Home Church

I called you my home

Now it's time to say goodbye

I wish you the best

Rules

It's not another anymore.

It's me against me

And I can't stop it

And I'm scared I'll

Go too far

But I am going nowhere

With these thoughts

In my head.

Demanding me to

Ignore the hunger

Deny food

After breakfast

Until dinner

Don't snack

Consume as few calories

As possible

They are the enemy

Food is the enemy

If you follow these rules

Then maybe you'll

Finally lose weight

Like you've been wanting to

For over two years.

Maybe you'll gain

Some control.

Maybe you can

Hide it enough

No one will

Call what you're doing

Stupid anymore

Because they don't understand

You don't have a say

That you're tired of fighting

And are struggling

To fight anyway

Without hurting yourself

In the process.

July 14, 2019

Fighting

What does it take

For you to see

I'm really struggling?

It's not a voice of a lamb

Suggesting to not nibble on a treat,

But the roar of a lion,

Commanding me to not

Dare inch closer to food.

I'd rather starve

Than gain another few pounds

And I'm scared to check

Now that I've been eating

What you call "normally".

Just because I look healthier

Doesn't mean I feel healthier.

Mentally and emotionally

I'm dying and you still are blind

That these side effects

Are the end of me

Unless I end myself first

Because I dare not take

Another bite.

July 5, 2019

Lion

What does it take

For you to see

I'm really struggling?

It's not a voice of a lamb

Suggesting to not nibble on a treat,

But the roar of a lion,

Commanding me to not

Dare inch closer to food.

I'd rather starve

Than gain another few pounds

And I'm scared to check

Now that I've been eating

What you call "normally".

Just because I look healthier

Doesn't mean I feel healthier.

Mentally and emotionally

I'm dying and you still are blind

That these side effects

Are the end of me

Unless I end myself first

Because I dare not take

Another bite.

(June 20, 2019)

"Nothing Wrong With Me"

You say there's nothing

Wrong with me

That it's something

I can just talk out

And get rid of.

But I've been trying

To rid of this

For a while,

But still you see nothing.

But see,

I'm terrified of gaining

Even another pound,

I hate myself for each I carry

And this med you insist

On giving me

Screws up my plans

So you can't see.

My weight may be "stable"

But I'm not.

I want to skip meals

Exercise beyond

My ability

Be skinny.

But my weight is "healthy"

So you see nothing

Wrong with me.

June 14, 2019

Sacrifice Sleep

Between the

Meds I need

And the weight I feel

I'm not allowed to gain

It's a constant fight

But I can't sleep.

It shouldn't be

Such a hard choice.

Sleep

And 5s gone

But gain a little weight.

It shouldn't so hard.

But instead

It leaves me crying

Thinking "It's such a hard choice

But I know what I need to do."

So I choke back beads of tears

Threatening to roll

Down my cheeks

And take the pill

I was prescribed

Even if it goes against

Everything I've been thinking

For weeks.

Maybe I was feeling better

Because I felt more control

And Zyprexa destroys it.

But I can't sleep

And it's been a week

Of not taking it.

But yesterday

I ran on 3 hours

Of interrupted sleep.

But I question myself.

Do I really have control?

Is it worth the sacrifice of sleep

To have a little gain?

So I swallow the pill

Before I can go back.

And beads

Roll down my cheeks

Even when I know

I did what I need.

June 10, 2019

The Voice

I want this trip

To be my own.

This once-in-a-lifetime experience

To be my own.

But you want to plan

All of it.

You want this trip

To be on your terms.

I seem to have no say.

I want to go

With people I know.

I know I'll panic

If I'm alone.

But I don't want to go

With someone who

Is making it her own.

My trip on her terms--

Her way

Or no way.

I'll try to find work.

I'll try to scavenge

For the money.

For my part.

But please.

You're making me

Feel guilty,

And you're saying

You aren't.

But you stuff words

In my mouth,

And don't consider

How I feel.

I'd skip out completely

If it weren't

A once-in-a-lifetime

Opportunity.

May 25, 2019

Austria Dream

I want this trip

To be my own.

This once-in-a-lifetime experience

To be my own.

But you want to plan

All of it.

You want this trip

To be on your terms.

