's too late.

Your Words

Your words

Are thorns

Piercing my flesh.

Your actions

Are scars.

Memories never gone.

Your anger

Is a flame.

Scorching my mind.

Dry Mouth

I repeat words

And phrases

Ceaselessly.

Perhaps because

Everything original

Got shot down

Efficiently

The expansive words

Flood my mind,

Begging to burst,

But no one would bother to listen

To little ol' me.

Voices

 Your voice echoes

In my head.

It never goes.

Why do you break me?

I take every hit

You throw.

I take every wound

You cause me.

My heart is scarred.

My heart is shattered.

My heart is breaking.

My heart is caving.

Tell me what love

Feels like

For the love I feel

Is fake.