The church versus The Church

 At first

I was sad

Which turned to

Furious

Which turned to

Disappointment.

Now

I'm just disappointed.

I called you

My home

For 19 years.

"Love everyone always."

"Welcome everyone always."

"Respect everyone always."

You preached it

From the rooftops

So I believed

You knew

It was true.

You included

The incarcerated,

You included

The homeless,

You included

The hurt,

No exceptions.

If that

Is true,

Why do I feel

None of that

Coming

From you?

It's not coming

From you few

Who represent

The church

And what's true.

I agreed

To what you

Believe.

I guess I didn't

Analyze

The fine print.

But I did this time.

You said

If I don't transition

I can stay.

"It says that

In the statements,"

You say.

No.

Little did I know

Being a bit more

Vulnerable

Would get me

Fired.

At least I know

There's another

In the fire

Standing next to me.

At least

You taught me

The Church

Isn't a building.

The Church

Is the people.

I may attend

The building,

But I do not stand

For what you stand for.

The building

Is not my home.

I declare His arms

As my home

And embrace

Those who

Bring me closer

To Him

Because I see Him

In them.

I may not

Work there

Anymore,

But I attend

Because I know others

In the building

Who see me

And accept me

For who I am

Because they see

In me

What He sees.

I don't

Represent the church

Anymore.

But I will

Represent The Church.

(September 17, 2021)

September 11

 I wasn't there.

I didn't watch

The first plane come,

Ask if it was a mistake,

Just to see

The South Tower hit.

I wasn't there.

I didn't know

About Flight 77

Changing course

And hit

The Pentagon.

I wasn't there.

I didn't listen

To the news

In fear

As I learned

Flight 93

Changed course

To the U.S. Capitol.

I wasn't there.

I didn't hear

The families'

Final calls

To their loved ones

As they didn't know

If they were going to

Live or die

That day.

I wasn't there.

Now I learn

From those

Who were.

(September 11, 2021)

Thy Kingdom Come

 Distance.

No resistance 

Pushing me away

From seeing God

And myself 

A little clearer.

Clearer.

I look in the mirror

And I see someone

I start to recognize.

I realize something

Is greater

Than what I've

Looked at

In the past.

Past.

Bumps and bruises, 

Cuts and scars

Show the darkness

Of before

But not the glimmers

Of light

I have seen

I see He

Will return.

Return.

He is returning.

The God of the world

Is returning.

We're in the last leg

Of forever

To see Him

In Heaven.

Heaven.

The true final

Resting place

Where there is

Peace and

No one

Grows weary

Or weak

No one

Is thirsty

Only hungry

Hungry to serve

Our Lord,

Our King

Jesus Christ!

(August 1, 2021)

Forgive

"The one who is perfect forgave you now you forgive others."

Easier said

Than done.

Cliche,

I know,

But still

It's true--

You don't know

What I've

Been through.

Mother who

Invited me

To die

The eve

Of Jesus' birth. 

Brother who

Calls me

Every version of

"Child"

And "small"

You can think of.

I'm tiny.

With God

That's ok

But with family

I feel I'm

To blame

Every time.

I make myself small

And take blame

For it all

Even when it's not

My fault.

"Life isn't fair."

No kidding.

Nearly every day

I ask myself 

"What did I do

To deserve this?

What did I do wrong?

For what

Do I need to ask

Forgiveness?"

I'm not perfect.

But I know I apologize

And beg for

Forgiveness

Because I do it

All the time

Even for things

I didn't 

Do wrong.

"I'm gonna see a victory."

God has won

The victory

For me.

I've followed Him

Since I

Was a child,

Growing up

In church,

Believing and

Seeing

His miracles

And "Only God"

Moments.

He grows

Within me,

But there are days...

Weeks...

Months...

I feel empty.

I need more fertilizer 

From my Father.

I keep my cup

Pointed up

To be filled

And overflow

But some days

I don't see

I don't feel

Anything come.

What mother says

To her child

"Let's go

Kill ourselves

together"

When her child

Just told her

They are struggling

After the hours

Of parents fighting?

After their mother's 

Suicide attempt

6 weeks before?

What brother

Belittles his sibling

So early and so often

They didn't learn

How to take up

Space?

Space.

Outer space

Is so vast

It extends

Endlessly,

But my arms--

I panic

If they leave

Too far

From the

Side of me.

The Lord is

All-powerful.