I seem to have no say.

I want to go

With people I know.

I know I'll panic

If I'm alone.

But I don't want to go

With someone who

Is making it her own.

My trip on her terms--

Her way

Or no way.

I'll try to find work.

I'll try to scavenge

For the money.

For my part.

But please.

You're making me

Feel guilty,

And you're saying

You aren't.

But you stuff words

In my mouth,

And don't consider

How I feel.

I'd skip out completely

If it weren't

A once-in-a-lifetime

Opportunity.

May 19, 2019

These Thoughts

These thoughts

Are like rain

Pounding inside

My skull.

They demand me

To die

To suffer

To starve

To kill myself

They insist I

Am destructive

Am worthless

Am useless

Am a burden

Have no future

Deserve nothing but death

And one after another,

They pound

And pound

And pound

And never stop.

May 8, 2019

No Words

Frozen with fear,

I sink into the wall

Where you can't come near.

I can't

Speak.

Move.

Cry.

It's some years later.

I still hear 

Glass breaking and

Heart pounding.

No words can explain

True terror or

True witnessing

of something horrible.

It still effects me today.

I still have flashbacks.

It's still hard for me to talk about.

It still reminds me of how much

I love to get away.

Goodbye

I had to say goodbye

I felt no particular reason why,

But it's what I needed

So I can stay alive.

Goodbye.

May we never

Meet again.

I'll learn to survive

When I leave you behind.

March 20, 2019

"I'll Find You"

"Smiling in everyone's face

Crying whenever they leave the room."

I understand that now.

I've always said

"Fake it till you make it,

Just don't break."

I broke.

I'm sorry.

I've held it together

For so long.

I don't how much longer

I can hold it again.

I'm falling apart.

March 19, 2019

Masked Subjects

I feel

Like a failure.

I should

Get all my work done.

But I can't.

I can try so hard,

But I just

Can't.

So I overflow

With anxiety

And stress

And frustration

And depression.

It shouldn't

Matter so much.

They're just tests.

But I can't help it.

At night

I'm silently screaming.

I feel

Powerless.

Silent.

Unheard.

But no one seems

To understand.

But tomorrow

I feel

I must pretend I'm fine

Along with everyone else

Holding up their mask.

But I've been working on mine.

It's steel.

But sometimes

It fails.

German

Weighs down

The corners of my mouth.

History

Makes my heart

Stop.

Math is powerful.

Makes my throat close,

Yanks tears

From behind my eyes.

Even the

Subjects I love

Have their moments,

But often because of

No fault of their own.

If only I could

Run.

If only I could

Scream.

If only I could

Breathe.

Maybe I could

Feel alive,

Not

Feeling I'm a rock

In the way of the

Perfect stream of water.

March 10, 2019

Something to Live For

Suicidal people

Are like elderly people.

Waiting for

Something positive

To happen in their life.

Wheather it's

100 years old,

Or 100 days

Till your next birthday,

We wait

Like ones

Nearing their end

As if we

Are nearing ours.

"Find something

To live for."

When that event comes,

Or that person leaves,

Or whatever reason

Blows away through the trees,

Then

Find something else

To live for.

Only the old

Die off,

But we're expected

To keep moving

As we fight ourselves

To keep living

One

More

Day.

November 28, 2018

Talk to the Door

I was already starting to

Have a mental breakdown.

I worked up my courage anyway

For 2 hours.

Just to ask about the

Reliable sites you'd recommend

Because my search

Isn't going well.

And if that went well,

Maybe ask if I could

Borrow your charger

So I could work on it

And not worry about

Crying anymore.

But instead I talked

Through a door.

And when it opened,

I got an answer I

Already knew

Then a door in my face.

I understand you

Need to work and

Want to get home.

So do I.

But I might have questions

And I'm under a lot of

Pressure.

If you were willing,

I would've liked to work

In your classroom.

I would work in

Silence like I do best.

The only noise you'd hear

Would be from the keyboard

And the clicks for my cursor--

Nothing more than you.

I'd sit in silence like I do best

And contemplate how I can

Word this presentation

So you'd be impressed.

November 16, 2018

Rehearsal

They won't

Shut.

Up.

