Tribute to Notre Dame Cathedral

Cathedral engulfed in flames,
People are crying.
History is burning.

Horrified onlookers
Sing hymes of hope
As they watch their church
Go up in flames

The raging flames
Are relentless.
They race through the
House of hope,
Disregarding any plea.

Billowing smoke
Arises from destruction
As the spire collapses
And people scream.

But they sing
And they pray.
The only things
They can do.

They pray to a God
Brighter
Warmer
More powerful
Than the flames.

With onlookers across the globe,
What was lost
Will be restored.

Hushed

The hushed
Is a privilege
Underappreciated.

The park is empty
Except me
And rustling leaves
Dangling on trees.
Thoughts pass
Like cars
Hovering across
A street

My bedroom is empty
Except me
And cars
Rushing across
A street.
Thoughts pass
Like students
Rushing
To their
Next class.

The hall is empty
Except me
And students
Reaching
Their designated
Classrooms.
Thoughts pass
Like clouds
Whispy
Across the
Sky.

Palm Sunday

Fulfilled each prophesy,
He humbly arrived
On a donkey's colt,
Layered with coats.

Garments and
Branches of Palm trees
Were set before
The majesty
Of the Heavens.

Pharisees desired
Silence from
His disciples;
He said if they
Were silenced
In their place
The stones
Would cry out.

"Teacher"
"Blessed
"Lord"
"Son of David"
"King of Israel"
"Hosanna in the Highest!"

Writing Is My Power

I might write
Like I don't know
How to speak.
But I do know how.
I can if I have something
Important to voice.

But writing is different.
It's power on a page.
Expressing the inexpressible,
Speaking the unspeakable,
Changing unchangeable minds,
It's like nothing else.

It's a silent power.
More force than
A black hole,
More gentle
Than a rocking chair,
More dangerous
Than a gamma ray,
More safe
Than a heavy blanket,
Brighter than
A thousand stars,
Darker than
The absence
Of everything.

Horrific beauty,
Didactic meaninglessness,
Kind cruelty,
Constructive destruction,
Emerging as
Simple chaos.

Word Storm

My words
Are lightning
Stretching
To every corner
Of there sky.
But if you don't listen,
It's gone.

The thunder clap
Alerts you
You missed something
Incredible.
A work of art
Unable to be replicated.

The storm
Is overwhelming
People hide.
They don't want
To hear
Or see
A work so powerful.

They cower
At the sight
Of rain.
They cower
At the risk
Something stronger
Is brewing.

It's me.
It's my writing.

But they'll never know this
Because they hid.

Written Art Speaks

You might not
Hear me speak
But my writings
Speak for me.
I might be too quiet
For you to hear me.
But my writings,
They are screaming.

I might write
Better than I speak,
But don't get me wrong.
I am speaking words
Which flow through my
Fingertips
And onto my paper
To arrange themselves
Into an art
Only those who listen
Can hear.

"Speak Up"

"Speak up."
"Project."
"Own your voice."

That's harder than it seems
You see.
My voice was
Robbed from me
When I was
Too young
Too weak
To fight back.

I scream all the time,
You just can't hear it.

Hear me!
I want you to hear me!
But I can't
Do my part
No matter how hard
I might try!

I want to understand
This material,
But I can't!
I'm trying so hard,
But I can't!
Help me!
Please!

I can plea
All I want.
I can scream
All I want.
I've written
About my screams
And pleas
Countless times.
But it doesn't matter.

Writing can communicate...
Sometimes.
But everyone
Only listens to
The noise
And not the quiet.

I'm lucky
If I can mutter words
And they are heard.

"It's to prepare you
For college,"
They say.
But I'm in high school.
I want to experience
High school.
Not college
Before I step foot in one.

Trigonometry

It looks like I'm doing alright,
But I've trained myself to display that.
I'm drowning in proofs,
Doing anything
I can
To keep pushing through.