Unconditional love,

The shepherd

And the sheep,

The one who

Wipes away

Every tear

With an eternal

Embrace.

Every day

I take it.

Both the

Invisible abuse

And the embrace.

Still,

I end tired.

Panic attack,

Flashback,

Do everything

In 5s

And I can't

Hold back ,

"Distraction-free"

Is a fantasy,

Mood swings

But dragging my feet

Along the

Woodchips.

Giving up control

Has only gotten

Me hurt.

I still give it up

And leave things

At His feet.

And still

I stay small.

Mother,

Brother,

Bent

But can't manage

To extend.

(August 1, 2021)

2 Months

 2 months.

I need

A release

But I can't 

Do anything.

I can write

This poem

But I feel

Nothing

And everything.

I'm tired,

But can't sleep--

No escape

For me.

No trigger warning.

What was

The trigger

For me?

Nearly a month free

From these

Feelings.

I can't go back.

I can't fall back.

Tears well,

But I can't 

Dwell

On the fact

The depression

Is fighting

To come back.

Why Do I Show My Pride

Why do I show

My pride?

Because many can't safely.

They have to

Hide their pride

For their safety.

Why do I show

My pride?

Because 

People are being murdered

For living their truth.

Why do I show

My pride?

Because support--

An ally

Home, 

School

Chosen family--

Saves lives.

Why do I

Show my pride?

To help remember those 49 we lost

5 years ago at Pulse

When our pulses halted

Before racing

And our hearts breaking 

As we heard our siblings

Were murdered.

Why do I

Show my pride?

Because representation--

Demi Lovato

Sam Smith--

Saves lives.

Why do I

Show my pride?

Because I don't want to be

A statistic.

I don't want a candle

To be lit

For me.

Why do I

Show my pride?

These bills

That attack us

Come blow by blow,

Ignoring the glow

From the victims

Already hit

Who give us hope

To fight for justice 

To fight for peace

To fight for

Our rights

Because love is love.

This is why

I show my pride.

(June 13, 2021)

Baptism (March 18, 2018)

"Free"

March 18, 2018

I was submerged 

Under water

Death dissipating

Then rose

Brought to life

Chains broken

Past left behind

"Free"

Sin

Washed clean

Black to white

Darkness to light

My past skin

Shed

Addiction

A thing of the past

But that last

Always seems

To sneak

Back

(May 2, 2021)

Not a Role Model

 I snapped.

This pillar of strength,

The one

To look up to,

Has shattered.

Pieces crumble

With each

Snap.

I thought I could be

Terracotta,

Going through the

Flames of hell

And made my way

Out,

But I was

Bearing the weight

Of the world

On my shoulders,

Eroding away

At the strength 

I once had.

Too much tension

Broke me.

Or maybe reliable steel.

Bent,

The world says

Isn't broken,

But I'm never back

To my original state.

I'm not the role model

I thought I had

To be.

I'm not the role model

I thought

I was.

I'm sorry.

(May 1, 2021)

Just Breathe

 It was

106.8 days

Since the thoughts

Crossed my mind

Of self-harm

But now I had to hit

Reset.

I can't believe it.

I'm trying not to

Beat myself up too much

About it,

But

It had been so long

And

I had come so far.

"One step forward,

Two steps back."

But they say recovery

Is an ongoing journey

And I just

Hit a pit.

It's hard

To believe it.

I've fallen apart

But not like this

This all-too-familiar guilt

Is rushing back--

I'm tired.

Tired of fighting,

Tired of being this

Role model

People look up to

I didn't sign up

For this.

Living up to

What others thought

About me--

Concerned about me

Proud of me

Looking up to me

But please

Leave me be.

Let me wallow

In my feelings

As I figure out

How to be ok

To feel weak.

"Stay strong."

A motto

I've lived by for years

And

I'm guilty of

Begging others

To do the same.

But now I see

Being weak

Isn't a bad thing.

The one thing

I now beg of myself

And others

Is to

Just

Breathe.

(March 31, 2021)

Catch a Break

I can't seem to catch a break.

Music and

Friends and

School

Are my only escape

And if I can't do them

Then I'm shoved

Into doubt

And self-hatred.

Inhale Deep

To find peace

But I

Can't breathe

And it's built up

Too much

And I'm breaking.

I've been strong

For so long

This volcano 

Is erupting

Holding back too much

Then overflowing.

Drew a line 

But it wasn't

In the sand

It was

By my hand

But not by

My hand.