So she yells.

That's what

Drove me out

All those years ago.

I could barely

Make it

Through the Fall

Before I wanted to quit.

When every rehearsal

Was a nightmare

In the making

When shouts

And talking

Made me

Fall apart.

Those were

My eyes' cue

To let the tears

Tumble.

October 10, 2018

Fixless

When you can't even

Ask for a picture.

You're paralyzed.

Not even one of a fixture.

You're fixed.

There's no way to fix yourself.

So just run away

And hide yourself.

Put your head down and

Hide the tears

Because that's easier

Than asking for help.

Even just for a picture.

I open scripture

And I see

Story after story

About how I don't need

To be strong

Because He is.

And that is supposed to

Show through me.

Most of the time

It does.

But what about

When I'm not?

When I fall apart

In my hiding spot?

When I cry about

All that I'm not?

How I'm not normal.

How I can't be normal.

How I can't act normal.

How I can't feel normal.

How anxiety overcomes me

And I can't fight it.

I only give in

And I can't stop

And it takes over my life.

And I pray,

But sometimes it slips

And I fall

Only gas.

Because the

Brake is

Broken.

July 28, 2018

One More Shot

I've invited her.

She came a few times.

I begged

And prayed to God

She would know Him

And come to meet Him.

But a month and a half later,

She gave up.

And it broke me.

I cried and prayed.

She was the

First one who came.

But I get a prompting again.

Ask her to come

One more time.

"I tried. I tried so hard."

But the faith of a mustard seed

Can move mountains

And this is a mountain range.

She resists so much

And she has free will.

The prompting never stops.

A whisper

"Invite her."

Tell her to give Impact

One.

More.

Shot.

So I try.

And I wait for a response.

I obeyed.

She's the first who came

After so many years

Of invitations.

Now I can only pray

That she'll give it another shot

And she'll stay.

July 14, 2018

Change

I'm tired.

Can't handle

So many people

In one place

At once.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm tired.

Just a bit of sleep

Might do the trick,

But a half hour later,

I'd be tired again.

I'm tired.

But I don't want

To disappoint

My best friend.

She wants me

To meet

Her friends.

She's so nice.

That one friend.

The one from

A different country.

Accepting

And a Whovian.

The one who

Asks for pronouns

And loves Clara Oswald.

Just talking.

Getting to know her.

To sit down

On an emerald couch

And just talk.

No worries,

No heat,

No problem for me.

But I'm tired.

Right now

Everything whirs around.

It's non-stop.

I need to stop

But there are no brakes.

July 13, 2018

"Independent" in "Independence Day"

I'm tired.

Can't handle

So many people

In one place

At once.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm tired.

Just a bit of sleep

Might do the trick,

But a half hour later,

I'd be tired again.

I'm tired.

But I don't want

To disappoint

My best friend.

She wants me

To meet

Her friends.

She's so nice.

That one friend.

The one from

A different country.

Accepting

And a Whovian.

The one who

Asks for pronouns

And loves Clara Oswald.

Just talking.

Getting to know her.

To sit down

On an emerald couch

And just talk.

No worries,

No heat,

No problem for me.

But I'm tired.

Right now

Everything whirs around.

It's non-stop.

I need to stop

But there are no brakes.

July 4, 2018

I'm Tired

I'm tired.

Can't handle

So many people

In one place

At once.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm tired.

Just a bit of sleep

Might do the trick,

But a half hour later,

I'd be tired again.

I'm tired.

But I don't want

To disappoint

My best friend.

She wants me

To meet

Her friends.

She's so nice.

That one friend.

The one from

A different country.

Accepting

And a Whovian.

The one who

Asks for pronouns

And loves Clara Oswald.

Just talking.

Getting to know her.

To sit down

On an emerald couch

And just talk.

No worries,

No heat,

No problem for me.

But I'm tired.

Right now

Everything whirs around.

It's non-stop.

I need to stop

But there are no brakes.

July 8, 2018

1 Peter 5:10

I was doing so well.

But you put your

Finger on the

Trigger-

You triggered me.

Every bone in my body

Tells me I can't

But my head insists

I have to

Push through

It's a war.

Cover a wrist

Instead of hurt it.