A fresh start sounded great.
Start from the basics
Work your way up
...except for Algebra
And fractions,
Two of the things
I've struggled through.

I get a proof right on my own
Once in a blue moon.
But when I struggle,
I'd keep my hand raised,
Constantly struggling.

I work hard.
Finally gave myself a break
Last week
For the first time
In a lifetime.

Or maybe it was
To take a break
From not understanding
Basic Algebra,
From what was embarrassment
Becoming shame.

Assessment tomorrow
Field trip first.
No break in my day,
A moment for me
To breathe
And just be.

I don't want the next test
To end up
Like the last test.

Proofs are like driving,
Except I feel like
I keep driving into a tree.

Winter Blanket

Slick ice glimmers,
Blankets the snow
Beneath.

Crystals randomly
Specifically placed
Bubbles
Frozen before
They could arise

Cars pass,
People trample
With their
Four-legged friends
At their side.
None stop.
Observe.
See the beauty
Crushed beneath
Their feet.

In the Corner

I did it.
I hid it.
Just until
I got out of
The public eye.

Then,
I'm in the corner,
Vibrating,
Overbreathing
And suffocating,
Begging him
To not hurt me
Even though
I know
He's not in the room.
It's not even
Crossing his mind.

But it doesn't
Feel that way.

He's towering over me,
Fist clenched,
Ready to strike me down,
Lower than I
Already am.

He's ready
To end me.

I'm terrified of death,
But I'm also not.
Earlier,
I didn't care
What happened to me.
Now,
I couldn't care more.

Fight what?
Flee where?
Freeze.
But my blood
Is rushing.
My body
Is urning.

Curled into a ball,
Unable to move,
Unable to breathe,
Unable to speak.

On high alert
For danger
Where there
Is none.
But then
Why do I
Feel like I
Am dying?

Flashback,
But don't know
Where to
Or when to
Or what to.

"I don't know."
I really don't.
Or at least
I don't think I do.
If I do,
I'm scared
I'm talking
Too much
Or too loud
And I should just
"Shut up."

Silence.
That's my answer.
They can read
If they want to listen,
But speaking
Gets me in trouble.
So does not speaking.
But writing.
You show you care
If you're willing to read
And listen.

I did it.
I hid it.
Just until
I got out of
The public eye.
Then,
I lost it.

Fighting With My Mind

It was going so well.
But now
I can't speak
I can't think
Something else is
Shoving these
Memories
Back into my head
And I'm defenseless.

I'm tired of
Bring scared.
I'm tired of
Acting like I'm fine.

Yet I'm expected
To push through
As if I'm not
Fighting with my mind.

Fake it
'Till you make it.
Just.
Don't.
Break.

I'm fine.

"Love"

"Love"
It's just a word
People say
To make another
Feel better.

I don't fall for it
But I fall a lot.
I cry
Silently scream.
It hurts sometimes.
But sometimes
I don't care.

"I don't care"
My throat shrinks.
Now I want to care
But I don't.
I can't.

"I love you"
It rolls off my back.
Some say
It's sad.
I don't feel it
So how can I miss
What I can't feel?

Maybe it is sad.
But then am I broken?

"Broken"
Every night
I stay up to late,
I'm crying.
But sometimes
I don't care.

"Love"
It's like thin air.
Air keeps you alive.
But it's thin.
It's meaningless
For me.
Just jumbled up letters
For a word
Others feel
But I don't.
I don't know if I can.

I don't know.
I don't know a lot.
I do know
Sometimes I feel like
I'm drowning
But no effort
Into swimming.

I don't feel dead.
Not really.
Numb sometimes,
But not all the time.
But I see
"Love"
As jumbled up letters.
It's meaningless
To me.

Back to Flashbacks

They're back
And in a strange way.
It's not the
Stereotypical flashback.
Triggered by a sound
Or a scene,
The emotions I feel
Are real,
But the visual scene
Caused by the scene
Doesn't exist.
That frightens me.