The lines

Are fading

I'm begging

For them to stay

Before I do

Something stupid

But I'm an expert

At making excuses.

I like to believe

I'm self-aware

But if I were,

Why didn't I see this

Coming?

(4/1/2021)

Mile a Minute

Mind a mile a minute

Music won't do it

Breathing won't do it

Writing won't do it

Reading won't do it

The past won't do it

Unblending won't do it

Tapping won't do it

It helps momentarily

Until everything floods back

It's my past

And present

And future 

I'm thinking about

I can't pick one

To slow down

I can't

Focus on a feeling

My focus wanders

And as I try to

Patiently guide it back

My mind laughs

As if anything

Could slow it.

Took my meds

Two hours ago

The three

That are supposed to keep

My anxiety at bay

But my head runs away

How am I supposed to sleep

When my head decides

To stay awake?

(5/10/2021)

No Way Up

My head

Hits the pillow

And depression

Sets in.

Maybe if I just

Picked it up

One more time

I'd have control

Over at least

One thing.

My world is

Falling apart

And I don't see

How it can get better.

I hear stories

Of people working

To get a better life

But I don't know

If that can be

Something for me.

I work

But the world

Throws a hundred

Bricks in my path

I can't get past.

I take one down,

But the world decides

To throw a hundred more.

I don't want

To live a life

With no stability,

But that's all

It's been for me.

I want a family,

Even if it's just a partner

And a stable job I love

That pays well

And I could go

On a real vacation.

I want visit

All the states

Then go to Europe

Where I've dreamed of going

Since I

Was a child.

But it's all

Out of reach.

I'm stuck in a rut

And I can't

Get

Out.

I won't ever

Be able to

Get

Out.

I work my ass off

But people who do

A fraction of what I do

Still get the same privileges.

A thousand hours

Near perfect attendance

High-flying grades

Involved in activities

I can't count

On one hand,

But still the same college.

Work harder.

I'll get farther.

More hours

Stacking up fast

Perfect attendance

Amidst chaos

Higher-flying grades

I kill myself to receive

Still involved

In some activities.

I get into Honors

But that means nothing

Because we can still go

To the same next college.

2+2 equals

My hard work

Means nothing.

Why do I

Keep trying?

Trying to get

A better life

But I could do the

Bare minimum

And still get the same.

My dad feels

He failed

And I want to believe

That's not true,

But I know Mom

Contributed too.

Bouncing from

House to house

Is no bouncyhouse.

I've been working

For a bright future

Since preschool.

To have thought

Hard work

Would pay off

In fifteen years?

I'm a fool.

I'm tired of

Living a life

Where hard work

Doesn't pay off.

I'm getting as much

As people who do

A fraction of

What I do.

All I see in my future

Is a repeat

Of my present

And of my past.

What's the point

Of living life

If hard work

Doesn't pay off

And you're stuck

At the bottom

And will never

Be able to

Get

Up?

I just want to

Give

Up.

(5/16/2021)

Triggered

PTSD.

One and done.

Doesn't matter if it was

Big T or little t.

It just matters that it happened.

Not easy, but one-event recovery.

 

C-PTSD.

Repeated trauma

Keeps rolling its punches never-ending.

The big Ts and little ts

Stacking

Up

High

It feels impossible to identify

What happened at what time.

 

Traumas to work through

Different places

Different people

Don't know when the next blow goes

I can't brace myself.

I can heal all the way someday,

But today is not that day.

The real nightmare might just happen again

The next day.

 

Meanwhile,

For us both,

Who knows when the trigger will be pulled?

Who knows when we go back

To that flashback?

 

I don't mean the ones in fairytales,

I mean the one in my head

On repeat

Repeat

Repeat

Won't stop messing with me.

When grounding doesn't work

And seemingly time is the one that makes it end and helps me

Inhale

Exhale.

But until then,

I suffer in silence because I can't breathe.

I can't move.

I can't speak

Or communicate

I need someone there with me.

 

Until then,

I'm in a room,

All the oxygen sucked out

Shaking like a leaf in the wind

But I can't speak.

I

Can't 

Breathe.

 

I jolt up in the middle of the night,

The trigger replaying in my mind,

Gasping for air my brain decides isn't there.

 

I see someone hung

And that reminds me of when I wanted to be in their place.

I hear screaming

And it brings me back to when I screamed for the fighting to stop

The screams of pain.

I see punches and I witness the people throwing them,

Their faces replaced with the ones from those days.