I'm not hitting "reset".

On it.

I can't wash it all away.

I've been put

Through this already.

God, help me.

Carry me.

I can't find the

Strength in me

To carry on.

I need your shield.

Your sword.

Help me

Push through.

July 5, 2018

Bully

You bully me,

But claim you aren't.

You constantly put your

Feet in my face,

In my hair.

When I tell you to stop,

You don't care.

You say I'm not watching,

But I am.

Regardless,

You talk and do

Exactly what you said

I was doing.

But I wasn't.

You bully me,

But claim you aren't.

Others unable to witness

How you treat me.

Even when they were awake,

They didn't do a thing.

You're old enough

For me to drive with you;

I can get my hours with you.

But you say it's a privilege.

Even though you offered to drive me

To see the fireworks

That always vanished.

I can drive with you

But you say you won't.

You bully me,

But claim you aren't.

July 5, 2018

God, Help Me

God, help me.

Three little words

No more than

Four letters long

Have power.

Have strength.

Have surrender.

Sometimes,

They are the difference

Between life

And death.

Between spiritual

Strengthening

And spiritual

Weakening.

Rescue.

Five letters.

Let Him in,

Nothing is the same.

June 30, 2018

Manhole

She doesn't understand

So I tell her my experience.

And I come crashing down.

I've fallen into a manhole

And it's so hard to get out.

I don't feel

The rain,

But I don't feel

The sun either.

Maybe it's overcast,

But I wouldn't know.

People pass by,

Oblivious.

Smiling,

Neutral,

And the occasional

Hidden tear,

Pass me by.

I take my meds.

Nothing.

Nothing I can do

But wait it out.

June 28, 2018

Unexpected (NYC)

Honking horns,

Crowded crosswalks,

Impatient people,

And buildings scraping

A clouded sky.

But in the choas

Kind travelers,

Kind residents,

Friendships molded together.

Cars glide

Through traffic,

Parks like emeralds.

It's a green city.

It's unexpected,

Breathtaking,

Beauty.

June 19, 2018

Music Flashback

I'm tissue paper.

You're a hammer.

Whacking at me

With your words,

You make a million

Small holes,

Than one hole

That is me.

To this day,

I'm trying

To get taped together.

But I will

Never be the same.

June 17, 2018

Tissue Paper

I'm tissue paper.

You're a hammer.

Whacking at me

With your words,

You make a million

Small holes,

Than one hole

That is me.

To this day,

I'm trying

To get taped together.

But I will

Never be the same.

June 12, 2018

You Promised

You promised.

You said it on your wedding day.

For better or for worse.

Today is the "worse" part.

But you fight.

You get in each other's face.

He towers over her,

But I wait for something worse.

Mom,

He's working at Panera

Even though every

Bone in his body

Told him not to.

Dad,

Yes, she gets on all our nerves,

But she's your wife.

You promised.

Stay together.

I thought it was getting better.

He didn't read the book,

But participated.

She read the book,

But didn't participate.

You triggered me

Worse than I already was.

Him in her face.

Her tears trickling down.

The screaming at

One another.

I can't handle it.

It was like a flashback.

The TV already

Reopened the scar,

But you.

You widened the wound.

I'm wearing the necklace again.

The semicolon one.

I promised.

As long as I wear that,

I won't take my life.

I haven't needed it for so long.

But now I do.

I go to sleep over

At my friend's house.

Her family so kindly

Takes me in.

But I must return tomorrow.

I must return

To YOU.

I can't run.

I can't hide.

If I could just fly away.

Maybe fly to church.

That's my family.

I don't have to fear

That there will be a divorce

With them.

I wish I didn't fear one

Between you.

June 10, 2018

Chained Down

I was chained down,

Your grip strong on me.

Your hands

Blended into mine.

Tearing away

At my flesh

At my strength

At my hope

You gave me cuts

Scars

You said you were

Stronger of a believer then

Than you are now.

You could've 

Fooled me.

June 29, 2018

13 Reasons Why

It's what everyone else watches.

They blow through it 

In a week.

Here I am

Over a year later

Still on

Season 1

Episode 8.

Season 2

Already started

For everyone else.

It already finished

For everyone else.

