Atypical Anorexia

Another diagnosis.
But it's different.
I'm not just relieved,
But I'm scared, too.
I don't want to end up
Like too many others.
I don't want to go
Too far
And lose
My life.

I'll fight.
I know
I'll get tired
And I know
I'll slip up,
But I'll fight.
I know
I'll cry
And I know
I'll shake,
But I'll fight.

I'll fight.
If not for me,
Then for others
Who care about me.
I know
I'll gain strength
From them.

I'm tired.
Tired
Of counting
Calories.
Tired
Of sneaking
To the scale.
Tired
Of running
Beyond ability.

I'm going
To fight.
And I'm going
To win.

4:05 A.M. Thoughts

I felt nothing
Now everything
And thoughts
Won't stop
Please
Make them stop.
My tears
Won't stop
Please
Make them stop.

I'm so tired.
I'm so tired
Of fighting
And going
Nowhere.

The thoughts creep in
And don't hesitate.
At least a different room
Adds a delay.

But when the clock
Strikes midnight,
All hell breaks loose
And I lose control
Over my thoughts.

Beautiful Skin

I know you're hurting,
Stressed out,
Depressed.
But bruised
And sliced-up wrists
Are not the answer.
I've been there.
It's not worth it.

You feel the release,
But only for a moment.
Soon it's gone
And you crave it more
Until it controls you--
Becomes your hobby--
Your best friend.

You hide it
With long sleeves
Avoiding short tees
At all costs
Even if it costs
Your beautiful skin.

Scars are not beautiful,
Clean skin is.
I promise I tell you the truth.
So reach out
If you feel the urge
To harm your
Beautiful skin.

Constant

I can't breathe.
Waves of panic
Crashing over me
Drag me out to sea.

I can't see.
The rolling waves
Cloud my vision
There is no decision.

Nothing is clear.
Which way is up
Which way is down
I can not tell.
It's like a prison cell.

No one can hear.
My cries are drowned out
By the crashing of waves.
Still I'm told to speak louder.

This is my mind every day.
It's everything I'm too afraid to say.
My mind on constant replay
Of what went wrong each day.
From the moment I wake up,
There is no delay.

Some days are better.
Some days are worse.

There is no pause,
Only play.
I can't tell if I'm okay
Or if the devil is telling me
I'm fine on my own.
I can do this alone.
I don't need anyone but
Me, myself, and I.

"I can do all things through
Christ who strengthens me."
But some days I can't see
The blazing light in front of me.
I can't see His eyes in front of me.

Tribute to Notre Dame Cathedral

Cathedral engulfed in flames,
People are crying.
History is burning.

Horrified onlookers
Sing hymes of hope
As they watch their church
Go up in flames

The raging flames
Are relentless.
They race through the
House of hope,
Disregarding any plea.

Billowing smoke
Arises from destruction
As the spire collapses
And people scream.

But they sing
And they pray.
The only things
They can do.

They pray to a God
Brighter
Warmer
More powerful
Than the flames.

With onlookers across the globe,
What was lost
Will be restored.

Hushed

The hushed
Is a privilege
Underappreciated.

The park is empty
Except me
And rustling leaves
Dangling on trees.
Thoughts pass
Like cars
Hovering across
A street

My bedroom is empty
Except me
And cars
Rushing across
A street.
Thoughts pass
Like students
Rushing
To their
Next class.

The hall is empty
Except me
And students
Reaching
Their designated
Classrooms.
Thoughts pass
Like clouds
Whispy
Across the
Sky.

Palm Sunday

Fulfilled each prophesy,
He humbly arrived
On a donkey's colt,
Layered with coats.

Garments and
Branches of Palm trees
Were set before
The majesty
Of the Heavens.

Pharisees desired
Silence from
His disciples;
He said if they
Were silenced
In their place
The stones
Would cry out.

"Teacher"
"Blessed
"Lord"
"Son of David"
"King of Israel"
"Hosanna in the Highest!"

Writing Is My Power

I might write
Like I don't know
How to speak.
But I do know how.
I can if I have something
Important to voice.

But writing is different.
It's power on a page.
Expressing the inexpressible,
Speaking the unspeakable,
Changing unchangeable minds,
It's like nothing else.

It's a silent power.
More force than
A black hole,
More gentle
Than a rocking chair,
More dangerous
Than a gamma ray,
More safe
Than a heavy blanket,
Brighter than
A thousand stars,
Darker than
The absence
Of everything.

Horrific beauty,
Didactic meaninglessness,
Kind cruelty,
Constructive destruction,
Emerging as
Simple chaos.

