Tissue Paper

I'm tissue paper.

You're a hammer.

Whacking at me

With your words,

You make a million

Small holes,

Than one hole

That is me.

To this day,

I'm trying

To get taped together.

But I will

Never be the same.

June 12, 2018

You Promised

You promised.

You said it on your wedding day.

For better or for worse.

Today is the "worse" part.

But you fight.

You get in each other's face.

He towers over her,

But I wait for something worse.

Mom,

He's working at Panera

Even though every

Bone in his body

Told him not to.

Dad,

Yes, she gets on all our nerves,

But she's your wife.

You promised.

Stay together.

I thought it was getting better.

He didn't read the book,

But participated.

She read the book,

But didn't participate.

You triggered me

Worse than I already was.

Him in her face.

Her tears trickling down.

The screaming at

One another.

I can't handle it.

It was like a flashback.

The TV already

Reopened the scar,

But you.

You widened the wound.

I'm wearing the necklace again.

The semicolon one.

I promised.

As long as I wear that,

I won't take my life.

I haven't needed it for so long.

But now I do.

I go to sleep over

At my friend's house.

Her family so kindly

Takes me in.

But I must return tomorrow.

I must return

To YOU.

I can't run.

I can't hide.

If I could just fly away.

Maybe fly to church.

That's my family.

I don't have to fear

That there will be a divorce

With them.

I wish I didn't fear one

Between you.

June 10, 2018

Chained Down

I was chained down,

Your grip strong on me.

Your hands

Blended into mine.

Tearing away

At my flesh

At my strength

At my hope

You gave me cuts

Scars

You said you were

Stronger of a believer then

Than you are now.

You could've 

Fooled me.

June 29, 2018

13 Reasons Why

It's what everyone else watches.

They blow through it 

In a week.

Here I am

Over a year later

Still on

Season 1

Episode 8.

Season 2

Already started

For everyone else.

It already finished

For everyone else.

But I can't seem to

Stay strong

Long enough

To push through,

To catch up

To where everyone else is

Without falling backwards.

2 steps forward.

5 steps back.

June 1, 2018

I'm Sorry

You let out your anger,

Your past,

Your failure,

All onto me.

Then you walked away

As if everything were okay.

Everyone thought

Everything was okay.

They never believed me when I said

You were the one creeping

Inside my head.

They thought you were so nice

But your heart was made of ice.

Your bitterness

Was contagious;

It spread like a wildfire

Until I became a part

Of the blaze.

Every time I say it's better,

You make me second guess

What I just assured

Everyone around me.

To this day,

I am infected

By your stabbing words.

May 29, 2018

Infected

You let out your anger,

Your past,

Your failure,

All onto me.

Then you walked away

As if everything were okay.

Everyone thought

Everything was okay.

They never believed me when I said

You were the one creeping

Inside my head.

They thought you were so nice

But your heart was made of ice.

Your bitterness

Was contagious;

It spread like a wildfire

Until I became a part

Of the blaze.

Every time I say it's better,

You make me second guess

What I just assured

Everyone around me.

To this day,

I am infected

By your stabbing words.

May 28, 2018

Dysphoria

I feel like I'm in

Fictional skin.

I'm not a boy

I'm not a girl

What the heck am I?

Why can't I just be normal?

Dysphoria wins.

My skin screams for pain,

But I can't give in again.

My head is clouded,

Swarming with thoughts.

I'm crumbling

Piece by piece.

I'm tired.

No motivation,

No movement,

No use.

May 10, 2018

Demons (Haiku)

Your Demons Look For Me

Halls fill with demons

Yours are hunting me down now.

Have they found me too?

Your Demons Captured Me

Can't keep holding on

The beginning of the end

Down by the calm sea

My God Saved Me

Hanging off the edge

A hand keeps me from falling

I give all to you

May 2, 2018

Alive and Free (Baptism)

I am saved

Because he loves me.

Died for me.

Lives in me.

I make mistakes,

But he forgives me anyway.

Loves me anyway.

Wants a relationship

With me anyway.

Frees me anyway.

I'm not going

Through the motions.

I'm not alone.

I'm not living

But I am alive.