But I can't seem to

Stay strong

Long enough

To push through,

To catch up

To where everyone else is

Without falling backwards.

2 steps forward.

5 steps back.

June 1, 2018

I'm Sorry

You let out your anger,

Your past,

Your failure,

All onto me.

Then you walked away

As if everything were okay.

Everyone thought

Everything was okay.

They never believed me when I said

You were the one creeping

Inside my head.

They thought you were so nice

But your heart was made of ice.

Your bitterness

Was contagious;

It spread like a wildfire

Until I became a part

Of the blaze.

Every time I say it's better,

You make me second guess

What I just assured

Everyone around me.

To this day,

I am infected

By your stabbing words.

May 29, 2018

Infected

You let out your anger,

Your past,

Your failure,

All onto me.

Then you walked away

As if everything were okay.

Everyone thought

Everything was okay.

They never believed me when I said

You were the one creeping

Inside my head.

They thought you were so nice

But your heart was made of ice.

Your bitterness

Was contagious;

It spread like a wildfire

Until I became a part

Of the blaze.

Every time I say it's better,

You make me second guess

What I just assured

Everyone around me.

To this day,

I am infected

By your stabbing words.

May 28, 2018

Dysphoria

I feel like I'm in

Fictional skin.

I'm not a boy

I'm not a girl

What the heck am I?

Why can't I just be normal?

Dysphoria wins.

My skin screams for pain,

But I can't give in again.

My head is clouded,

Swarming with thoughts.

I'm crumbling

Piece by piece.

I'm tired.

No motivation,

No movement,

No use.

May 10, 2018

Demons (Haiku)

Your Demons Look For Me

Halls fill with demons

Yours are hunting me down now.

Have they found me too?

Your Demons Captured Me

Can't keep holding on

The beginning of the end

Down by the calm sea

My God Saved Me

Hanging off the edge

A hand keeps me from falling

I give all to you

May 2, 2018

Alive and Free (Baptism)

I am saved

Because he loves me.

Died for me.

Lives in me.

I make mistakes,

But he forgives me anyway.

Loves me anyway.

Wants a relationship

With me anyway.

Frees me anyway.

I'm not going

Through the motions.

I'm not alone.

I'm not living

But I am alive.

I am a disciple,

A child of the

One true King,

A messenger.

I'm not faking anymore.

I'm not hiding anymore.

I'm not stalling anymore.

I'm not climbing anymore.

I'm not chained anymore.

I'm free.

I'm blessed.

I'm renewed.

I'm forgiven.

I'm saved.

I'm loved.

I'm alive.

I'm free.

March 18, 2018

I Won't Be Heard

I won't be heard

It took all my courage

But I won't be heard.

My anxiety burns.

I yearn

To help someone,

To tell them they are not alone,

But that plan is burned.

My whisper of a scream

Is muted

And ignored.

They could even say

It's been 2 months

And they promised.

They told me.

They fooled me.

March 7, 2018

Pinballs

Chest caving in,

Body tense,

Condensed.

Nothing makes sense,

It's all just a blur.

I can't be heard.

I can't focus to learn.

My head turns on me.

Like pinballs crashing

Every which way.

March 7, 2018

Hidin', Fakin', Cryin', Silent

I need a clean slate cause

I feel like I been fakin'

It's a mistak'n

And if I'd been graden myself

I'd get an F for faken

I try but no result reflects

The work I put in

The only result reflected

Are the failures

Cause I've been faken

Faken is taking a toll

My friends

My grades

My education.

They telling me to be happy

But I find joy in my work

But it's work hard so I

Sometimes dont--no--won't

Keep my health up to date

I put the work in

But I feel fake 'n

It reflects in my work

Reflects in my failures.

No stress in my life

No anxiety

No late nights cryin'

No fightn' with my mind

No bruises hidin'

But I feel paralyzed

Cause I've been lyin'

I once loved school.

Teachers

Friends

They're my family

But I've been strong

For so long

The mask is glued on

Forever hidin'

Forever fakin'

Forever cryin'

Forever silent.

February 16, 2018

Little Girl

Little girl,

Play with your dolls.

Pretend they're real.

Give them names.

Despite what anyone says,

You be you.