Word Storm

My words
Are lightning
Stretching
To every corner
Of there sky.
But if you don't listen,
It's gone.

The thunder clap
Alerts you
You missed something
Incredible.
A work of art
Unable to be replicated.

The storm
Is overwhelming
People hide.
They don't want
To hear
Or see
A work so powerful.

They cower
At the sight
Of rain.
They cower
At the risk
Something stronger
Is brewing.

It's me.
It's my writing.

But they'll never know this
Because they hid.

Written Art Speaks

You might not
Hear me speak
But my writings
Speak for me.
I might be too quiet
For you to hear me.
But my writings,
They are screaming.

I might write
Better than I speak,
But don't get me wrong.
I am speaking words
Which flow through my
Fingertips
And onto my paper
To arrange themselves
Into an art
Only those who listen
Can hear.

"Speak Up"

"Speak up."
"Project."
"Own your voice."

That's harder than it seems
You see.
My voice was
Robbed from me
When I was
Too young
Too weak
To fight back.

I scream all the time,
You just can't hear it.

Hear me!
I want you to hear me!
But I can't
Do my part
No matter how hard
I might try!

I want to understand
This material,
But I can't!
I'm trying so hard,
But I can't!
Help me!
Please!

I can plea
All I want.
I can scream
All I want.
I've written
About my screams
And pleas
Countless times.
But it doesn't matter.

Writing can communicate...
Sometimes.
But everyone
Only listens to
The noise
And not the quiet.

I'm lucky
If I can mutter words
And they are heard.

"It's to prepare you
For college,"
They say.
But I'm in high school.
I want to experience
High school.
Not college
Before I step foot in one.

Trigonometry

It looks like I'm doing alright,
But I've trained myself to display that.
I'm drowning in proofs,
Doing anything
I can
To keep pushing through.

A fresh start sounded great.
Start from the basics
Work your way up
...except for Algebra
And fractions,
Two of the things
I've struggled through.

I get a proof right on my own
Once in a blue moon.
But when I struggle,
I'd keep my hand raised,
Constantly struggling.

I work hard.
Finally gave myself a break
Last week
For the first time
In a lifetime.

Or maybe it was
To take a break
From not understanding
Basic Algebra,
From what was embarrassment
Becoming shame.

Assessment tomorrow
Field trip first.
No break in my day,
A moment for me
To breathe
And just be.

I don't want the next test
To end up
Like the last test.

Proofs are like driving,
Except I feel like
I keep driving into a tree.

Winter Blanket

Slick ice glimmers,
Blankets the snow
Beneath.

Crystals randomly
Specifically placed
Bubbles
Frozen before
They could arise

Cars pass,
People trample
With their
Four-legged friends
At their side.
None stop.
Observe.
See the beauty
Crushed beneath
Their feet.

In the Corner

I did it.
I hid it.
Just until
I got out of
The public eye.

Then,
I'm in the corner,
Vibrating,
Overbreathing
And suffocating,
Begging him
To not hurt me
Even though
I know
He's not in the room.
It's not even
Crossing his mind.

But it doesn't
Feel that way.

He's towering over me,
Fist clenched,
Ready to strike me down,
Lower than I
Already am.

He's ready
To end me.

I'm terrified of death,
But I'm also not.
Earlier,
I didn't care
What happened to me.
Now,
I couldn't care more.

Fight what?
Flee where?
Freeze.
But my blood
Is rushing.
My body
Is urning.

Curled into a ball,
Unable to move,
Unable to breathe,
Unable to speak.

On high alert
For danger
Where there
Is none.
But then
Why do I
Feel like I
Am dying?

Flashback,
But don't know
Where to
Or when to
Or what to.

"I don't know."
I really don't.
Or at least
I don't think I do.
If I do,
I'm scared
I'm talking
Too much
Or too loud
And I should just
"Shut up."

Silence.
That's my answer.
They can read
If they want to listen,
But speaking
Gets me in trouble.
So does not speaking.
But writing.
You show you care
If you're willing to read
And listen.

I did it.
I hid it.
Just until
I got out of
The public eye.
Then,
I lost it.

Fighting With My Mind

It was going so well.
But now
I can't speak
I can't think
Something else is
Shoving these
Memories
Back into my head
And I'm defenseless.

I'm tired of
Bring scared.
I'm tired of
Acting like I'm fine.

Yet I'm expected
To push through
As if I'm not
Fighting with my mind.

Fake it
'Till you make it.
Just.
Don't.
Break.

I'm fine.

"Love"

"Love"
It's just a word
People say
To make another
Feel better.