These are different
From freshman year
When I was tested
On that book
All too familiar
And the flashback appeared.

Crying during
The test,
Unable to move a muscle,
Please no,
Please stop,
Crying in the corner
Of my room;
It was back.

Those memories,
Those thoughts,
That night
Coming back;
It scared me.

And now it's
Coming back
In a different state
And it scares me.

Treatment available,
But I'm too scared to ask
For it.
What if it bring back
Other events,
Other emotions,
Other experiences?
It scares me.

But I must ask
If I want to move forward
With my life.
I've forgotten so much
Of my life
Because of those nights.
I didn't care
The bad went away
With the good.
But now
I want to remember
The good.

Too much repressed;
I've forgotten half
My life.
I want to be normal,
Or as normal
As I can get.

Steel Masks

Incredible actors.
That every student,
Staff,
Has a mask
They convince other actors
Isn’t there
And succeed.

Has no one thought
Maybe it’s not healthy?
Repressing emotions
Kills me.
Anyone else?

Maybe no one thought
Maybe it’s better
To lose the mask.
Would we not gain
More than we lose?


I’ll start.
I go home
And sleep.
I’m tired
F everything.
Sometimes,
When I’m awake,
I fight back tears
Of exhaustion.

My mask of steel
Is weighing me down
And I don’t know why
I feel I’m expected
To wear it.
Does anyone really know?

“It’s not professional.”
It’s not healthy, either.
Which is more important?
“I don’t want people
To ask questions.”
Then tell them
You don’t want to
Tell them.

Alternate Flashback

Flashbacks
But this time,
It’s so different.
Apples and trees
Different.

It’s a flashback,
But of an emotion.
Not an image
Or specific event.
But it feels like
A tsunami.

Trembling,
Forcing back tears,
Panicking,
Scared of what might happen
Next.

I’m a child again.
Innocent
And helpless,
I can’t find my voice
To tell them to stop
Because I’m so scared.

Scared of what it is
And what it could be.
I’m scarred from
What it had become
Before.

40 minutes

Keep repressing
These memories
These emotions
Until they control me.

One statement
Can change me
Make me feel
Differently.
Quiet me.
That scares me.

Stare in the mirror
Another person
Staring back.
Emotions fade
Into nothing
Numb.

They’re back.
Dragging me
Down with them.
Hard to force
A fake smile
When I’m so vulnerable
And can’t hide it.

I can’t even
Fake it ‘till
I make it
And
Just
Not
Break.

What Happened?

You might not have meant
What you said
In the tone you did,
But what you said
And the tone you used,
Hurt.

I don’t feel okay.
But I forgive.
No matter what happened
That I don’t know about,
I pray will get better.

I don’t want to be scared
To ask for help.
I want to know
I can come
Expectant of help
With no anxiety.
I can leave feeling helped
More than hurt.

I just need to know
It’s not my fault.
If it is,
What I did wrong
Soo I know how to improve
Because I am always
Looking to improve myself.

Almost

My depression

Settles in

Almost as fast

As the snow

Drifts.

Almost.

My eating gets

Harder

Almost as fast

As there clouds

Move.

Almost.

My fake smile

Begins to hurt

Almost as fast

As the hour

Runs.

Almost.

My self esteem

Drops

Almost as fast

As the school day

Ends.

Almost.

It helps to

Cry,

Distract,

Hide,

Pretend,

Freeze.

Almost.

Writing Reactions

If they stay silent,
That's the worst reaction;
There's no reaction at all.
You don't know
What they think
Or how they feel.

If they're angry,
At least you know
What they think
And how they feel.

Ideally they'd be happy,
But then would they offer
Honest feedback
Like those who end angry?

Thank You, Teachers

Thank you
For giving your all
For students you have
For merely a yeat.

Thank you
For being patient
When you hardly
Have a pinch left.