Little girl,

Ride your bike.

Feel the wind

Rushing through your locks.

Despite what anyone says,

You be you.

Little girl,

Play with your friends.

Giggle through the playground

In your bright pink dress.

Despite what anyone says,

You be you.

Little girl,

Wrote poetry.

Express yourself

And make people ask questions.

Despite what anyone says,

You be you.

Little girl,

Go to your clubs.

Meet people with

Your same interests.

Despite what anyone says,

You be you.

Little girl,

You discovered you

Are not a girl.

This is not normal.

Despite what anyone says,

Be who society tells you to be.

Non-binary human,

You weep at night.

Misgendered every day,

You only hear "she", "her", "girl", "daughter".

Despite who you are,

Be who society tells you to be.

January 8, 2018

Screaming a Whisper

I'm screaming

But it comes out as a whisper

Like a silenced lion

Trying to roar,

But losing it's voice more

Until the voice is no more.

October 29, 2017

What's in a Language?

Who's to say one language

Has more emotion

More expression

Than another?

Just because

One is silent,

Does that make it

Less important?

Should the squeaky wheel

Always get the grease

Even when a silent one

Has a flat?

October 13, 2017

Escape

Heart racing

Stomach churning

Mind shutting down.

I gave you the note.

I explained my situation.

But the talk of abuse seems to

Become more detailed.

I'm on the brink

Of tears

Waiting for years

For class to end

So I can escape.

So I can breathe.

I need to escape my favorite class.

How sad is that?

Feeling a need to hide under my hat-

To hide the tears welling up

In my eyes.

But I use a smile as a disguise.

September 6, 2017

Never Know

Never know which of his words

Are waiting

At the door

Of our house.

Never know if his words

Are cutting,

Healing,

Or cussing.

Never know if he is

The next hurricane,

Lilac,

Or flood.

Never know

What he will

Do next.

All I know is

I'm too busy

Trying to put

Myself back

Together to

Care about

My imperfect

Edges.

August 31, 2017

Mantle

Please.

I can't handle these eyes.

I feel like I'm on a mantle

For everyone to stare.

I'm too scared

To run so I

Freeze in

Fear.

But I can't keep

Standing

Here.

July 22, 2017

Noise

To think it is silent

Would be a fool's response

To the white noise surrounding.

A television blaring

Birds chirping

Lawnmower running.

It never is quite silent.

Perhaps it's because we are

Uncomfortable with silence.

It leaves us alone with our thoughts.

Thoughts that scare us.

Thoughts that determine our decisions

Like a decision to keep busy.

Everyone insists on being occupied.

But sometimes what we need to do is

Sit.

Create individual silence.

Mindfulness.

Then perhaps we can appreciate

A given moment of life.

Just a little bit more.

July 14, 2017

Standards

I don't want to

Leave but I can no longer

Breathe. I'm

Suffocating.

Internalizing.

Hiding my

Crying by

Smiling. I'm just

Trying to make you happy.

But the fight reminded me of that

Night when nothing was

Right and still all my

Might can't stop my

Mind from remembering.

I feel

Useless when I'm

Clueless. Even if

You teach me, I don't want want to fail

You or fail me. My

Standards are too

High for me to go

By, but I still force myself to

Try even of it breaks me.

June 23, 2017

Sight

My quieting

Is when I'm hiding

My crying.

I'm no longer lying.

I just need to lie

Right beside you.

Because right beside you is

The only presence I need

When I can no longer see

Until the end of the week

'Cause till then you are my guide

Till I'm no longer blind.

June 14, 2017

Your Face

I need to see your face

Cause these tears

They're running down my cheeks.

One by one they fall

Until I can't catch them all.

You're the only one who can

Comfort me.

The only one who

Really cares.

The one

Who's face I need to see.

When I'm shredded to pieces

You have the glue.

When I have a broken heart

You have the needle and thread.

Your presence is the

Comfort I need.

Your face is the face

I need to see.

June 14, 2017

The Lion's Den

I'm dying which I'm

Hiding with my

Smiling and I'm muffling my

Crying which you never hear.

I say

"I'm fine" but I'm

Lying and you believe the

Lie every

Time I tell it.