I am a disciple,

A child of the

One true King,

A messenger.

I'm not faking anymore.

I'm not hiding anymore.

I'm not stalling anymore.

I'm not climbing anymore.

I'm not chained anymore.

I'm free.

I'm blessed.

I'm renewed.

I'm forgiven.

I'm saved.

I'm loved.

I'm alive.

I'm free.

March 18, 2018

I Won't Be Heard

I won't be heard

It took all my courage

But I won't be heard.

My anxiety burns.

I yearn

To help someone,

To tell them they are not alone,

But that plan is burned.

My whisper of a scream

Is muted

And ignored.

They could even say

It's been 2 months

And they promised.

They told me.

They fooled me.

March 7, 2018

Pinballs

Chest caving in,

Body tense,

Condensed.

Nothing makes sense,

It's all just a blur.

I can't be heard.

I can't focus to learn.

My head turns on me.

Like pinballs crashing

Every which way.

March 7, 2018

Hidin', Fakin', Cryin', Silent

I need a clean slate cause

I feel like I been fakin'

It's a mistak'n

And if I'd been graden myself

I'd get an F for faken

I try but no result reflects

The work I put in

The only result reflected

Are the failures

Cause I've been faken

Faken is taking a toll

My friends

My grades

My education.

They telling me to be happy

But I find joy in my work

But it's work hard so I

Sometimes dont--no--won't

Keep my health up to date

I put the work in

But I feel fake 'n

It reflects in my work

Reflects in my failures.

No stress in my life

No anxiety

No late nights cryin'

No fightn' with my mind

No bruises hidin'

But I feel paralyzed

Cause I've been lyin'

I once loved school.

Teachers

Friends

They're my family

But I've been strong

For so long

The mask is glued on

Forever hidin'

Forever fakin'

Forever cryin'

Forever silent.

February 16, 2018

Little Girl

Little girl,

Play with your dolls.

Pretend they're real.

Give them names.

Despite what anyone says,

You be you.

Little girl,

Ride your bike.

Feel the wind

Rushing through your locks.

Despite what anyone says,

You be you.

Little girl,

Play with your friends.

Giggle through the playground

In your bright pink dress.

Despite what anyone says,

You be you.

Little girl,

Wrote poetry.

Express yourself

And make people ask questions.

Despite what anyone says,

You be you.

Little girl,

Go to your clubs.

Meet people with

Your same interests.

Despite what anyone says,

You be you.

Little girl,

You discovered you

Are not a girl.

This is not normal.

Despite what anyone says,

Be who society tells you to be.

Non-binary human,

You weep at night.

Misgendered every day,

You only hear "she", "her", "girl", "daughter".

Despite who you are,

Be who society tells you to be.

January 8, 2018

Screaming a Whisper

I'm screaming

But it comes out as a whisper

Like a silenced lion

Trying to roar,

But losing it's voice more

Until the voice is no more.

October 29, 2017

What's in a Language?

Who's to say one language

Has more emotion

More expression

Than another?

Just because

One is silent,

Does that make it

Less important?

Should the squeaky wheel

Always get the grease

Even when a silent one

Has a flat?

October 13, 2017

Escape

Heart racing

Stomach churning

Mind shutting down.

I gave you the note.

I explained my situation.

But the talk of abuse seems to

Become more detailed.

I'm on the brink

Of tears

Waiting for years

For class to end

So I can escape.

So I can breathe.

I need to escape my favorite class.

How sad is that?

Feeling a need to hide under my hat-

To hide the tears welling up

In my eyes.

But I use a smile as a disguise.

September 6, 2017

Never Know

Never know which of his words

Are waiting

At the door

Of our house.

Never know if his words

Are cutting,

Healing,

Or cussing.

Never know if he is

The next hurricane,

Lilac,

Or flood.

Never know

What he will

Do next.

All I know is

I'm too busy

Trying to put

Myself back

Together to

Care about

My imperfect

Edges.

August 31, 2017

Mantle

Please.

I can't handle these eyes.

I feel like I'm on a mantle

For everyone to stare.

I'm too scared

To run so I

Freeze in

Fear.

But I can't keep

Standing

Here.