I don't fall for it
But I fall a lot.
I cry
Silently scream.
It hurts sometimes.
But sometimes
I don't care.

"I don't care"
My throat shrinks.
Now I want to care
But I don't.
I can't.

"I love you"
It rolls off my back.
Some say
It's sad.
I don't feel it
So how can I miss
What I can't feel?

Maybe it is sad.
But then am I broken?

"Broken"
Every night
I stay up to late,
I'm crying.
But sometimes
I don't care.

"Love"
It's like thin air.
Air keeps you alive.
But it's thin.
It's meaningless
For me.
Just jumbled up letters
For a word
Others feel
But I don't.
I don't know if I can.

I don't know.
I don't know a lot.
I do know
Sometimes I feel like
I'm drowning
But no effort
Into swimming.

I don't feel dead.
Not really.
Numb sometimes,
But not all the time.
But I see
"Love"
As jumbled up letters.
It's meaningless
To me.

Back to Flashbacks

They're back
And in a strange way.
It's not the
Stereotypical flashback.
Triggered by a sound
Or a scene,
The emotions I feel
Are real,
But the visual scene
Caused by the scene
Doesn't exist.
That frightens me.

These are different
From freshman year
When I was tested
On that book
All too familiar
And the flashback appeared.

Crying during
The test,
Unable to move a muscle,
Please no,
Please stop,
Crying in the corner
Of my room;
It was back.

Those memories,
Those thoughts,
That night
Coming back;
It scared me.

And now it's
Coming back
In a different state
And it scares me.

Treatment available,
But I'm too scared to ask
For it.
What if it bring back
Other events,
Other emotions,
Other experiences?
It scares me.

But I must ask
If I want to move forward
With my life.
I've forgotten so much
Of my life
Because of those nights.
I didn't care
The bad went away
With the good.
But now
I want to remember
The good.

Too much repressed;
I've forgotten half
My life.
I want to be normal,
Or as normal
As I can get.

Steel Masks

Incredible actors.
That every student,
Staff,
Has a mask
They convince other actors
Isn’t there
And succeed.

Has no one thought
Maybe it’s not healthy?
Repressing emotions
Kills me.
Anyone else?

Maybe no one thought
Maybe it’s better
To lose the mask.
Would we not gain
More than we lose?


I’ll start.
I go home
And sleep.
I’m tired
F everything.
Sometimes,
When I’m awake,
I fight back tears
Of exhaustion.

My mask of steel
Is weighing me down
And I don’t know why
I feel I’m expected
To wear it.
Does anyone really know?

“It’s not professional.”
It’s not healthy, either.
Which is more important?
“I don’t want people
To ask questions.”
Then tell them
You don’t want to
Tell them.

Alternate Flashback

Flashbacks
But this time,
It’s so different.
Apples and trees
Different.

It’s a flashback,
But of an emotion.
Not an image
Or specific event.
But it feels like
A tsunami.

Trembling,
Forcing back tears,
Panicking,
Scared of what might happen
Next.

I’m a child again.
Innocent
And helpless,
I can’t find my voice
To tell them to stop
Because I’m so scared.

Scared of what it is
And what it could be.
I’m scarred from
What it had become
Before.

40 minutes

Keep repressing
These memories
These emotions
Until they control me.

One statement
Can change me
Make me feel
Differently.
Quiet me.
That scares me.

Stare in the mirror
Another person
Staring back.
Emotions fade
Into nothing
Numb.

They’re back.
Dragging me
Down with them.
Hard to force
A fake smile
When I’m so vulnerable
And can’t hide it.

I can’t even
Fake it ‘till
I make it
And
Just
Not
Break.

What Happened?

You might not have meant
What you said
In the tone you did,
But what you said
And the tone you used,
Hurt.

I don’t feel okay.
But I forgive.
No matter what happened
That I don’t know about,
I pray will get better.

I don’t want to be scared
To ask for help.
I want to know
I can come
Expectant of help
With no anxiety.
I can leave feeling helped
More than hurt.

I just need to know
It’s not my fault.
If it is,
What I did wrong
Soo I know how to improve
Because I am always
Looking to improve myself.

Almost

My depression

Settles in

Almost as fast

As the snow

Drifts.

Almost.

My eating gets

Harder

Almost as fast

As there clouds

Move.

Almost.

My fake smile

Begins to hurt

Almost as fast

As the hour

Runs.

Almost.

My self esteem

Drops

Almost as fast

As the school day

Ends.

Almost.

It helps to

Cry,

Distract,

Hide,

Pretend,

Freeze.

Almost.