Maybe the hardest part of verbal

Abuse is having no

Bruises as evidence for the pain you

Took when your mind was

Shook and you could no longer

Look at your world falling to pieces.

Or maybe the

Hardest is when you're torn

Apart

Piece by piece.

It's so slow you can no longer

Seize the broken

Pieces that have been torn apart by the

Beast that won't seem to give up

Abusing until you're the one who's

Losing.

But

Maybe there's a place to

Hide that isn't

Inside the

Lion's den. One that will

Satisfy a need to be

Alone with room to

Roam so you don't have to

Worry about your tiny change in

Tone.

No longer walking on eggshells is a dream of

Mine that I'm waiting to

Find so one day I can

Cry and not because I'm feeling pushed

Aside

August 31, 2017

Nonsense Verses

The past welcomes me back

With open arms.

Progress made

Seems to go in reverse.

I'm drowning in my thoughts.

The ones I were told were

Lies but

Seem like the truth.

I'm tired of fighting my mind.

The problem is you never

Can win with

Demons seeping in.

I was taught to fight them,

To reassure myself

That I'm

Beautiful and enough.

But how can one be positive,

When the night is so negative?

Is there any point in trying to light a candle

If it's just going to be blown out?

Told to not believe the lie

Of there always being

Abuse and addiction,

I want to believe they are lies.

It's hard not to believe so called "lies"

When you're surrounded by them daily.

When you're struggling daily

It never seems to get better.

But as I write this I realize

It was much worse before.

And while it's still bad now,

I have survived worse.

I've made progress,

And I can make some more.

I've drowned in my thoughts,

But I've learned how to swim.

I've fought the demons,

And I've won before.

I have learned to love myself before,

And I can do it again.

I've learned how to light a lamp,

And make it blaze at the core.

I've learned to see the light in struggle,

And I can find it again.

August 31, 2017

Hidden Abuse

The abuse is hidden

As you clearly don't see.

The leg bouncing,

The body tensing,

The voice shaking.

You clearly don't see

The tears forming,

The chest thumping,

The speaking quickening,

The sentances stumbling.

You clearly don't see the cues

Of the hidden abuse.

I'm sorry.

August 31, 2017

Rental Emotions

It might not hurt-

At least not physically-

But the pain is worse than physical.

The pain is mental.

It is so subtle. 

After a while,

Emotions become skeletal.

They begin to seem mental

Even when they are said to be essential

But they are a rental

When emotions are no longer

Applicable.

When the rental

Is up and you are with him,

Emotions are despicable

Because all they do is break

When emotions are meant to create.

When the rental is up,

The last emotion faithful

Ends up being hateful.

And in the end?

It all seems wasteful.

August 30, 2017

Waterfall

Mind racing

Paralyzing thoughts

Trapped in my head

Salty water

Flowing

From my eyes

Like a waterfall

Never-ending

Door slams

Left alone

Lost in my thoughts

And drowning in tears.

August 27, 2017

Golden Grass

Golden grass

Swaying in a breeze

Glistens as the sun

Casts an illusion

Grass glows.

Golden grasses

Are revealed

In masses

Glistening,

Swaying,

In a massive

Silent sunset.

Passive,

No one

Pays attention to the

Perfect setting.

August 22, 2017

I Need to Go to Bed

I need to go to bed

Because right now I feel dead

And maybe that'll be my death bed.

Thoughts racing through my head

I can't make them slow down.

August 12, 2017

Tend to Their Tree

Plant a seed

And tend to their tree

Before it becomes a weed.

Give the water,

The soil,

The love

It needs.

Love their tree

No matter

The size,

The shape,

The work

It takes.

Expose it to hate

To create the strength

It will need to become

Unstoppable.

But don't forget

To love it

Before the hate

Makes their tree

Disintegrate

And then it's too late.

August 12, 2017

I Find No Meaning

I find no meaning

Behind these feelings

I feel.

Sometimes they hardly seem real.

I dread almost every meal.

Give myself nearly

No mercy

To heal.

I say it was long ago,

But you don't know

How little I show.

August 4, 2017

The Side You Don't See

I've written

My will.