Thank you
For shaping
Your room
To be our
Safe space.

Thank you
For caring about us
When we get
On your nerves.

Thank you
For listening to us
When we feel
There's no one else
To turn to.

Thank you
For teaching us
More than the curriculum,
But character.

Not Real Love

The
Way he talks to you is not the
Way love is
Because the
Way love is is not yelling at
You deserve better than his splintering
Words are supposed to
Heal the bruises he left.
You shouldn't have to piece your heart
Togther until you are finally
Released from his
Caging words, never opening the
Door he closes on
You don't deserve his
Selfishness is
Poison because the
Way he talks to you is not the
Way love is

His small, cold heart.
You deserve to feel
Love higher than the
Mountain top
He can't top.

When I Look at You

When I look at you
I don't see
"Bad person".
I see someone
Who needs support,
Who needs help,
Who is hurt
By their past
And hasn't healed yet.

When I look at you
I don't see
"Screw up".
I see someone
Who is fighting
But is getting tired,
Who has these tools,
But is struggling
To use them,
Who is trying
But can't show it well.

When I look at you
I don't see
"Dangerous".
I see
"Help me."
"Don't give up
On me."
"Don't leave me."

When I look at you
I don't see
"Bully".
I see hurt.
I see desperation.
I see a friend in need.

When I look at you
I don't see
"Toxic".
I see someone
Who needs support,
Who needs help,
Who is hurting
By their past
And hasn't healed yet.

Behavior is deeper
Than skin-deep.

In The Ring

Round one.
Breathing quickens
Muscles become tense
Chest caves
Everything vibrates,
But I can't
Even lift
My weighted head,
Strapped down,
Frozen in place.

Round two.
I'm no longer
In danger.
But others are.
But I'm
Too small
Too weak
Too scared stiff
To protect.

Round three.
It's so loud.
Screaming
Piercing my ears
And again,
I'm frozen stiff.
But this time,
Chains are broken
From my ankles.

Round four.
My closed throat
Is loosened,
But hasn't let go.
But I can run now.
Bound up the stairs
To my physical safety,
But not without anxiety
For everyone else.

Round five.
I can finally move.
I've gotten past
Freeze,
I can't fight,
But I can move.
I can run.
And that's more
Than I could do
Round one.

Round zero.
It takes over again.
A memory
Controls my
Emotions
Movements
Thoughts.

But.
A few rounds later,
It's a VHS
Locked in a
Box
Behind cabinets
Behind a wall
In a basement
In a bank.
I can walk out.
Soon,
I'll be free.

Panic

It was going so well.
But now
I can't speak
I can't think
Something else is
Shoving these
Memories
Back into my head
And I'm defenseless.

I'm tired of
Being scared.
I'm tired of
Acting like I'm fine.
I'm tired
And scared I'm falling
Again.

Yet I'm expected
To push through
As if I'm not
Fighting with my mind.

Fake it
Till you make it.
Just.
Don't.
Break.

I'm fine.

The Third Return

I did it.
I hid it.
Just until
I got out of
The public eye.

Then,
I'm in the corner,
Vibrating,
Overbreathing
And suffocating,
Begging him
To not hurt me
Even though
I know
He's not in the room.
It's not even
Crossing his mind.

But it doesn't
Feel that way.

He's towering over me,
Fist clenched,
Ready to strike me down,
Lower than I
Already am.

Fight what?
Flee where?
Freeze.
But my blood
Is rushing.
My body
Is burning.

Curled into a ball,
Unable to move,
Unable to breathe,
Unable to speak.

On high alert
For danger
Where there
Is none.
But then
Why do I
Feel like I
Am dying?

Flashback,
But don't know
Where to
Or when to
Or what to.

I'm scared
I'm talking
Too much
Or too loud
And I should just
"Shut up."
I apologize,
But no one is there
To hear.

I did it.
I hid it.
Just until
I got out of
The public eye.
Then,
I lost it.