July 22, 2017

Noise

To think it is silent

Would be a fool's response

To the white noise surrounding.

A television blaring

Birds chirping

Lawnmower running.

It never is quite silent.

Perhaps it's because we are

Uncomfortable with silence.

It leaves us alone with our thoughts.

Thoughts that scare us.

Thoughts that determine our decisions

Like a decision to keep busy.

Everyone insists on being occupied.

But sometimes what we need to do is

Sit.

Create individual silence.

Mindfulness.

Then perhaps we can appreciate

A given moment of life.

Just a little bit more.

July 14, 2017

Standards

I don't want to

Leave but I can no longer

Breathe. I'm

Suffocating.

Internalizing.

Hiding my

Crying by

Smiling. I'm just

Trying to make you happy.

But the fight reminded me of that

Night when nothing was

Right and still all my

Might can't stop my

Mind from remembering.

I feel

Useless when I'm

Clueless. Even if

You teach me, I don't want want to fail

You or fail me. My

Standards are too

High for me to go

By, but I still force myself to

Try even of it breaks me.

June 23, 2017

Sight

My quieting

Is when I'm hiding

My crying.

I'm no longer lying.

I just need to lie

Right beside you.

Because right beside you is

The only presence I need

When I can no longer see

Until the end of the week

'Cause till then you are my guide

Till I'm no longer blind.

June 14, 2017

Your Face

I need to see your face

Cause these tears

They're running down my cheeks.

One by one they fall

Until I can't catch them all.

You're the only one who can

Comfort me.

The only one who

Really cares.

The one

Who's face I need to see.

When I'm shredded to pieces

You have the glue.

When I have a broken heart

You have the needle and thread.

Your presence is the

Comfort I need.

Your face is the face

I need to see.

June 14, 2017

The Lion's Den

I'm dying which I'm

Hiding with my

Smiling and I'm muffling my

Crying which you never hear.

I say

"I'm fine" but I'm

Lying and you believe the

Lie every

Time I tell it.

Maybe the hardest part of verbal

Abuse is having no

Bruises as evidence for the pain you

Took when your mind was

Shook and you could no longer

Look at your world falling to pieces.

Or maybe the

Hardest is when you're torn

Apart

Piece by piece.

It's so slow you can no longer

Seize the broken

Pieces that have been torn apart by the

Beast that won't seem to give up

Abusing until you're the one who's

Losing.

But

Maybe there's a place to

Hide that isn't

Inside the

Lion's den. One that will

Satisfy a need to be

Alone with room to

Roam so you don't have to

Worry about your tiny change in

Tone.

No longer walking on eggshells is a dream of

Mine that I'm waiting to

Find so one day I can

Cry and not because I'm feeling pushed

Aside

August 31, 2017

Nonsense Verses

The past welcomes me back

With open arms.

Progress made

Seems to go in reverse.

I'm drowning in my thoughts.

The ones I were told were

Lies but

Seem like the truth.

I'm tired of fighting my mind.

The problem is you never

Can win with

Demons seeping in.

I was taught to fight them,

To reassure myself

That I'm

Beautiful and enough.

But how can one be positive,

When the night is so negative?

Is there any point in trying to light a candle

If it's just going to be blown out?

Told to not believe the lie

Of there always being

Abuse and addiction,

I want to believe they are lies.

It's hard not to believe so called "lies"

When you're surrounded by them daily.

When you're struggling daily

It never seems to get better.

But as I write this I realize

It was much worse before.

And while it's still bad now,

I have survived worse.

I've made progress,

And I can make some more.

I've drowned in my thoughts,

But I've learned how to swim.

I've fought the demons,

And I've won before.

I have learned to love myself before,

And I can do it again.

I've learned how to light a lamp,

And make it blaze at the core.

I've learned to see the light in struggle,

And I can find it again.

August 31, 2017

Hidden Abuse

The abuse is hidden

As you clearly don't see.

The leg bouncing,

The body tensing,

The voice shaking.

You clearly don't see

The tears forming,

The chest thumping,

The speaking quickening,

The sentances stumbling.

You clearly don't see the cues

Of the hidden abuse.

I'm sorry.

August 31, 2017