In case my

Will to live

Hits zero

In case I

Lose all hope

And I'm finally ready

To give up

And give in

And end it

For good.

But you don't get it.

I don't want

To end it.

My will

Is a comfort

And it keeps

Me going.

Yeah,

It's in case

I want to end it,

But it's also in case

I need a reminder

Of all the people

I need to live for

If I can't live

For myself.

I need to read it

And see the people

Who it'd hurt

Before I could bear

To end it.

I can't bear

To hurt them.

I've published

Almost all the poems

I've ever written.

I say "almost"

Because I'm tired

Of the concern

I've been

Reported from

7th grade

To senior year

And I'm tired

Of all of them.

"I will tell you

If I need help"

But still

They don't 

Believe me.

I'm a mandated reporter.

I understand 

It's your duty

And you have

To do it

Even if I tell you

"I'll be there

In ten minutes."

You don't see

The other side

Of these reports

See

They sent me

Into hiding

But you don't see

They leave me

Internalizing

My feelings

Because it's not safe

To tell anyone else

How I feel

Without reporting me.

Without someone

Getting concerned

About me.

So many times

I convince myself

It'd be better if I

Just shut my mouth.

Concern

Would leave

And I'd be left

Alone.

Now,

It's my therapist

And me.

She's helped me more

Than you ever have

Because you don't know

The whole story

And it'd take me

19 years

To get through

It all--

Even longer

If you want

All the details.

If this

Is too much for you

Then stop reading.

No offense taken.

Not everyone

Can handle

My story

And that's ok.

It's heavy.

Like bricks

In a backpack,

You think

You can handle it

But in reality

You have

To put it down.

I get it.

Please

Stop all the

Concern.

It fine to care

But tell me

You care

Not

The concern

Because for me,

That's an added burden

And these bricks

Are heavy enough.

For the next few days,

Bear with me.

I'm going to post

All the ones

I've skipped posting.

People come

And they go

And maybe

I'll regret it later,

But maybe one day,

Someone will

Stumble across it

And reading it

Will help them

As much as

Writing it

Helped me.

Dear Me: 2022

 Dear me.

You lived for graduation.

It's what kept

You going.

It wasn't what you thought

It would look like,

But you made it.

You completed

School number one,

Now you're about

To graduate

From school

Number two

In three

Months.

Dear me.

You heard repeatedly

"Fake it 'till you make it,"

But you always added on

"Just don't break."

But you broke.

But you got fixed up

And kept going

And never gave up

For good.

Dear me.

The struggling

Will not disappear,

But that doesn't mean

You have to.

Look around you.

You feel alone.

I know how

It feels so true,

But I promise you

There are people

To hold onto.

Plans ahead

You never thought

You would make it to.

Achievements made

That haven't even

Crossed your mind,

But you made it

And you did it

And you celebrated.

Dear me.

I know

You feel so low

Like you've hit rock bottom

And somehow

You keep falling,

Buried.

But look up.

The light seems

So far away

And it will not

Be easy

To get there,

But just keep pushing

Asd you will experience

Pure joy

For more than

Just a day.

Dear me.

This darkness

Isn't forever.

You don't believe 

You can be

Anything but

The worst things.

But I promise

The people around you

Telling you those are lies

Are telling the truth.

You are so much more

Than what your mind

Is telling you.

Dear me.

You lived

Fo the sake of others.

Now

You live

For the sake

Of helping others

And helping yourself.

You will struggle

But you will fight

And you will win.

Dear me.

Round two

Will come,

But you have

More tools

To arm yourself

Before you come

To hurting yourself

Dear me.

It hurts.

Feeling everything

And nothing

Is overwhelming.

Breathe.

One step

At a time

And you will make it.

I promise you

You'll be ok.

Dear me.

It's only been

Two years

Since you wrote

Your own will.

It was your comfort.

Yes,

You still have it.

Yes,

It is still a comfort.

Yes,

There will be days

You'll want to relapse,

But you won't.

The clock

Will keep ticking

And you

Are still clean.

Dear me.

Hold on

For a little longer.

You will keep

Getting stronger.

You will get

Knocked down

But you will stand

Back up.

Dear me.

Keep going.

Keep breathing.

You'll be ok.

(March 10, 2022)